Giving moved out daughter’s bedroom to younger sister

[Derbyderby]

Bit nervous but here goes…
We have three daughters 22, 19 and 16. The eldest has moved with her boyfriend to a lovely rented flat. We have a four bedroomed house, the fourth bedroom being a box room which is currently home to our youngest. She really wants to move into her sisters bedroom which is absolutely understandable but I am finding it difficult to broach the subject with our eldest. Bit of background information - our eldest has suffered from crippling anxiety and an eating disorder in the past, although she’s much better the anxiety is still a problem and also how she sees herself. Also when she was diagnosed the consultant said she also suspected that she is on the autism spectrum. She doesn’t really get on with her younger sisters which is very upsetting. She is very quiet and her sisters are the opposite. She has a lovely boyfriend and has come on a lot but I know if I tell her about the possibility of putting her sister in her room she will take that as she’s being pushed away. She comes home a few times a week as she gets lonely when her boyfriend is at work and they usually stay here at the weekend. I know really she shouldn’t be upset and she decided to move out to be with her boyfriend but still I am worried, but that’s not fair on her sister having a tiny bedroom when there’s an empty big room next door. Is this the part where I ask if I’m being unreasonable?!!! I don’t post very much at all!!

I'm sure he siblings are used to her being prioritised by their parents so probably won't be a shock to them that yer again even though she's more or less moved out they're stuck in the smallest bedroom.

She's chosen to move out. She can't have the best of both worlds. Why does she get 2 great bedrooms from her rented place and at yours?! I would give it to the youngest who's been in a box room for years! I actually feel sorry for your youngest being overlooked. If the eldest wants to sleep over, she can in the box room. I don't understand why you'd give that much power to your eldest?! Just do it and mention it next time you see her.

My mum did this to me when I went to uni and not going to lie it hurt. I have thought about what i would do as a parent if I was ever in the situation. The thing that upset me was your sister is having my bedroom and I got the spare room. In years to come their rooms are still called by their names “Katie’s room” even if they moved out but I don’t have a room.

I would sit the eldest down and explain as they have moved out it would be lovely if you could move the bedrooms round. Your plan is to make the smallest room into your eldest room for when she visits and you want to redecorate it. Make sure she still knows she’s got a place to stay and come back to.

I'm really not understanding how detrimental and awful and upsetting it would be for the eldest to have to sleep in the boxroom when she visits from her OWN HOME, but it's fine for the youngest to live in permanently?
Agree the 'power' of the eldest, does the family usually revolve around what she wants?

Exact ly! All this hand wringing that the eldest might be upset at having to now experience what the younger one has had for years is actually insane if you think about it!

We rented out our best room then stopped doing that so dd1 has had it for 4 years she was in the smaller room next to it before. When dd2 gets the best room will have it for 3 years to dd1s 4. So still unbalanced but not too much. When they both at university whoever is at home for longer time will get it.

Was your room the best room? Did you think you should have had it even when you were an adult who was away for most of the year and your sister was home full time?

So your room was better?! So you are still aggrieved that you didn’t retain the best room even in your absence?! The diva vibe is strong in these eldest daughters! And I am one! I fully accepted my younger sister got my room as soon as I left because fair enough! Didn’t occur to me to whine about it was so obviously the fair thing to do.

As 3 girls there were 2 equivalent rooms and one tiny bix. We all had a few years in the box room. So when I left obviously the two remaining sisters went in the two decent rooms. Looking back it was really fair.

Just talk to DD1, tell her you're planning to give DD3 'the' big bedroom, not 'her old bedroom', and ask DD1 how she'd like the small bedroom decorated for her use when she stays over. It's natural process, doesn't have to be a minefield, just discuss it.

Same in my family. I was in the box room for quite a while when we first moved into our new house because in my old house, my 2 younger sisters had shared for years. So they had the biggest rooms in the new house. I swapped with one of my sisters for a year before I left and as soon as I left she moved straight back in. I wouldn’t have expected anything else

"She comes home a few times a week as she gets lonely when her boyfriend is at work".
Perhaps what she most needs help with is this - being more independent, and less reliant on her boyfriend and her parents for company. Does she have any friends of her own? Does she work herself? Have any hobbies or interests outside of work? Can she not find other ways to deal with her 'loneliness'?

And even if she does want to come and see you in the evenings while he's out at work, why does this mean she needs a huge bedroom of her own? Surely spending time with you happens in another part of the house? (or are you saying that she feels less 'lonely' sitting in her childhood bedroom in the knowledge that her parents and/or more outgoing (non-quiet) sisters are somewhere in the same building?! Can't she come and visit you, then go home to her own 'lovely flat' to sleep?!

Doesn’t it occur to her to feel guilty? She sounds self absorbed.

I have 5 children and whenever one moves out the next oldest gets the biggest room. My eldest son has just gone to uni , so second son has moved in to his room and small room is made up for eldest when he's home from uni

I agree, if that’s what the middle one wants.

Yes, this is baffling me as well.

It's not like the eldest is grudgingly being given a grubby coal scuttle in the back yard to bunk down in; there is a whole bedroom available for her, that she can gladly use whenever she wants to stay over - the same bedroom that has been considered perfectly adequate as her younger sister's full-time bedroom for years.

On countless stepchildren threads, posters always say that a child who lives with their DM in their own big bedroom most of the time shouldn't expect to have the biggest room for one night a week with their DF, relegating his DC with his new wife - who live there permanently - to the smaller rooms.

Obviously, a big factor there is that the (dependent) children never asked for their parents to split up and remarry, so that they would live between two homes, or for any new half-siblings to be born; but in this case, the eldest (adult) child has chosen to move out!

At what point does she accept that it is no longer her permanent room? Will she still expect it to be set up and reserved as her room when she's 40? Will she expect a greater inheritance, when the time comes, because a larger part of the family house being sold is 'hers'?!

I realise that she's finding the transition a challenge, but she needs to understand that her sisters - who are younger than her, too - can't be expected to live less nice actual lives in order to accommodate her own idealised two-home life.

It's not 'taking away her current bedroom' - she has given that room up, as she no longer lives there. She has her own room in her own home!

They could always 'officially' designate the box room as the eldest's room when she stays, rather than referring to it as a guest room.

Even in the worst-case scenario, if her relationship fails and she needs/wants to move back in with her parents, she will still have a room all of her own there - and she will still have had a turn to have the biggest room for many years longer than her younger sister(s) ever will (assuming that they themselves move out in due course).

@Loooooo You missed my point, and no I didn’t have the best room. It was the fact that my sisters old room was called the guest room and I never had a room ever again but my sisters did even when they moved out.

Hence my suggestion to move the rooms around but do not call the new room the guest room and to make it her room still for when she visits.

Oh ok. I think the same happened to me when I moved out but it didn’t bother me in the slightest. I’d moved out so it made no odds to me

Why did you care though? When I moved out to university was a massively exciting busy time don’t think I gave my old bedroom a moments thought. So admit I don’t get the angst about this issue.

So many people on this thread who don't understand the seriousness of eating disorders (which are incredibly dangerous and often retriggered by periods of transition) or the challenges of a life change when you're autistic. It's not favouritism for OP to take her oldest DD's needs seriously even when that seemingly means putting her "first" - her needs are different and that is valid. It's more of the Mumsnet ableism that so many people are totally dismissive of the DD having a legitimate need. As an autistic person with a history of anorexia myself I can understand why OP is so concerned and I'm glad my parents were never as harsh as some of the posters on this thread seem to think is best practice.

EDs don't just magically stop being a risk because someone is an adult. There is always a risk it can come back and be very, very dangerous. Anorexia is life threatening. The youngest DD isn't unreasonable to want a larger room but that is a want that has to be weighed against the genuine need of the oldest for a soft transition without triggers.

@Loooooo @TheaBrandt I hope my children will be like you. I’m trying my best to show them love and they are wanted so they might feel the same.

unfortunately I never felt like I was enough, I was never good enough, I was never loved and I felt like my younger sisters where preferred. Therefore it hits harder being told you don’t have a room and to leave / pack your stuff, you are no longer welcome here. If you want to come back you could maybe stay in the guest room but you no longer have a place here.

Needs must, Dad became ill and stopped working when I went to uni so my parents downsized to be mortgage free so when I came home I was on a sofa bed in the living room as they had no spare room.

The younger sister should have the larger room, the box room can be the older sisters half way house, decorated in a more mature and spare room type way than when it was younger sisters.

DD is autistic she is very logical and would be entirely on board with the logical reason why the room swap was necessary. Your older daughter needs to know there is still a place for her if she needs it but it doesn't have to be her old room.

Agreed.

Phrasing is everything.

"The big bedroom" rather than "your old room" is a good call.

And don't structure it as a request. "This is what is happening, now how would you like the smaller room decorated?"

This.

The eldest child isn't automatically entitled to the biggest room and for those implying it's cruel and unfair for her to have the smallest room, why doesn't that apply to the youngest child who has presumably had it her entire life? Some families swap every few years or do random selection so the eldest dd could have ended up with the box room anyway.

Lots of parents downsize when their children move out so they don't have a room at all. She will still have a room with you but it is absolutely ridiculous for her to have the biggest room empty most of the week while her sister stays crammed in the smallest one. Oldest dd just needs (well she doesn't even NEED, she wants) a bed to stay in once a week. Youngest dd needs to store all her stuff and somewhere quiet to study for exams as well as a sleeping area/somewhere to hang out with friends.

Not being autistic doesn't mean the youngest dd doesn't have feelings, not only is she least worthy of the biggest room while her siblings lived there but now she comes below an empty room in the pecking order!

I'm saying this as an oldest child btw!