Giving moved out daughter’s bedroom to younger sister

[Derbyderby]

Bit nervous but here goes…
We have three daughters 22, 19 and 16. The eldest has moved with her boyfriend to a lovely rented flat. We have a four bedroomed house, the fourth bedroom being a box room which is currently home to our youngest. She really wants to move into her sisters bedroom which is absolutely understandable but I am finding it difficult to broach the subject with our eldest. Bit of background information - our eldest has suffered from crippling anxiety and an eating disorder in the past, although she’s much better the anxiety is still a problem and also how she sees herself. Also when she was diagnosed the consultant said she also suspected that she is on the autism spectrum. She doesn’t really get on with her younger sisters which is very upsetting. She is very quiet and her sisters are the opposite. She has a lovely boyfriend and has come on a lot but I know if I tell her about the possibility of putting her sister in her room she will take that as she’s being pushed away. She comes home a few times a week as she gets lonely when her boyfriend is at work and they usually stay here at the weekend. I know really she shouldn’t be upset and she decided to move out to be with her boyfriend but still I am worried, but that’s not fair on her sister having a tiny bedroom when there’s an empty big room next door. Is this the part where I ask if I’m being unreasonable?!!! I don’t post very much at all!!

Why?

Obviously the youngest DC should get her old room and she can have the box room when she stays over. She doesn’t get to have a whole new place plus her old bedroom whilst the youngest has only a tiny room.

Is there anywhere else in the house or garden that your younger daughter could have as her space?

A boxroom is big enough to sleep and dress in, but not very good for hobbies or having friends over.

It doesn't seem fair on your younger daughter to be stuck in the boxroom forever, but your eldest hasn't fully moved out yet...

My little sister was moving into my room faster than I could pack for university. I was living in student halls and still coming home on breaks.

I also had anxiety and ASD. I understood it was the natural order of things that I got bumped down to the smallest room and it was her turn.

So the youngest has to have a den in the garden so older golden sis doesn't get upset she isn't the top priority at home? 🙄Bonkers.

Exactly, as long as she has a room in her old home to come back to, it’s fine and what most people do.

She's left home. She doesn't have her own room once she leaves. You need to make one of the rooms a guest room and she stays there. If you're worried about her misinterpreting it, you need to speak to her adult : adult. Perhaps she can help with the transformation.

Younger Sis should have the room.

I read a few times a week plus weekends as more than half the time at home.
So not moved out & in with boyfriend just yet.

This is a transition phase. Pushing it along faster is not a good idea when you have a vulnerable adult daughter as it will also push her relationship with boyfriend along faster than perhaps it should go. She will be hurried into full time living with him- are they ready for that? And what happens if they break up?

I don’t understand the tone of envy here.
Other options should be considered instead of pushing eldest into a more serious relationship than she may be ready for. There is a difference between staying over at boyfriends less than half the week vs living there with him 24/7.

Are they ready for that? She’s literally renting a flat with him.

This. She actually hasn’t moved out yet. Is the real question: How can I get my eldest dd to move out so I can give her room to the youngest?

Actually, even if the eldest hadn't moved out yet, I would rearrange the rooms. I would have done it before now TBH. All three girls should have the opportunity to have a decent sized room at some point. Why should the youngest be stuck with a box room, potentially for several more years, just because she was born last?

Surely she could have the box room for when she visits? It seems wild to have a large empty bedroom whilst one of your other children is in a small box room. I mean this kindly as I had a sibling who had various things beyond his control that meant he got a lot more attention and care from my parents growing up, but she's moved out, don't keep prioritising her over her siblings.

Paying towards rent and having some stuff over at his because you are there less than half the week isn’t anything like living with a man 24/7.

You cannot be serious to imply otherwise, unless you have always lived at home?

Why?

FWIW I think the middle child should move into the biggest room, the youngest into the middle room and the box room door be converted into a guest room.

Sorry but it may be time to shuffle your priorities. I bet your other two have felt ignored a bit whilst your eldest has been going through her issues. Let your youngest have the big room. Explain to your eldest that she is still welcome to stay (I wouldn't be putting up with her and DP every weekend but that's beside the point).

How long has the younger DD had the box room? If she's never had a bigger bedroom, I think it's not very fair she has to stay in the box room when her sister has essentially moved out.

When I went to uni I got the very tiny box room when I returned for summer and never blinked an eye. (My adult brother had moved back home when I was studying and that was that)

I understand there are different challenges if your adult daughter has additional needs but your youngest has needs too so I would definitely have a sit down with your eldest daughter and tell her she always has a bed at her old house but her sister needs a turn for a big room out of fairness. Xx

Tone of envy? Who's envious of what?
Unless you mean oldest daughter being envious of the dd having her old bedroom?

She has moved out and is renting with the bf. She then stays a couple of nights a week. The plus weekends bit is with the boyfriend as he stays too.

If they break up then surely she does what anyone else does in a break up. Either move back into parents guest room or find somewhere else to live.

she’s moved out - end of discussion. Your house your rules. FWIW I’m one of several daughters and our mum, for various reasons, tip toed around sister 2 . I can tell you now, sister 2 continues to be a pita about stuff despite being late fourties’ as she has become so used to her wants and needs being put before everyone else’s.

@Derbyderby FWIW I really don’t think that you should rush your dd into living full time with her boyfriend.

Why would you do that?

You're getting good advice here but I suspect it's not what you want to hear. Try shifting your perspective a bit. You have 3 DDs, they should be treated equally - even if one of them has had such a hard time.

Terrible idea. This way none of the children get what they want. Eldest loses her bedroom. Middle gets moved from the room she (apparently) has shown no desire to move from. And the youngest is still in the boxroom. Three unhappy kids.

Totally agree with this.

She's moved out. She shouldn't just be able to to and fro as it suits her.

Time for the youngest to get a bigger room and your eldest to have the box room.