Giving moved out daughter’s bedroom to younger sister

[Derbyderby]

Bit nervous but here goes…
We have three daughters 22, 19 and 16. The eldest has moved with her boyfriend to a lovely rented flat. We have a four bedroomed house, the fourth bedroom being a box room which is currently home to our youngest. She really wants to move into her sisters bedroom which is absolutely understandable but I am finding it difficult to broach the subject with our eldest. Bit of background information - our eldest has suffered from crippling anxiety and an eating disorder in the past, although she’s much better the anxiety is still a problem and also how she sees herself. Also when she was diagnosed the consultant said she also suspected that she is on the autism spectrum. She doesn’t really get on with her younger sisters which is very upsetting. She is very quiet and her sisters are the opposite. She has a lovely boyfriend and has come on a lot but I know if I tell her about the possibility of putting her sister in her room she will take that as she’s being pushed away. She comes home a few times a week as she gets lonely when her boyfriend is at work and they usually stay here at the weekend. I know really she shouldn’t be upset and she decided to move out to be with her boyfriend but still I am worried, but that’s not fair on her sister having a tiny bedroom when there’s an empty big room next door. Is this the part where I ask if I’m being unreasonable?!!! I don’t post very much at all!!

You can’t keep using the argument ‘OP’s DD is autistic and I’m autistic therefore I’m right and you are wrong, and you are ablist if you don’t agree with me’. Plenty of us on here have experience with people with autism and/or eating disorders.

OP obviously has to tread gently and get her DD use to the idea of changing rooms but she has her own flat now and she needs to give her large room to her sister. She will always have a safe space at home of course, it’s just that the room will be smaller. Handle it correctly and all parties will be absolutely fine!

I didn't suggest that the oldest daughter gets to stay in the shed with the rats and spiders. I pointed out that the box room might be somewhat less attractive than the large bedroom.

I am working on the assumption that eldest daughter is an equal partner in the renting of this "lovely flat" or however OP described it, and made a reasonable well-informed decision to go out and start adulting with her boyfriend. She decided to get her own home, and I don't think it's unreasonable for her footprint in the family home to be reduced in favour of the kid who still has to live there full time.
What if the youngest impulsively moves out as soon as she's 18 to live with a boyfriend who she isn't even comfortable being alone with, because she's the Cinderella who's had to spend her whole life in a boxroom because her mother wants to afford her older sister the comfort of an additional, large bedroom outside of her own home?

How long ago did she move out? I think that plays a large part in when the younger sister gets the bigger room. There were 3 of us staying between 2 rooms and when my brother (also in the spectrum), moved into a bought house with his now wife, he had a hard time adjusting to our sister moving into his old room. He struggles with change and felt his space was being taken away. My parents told him plainly that he was being ridiculous and that they would always find space for him if he needed it but that they were not going to force me and my sister to remain sharing a room when there was an empty one. He had a strop for a couple days and then pretended it never happened. We are quite close and his response was just from fear of change not logic. I hope you get your situation sorted with minimal fuss, maybe offer her to help decorate the small bedroom as a lovely guestroom for her and her bf if they will both fit in there.

@ExquisiteEmelda No, I am sharing basic factual info that people seem unaware of, and pushing back on the typical anti autistic ableism that is rife in nearly all MN threads, especially on AIBU. I expected this response because anti autistic hate is rampant here!

@MayFairSquare Actually I have clearly said that oldest DD doesn't necessarily need to keep the room forever, but just to have her needs considered and her safety and security considered at a risky time. That tracks perfectly with what OP wrote and I sensed that there was a background of serious AN. Again, exactly what OP later shared. Very serious AN background. Explains everything.

Anyone who actually understands the risk of AN and is not ableist would see this, but very few on this thread get it.

I am not at all surprised by all the hate and ableist responses. It is what I expect from MN.

Anti-autistic hate? Pretty sure being ableist/hateful is against Mumsnet guidelines so if you have seen any posts like this then I’m sure you have reported them. Yes?

Have a chat with her and explain, you can ask her if she’d like to help decorate the small bedroom for occasions she does stay.

my brother and I used to swap rooms every couple of years so one had the biggest (usually whenever he decided 🤪…and probably because he wanted a clean room!)

Avoiding retriggering the oldest DD's eating disorder is a big deal, and it just shows you don't understand and can't empathise.

But she seems to have managed with the much bigger break in routine in actually moving out - of her own volition.

What would happen if the whole family had moved house? She wouldn't be able to still have any access at all to her old room once strangers had bought the house. At least, with the house still being in her family, she can still see and go in the room when she visits.

@ExquisiteEmelda I and others have found that MN barely responds to ableism unfortunately. I don't report anymore because I find it triggering when they say it doesn't break site rules and essentially that is them saying the ableist content is fine.

@TheHangingGardensOfBasildon with luck she will resettle fine in her new place and a longer period of transition will be successful. Then even if the family moved she would cope okay.

@verysmellyjelly Bulimia is not a lesser ED than anorexia.

You aren't the only person here with ASD so yes you are rude and I find your posts are hateful to other people with ASD and EDs simply because they disagree with you.

You are very aggressive in your posts. Your opinion is as valid as anyone else's but it is not more valid.

Your accusations of anti autistic hate is unfounded imo.

@FoxtrotOscarKindaDay I have never said bulimia was a lesser ED than anorexia, I'm not sure where you're getting that from. They are different that's all. Of course one isn't lesser than the other. That is a strange thing to read into my posts.

Anorexia is the ED this thread is about so it feels like you want to derail and get into a fight. The cases I am referring to are cases of anorexics. It is also anorexia that has the particular association with autistic girls. Bulimia is just as serious, only different and causes different types of death.

@FoxtrotOscarKindaDay I find your comments to be hateful and anti-autistic so I guess we just have to disagree. Accusing someone with autism repeatedly of being rude is ableist.

One of our reasons was that dd2 is going into gcse year so will be spending more time in the room working. Having just done a levels and now on gap year dd1 is only using the room as her base not for study. Same probably applies to op - hard to argue with that really.

It is typical of MNHQ that they only delete a post of mine. They are very predictable in targeting autistic women and not the people posting ableist hate.

@verysmellyjelly Wasn't strange at all. You chose to personally attack me about my ED and ASD.

@FoxtrotOscarKindaDay I never attacked you, please don't mislead when I can't quote my own post to correct it.

Mnhq don't have a crystal ball, they don't know who has asd and who doesn't

@OnAndOnAndonAgain My comments in this thread are all about autism and anorexia, I assume they do read them before deleting. But they randomly decided to delete them because they don't value an autistic woman's input, they'd rather just chuck out my contributions because oh no, someone with autism used the Wrong Tone! What a crime. Even though it's literally a social communication disorder.

The bullying on this thread truly shows what MN posters are like. I am going to ask MN to delete my account. This is what it's like to be an autistic person posting here. You get instantly bullied and piled on.

@MNHQ please delete my account and all posts

If you really think mnhq are targeting you because you have autism then you probably should take a break

What if they are being rude though? You don’t have a get out of jail free card because you have autism. Someone with autism can be intentionally rude the same as someone without autism.

MNHQ deleted your post because it went against their talk guidelines ie bloody rude, not because they don’t value what you have to say.

Please don’t assume you are the only autistic person posting on this thread because I can guarantee you, you are not.

You are not being bullied, posters are disagreeing with you.

Just do it. If you ask her she will think it's her decision to make.