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Original poster

Giving moved out daughter’s bedroom to younger sister

231 replies

Derbyderby · 15/09/2024 20:54

Bit nervous but here goes…
We have three daughters 22, 19 and 16. The eldest has moved with her boyfriend to a lovely rented flat. We have a four bedroomed house, the fourth bedroom being a box room which is currently home to our youngest. She really wants to move into her sisters bedroom which is absolutely understandable but I am finding it difficult to broach the subject with our eldest. Bit of background information - our eldest has suffered from crippling anxiety and an eating disorder in the past, although she’s much better the anxiety is still a problem and also how she sees herself. Also when she was diagnosed the consultant said she also suspected that she is on the autism spectrum. She doesn’t really get on with her younger sisters which is very upsetting. She is very quiet and her sisters are the opposite. She has a lovely boyfriend and has come on a lot but I know if I tell her about the possibility of putting her sister in her room she will take that as she’s being pushed away. She comes home a few times a week as she gets lonely when her boyfriend is at work and they usually stay here at the weekend. I know really she shouldn’t be upset and she decided to move out to be with her boyfriend but still I am worried, but that’s not fair on her sister having a tiny bedroom when there’s an empty big room next door. Is this the part where I ask if I’m being unreasonable?!!! I don’t post very much at all!!

OP posts:
DeCaray · 15/09/2024 21:21

Awful favouritism.

The youngest moves into the bigger bedroom.

You make the box room into a spare room and put a sofa bed in there.

Eldest daughter would be petty and spiteful to kick up a stink about it.

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 15/09/2024 21:22

@FuzzyDiva 16 year old is the 7 nights a week.

It's usually at the weekend, not always. Eldest child has another room she can sleep in, she doesn't need two while 16 year old has to stay in a box room.

Kinneddar · 15/09/2024 21:23

She's moved out to live with her boyfriend. That's her main home now. She shouldn't have the biggest room left for her just incase she decides to stay over. That's ridiculous

Let the youngest have it, do her room as a nice spare room so there's a bed if she wants to stay.

She's moved out. She can't call the shots

Original poster
Derbyderby · 15/09/2024 21:24

Thank you everyone. Going to remove the post now x

OP posts:
IkeaMeatballGravy · 15/09/2024 21:24

Why do you need to discuss it with her? Tell her she can stay in the smaller room when she comes to stay. It is totally unfair on your youngest to keep the largest room empty most of the time, while she is squashed into a box room.

BeardieWeirdie · 15/09/2024 21:24

“We’re so pleased you have your new flat and are starting life with your boyfriend. It’s lovely to have you pop by a chat and dinner, but now you have your own place, your sister needs the bigger room. Now, tell me about your new project at work/the film you saw last night.”

HashtagShitShop · 15/09/2024 21:25

Yep I always got the second hand or smaller or hand me down whereas older sibling always got the new and or larger everything every single time. Still rankles now, 20 to 30 years later.

Let the youngest have things her way for once. The eldest has not just her own home but can still have the spare bedroom. You don't get to dictate how things go on in a home you don't live in.

PicklerOfCrochet · 15/09/2024 21:26

How far away is their flat? Why are they staying over? Is it because you/Dh cook for them? They have their own place and it looks like they are not quite ready to live independently. Why is that?

Completely unfair on the youngest child. What if your eldest does this for the next 5 years? Does that mean your youngest is stuck in the smallest room forever?

Why are you removing the post?

SummerFeverVenice · 15/09/2024 21:26

I was nodding along until you said
She comes home a few times a week as she gets lonely when her boyfriend is at work and they usually stay here at the weekend.

She has not moved out! She is still living at home and stays overnight in boyfriends flat fewer nights than she is at home.

You can’t give her room away! She has one foot at home and one with boyfriend.

SummerFeverVenice · 15/09/2024 21:27

“They have their own place and it looks like they are not quite ready to live independently. Why is that?”

Autism

DoreenonTill8 · 15/09/2024 21:28

Derbyderby · 15/09/2024 21:24

Thank you everyone. Going to remove the post now x

Is that because you expected people to say it would be ridiculous to give the 16 yo a better room? "Your home should always be there home no matter their age....' ?

TheThreeCheesesOfTheApocalypse44 · 15/09/2024 21:28

Yabu for not just doing the obvious........it's really frustrating being in a family where everyone has to tiptoe around one person and their ' anxiety ' which is often used as a prop to be a controlling, nasty arsehole.

Prioritise your youngest dd for once. She exists too.......and if your eldest kicks off over her unused bedroom being occupied then that's her problem. She doesn't live there anymore, she needs to learn she doesn't have the control or manipulation of your household anymore.

SummerFeverVenice · 15/09/2024 21:30

Find another option for youngest DD.
The obvious option isn’t always the only or best option.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 15/09/2024 21:31

I completely understand your concern over your eldest’s mental health, but you do need to have a very serious look at the impact on your youngest. If you keep her in the box room you are making it very clear to her that you view her as less important. There will be consequences to that.

Nanny0gg · 15/09/2024 21:32

Cheepcheepcheep · 15/09/2024 21:15

Middle DC has the big room. Eldest DC gets the middle room. Younger DC has her current box room until Middle DC moves out?

Who knows how long that will be?

DeccaM · 15/09/2024 21:33

I would let the youngest have the bigger room. Your eldest can stay in the boxroom on the nights she stays over. In general, I think it's fair for elder siblings to have certain privileges due to age (later bedtimes or whatever) but allowing them to have the best things always, simply by virtue of being born first, is wrong IMO. It's reasonable for a 16-year-old to have a decent sized bedroom after years and years of making do with a tiny room.

MayFairSquare · 15/09/2024 21:33

Is that because you expected people to say it would be ridiculous to give the 16 yo a better room? "Your home should always be there home no matter their age....' ?

Yes, and to pile on and say what a cheek she has and how she should be grateful to have a bedroom at all.

Nanny0gg · 15/09/2024 21:34

Derbyderby · 15/09/2024 21:24

Thank you everyone. Going to remove the post now x

Doesn't usually work like that...

JMSA · 15/09/2024 21:34

My eldest daughter moved out at the beginning of the week. She left in the morning and I had her bedroom cleaned and turned around for her younger sister, who moved into the bedroom that evening Grin
She had spent years sharing with middle daughter, so fair's fair.
You need to stop pussyfooting around.
My eldest has high functioning autism and she understood perfectly.

PandaWorld · 15/09/2024 21:35

As someone who has a sibling with mental health, please also make sure you are worrying just as much about the children that dont.
Sorry but this hits a nerve with me. One of my siblings had a breakdown and ever since, my mother has gone overboard in making sure sibling is always put first, that anything she does can be excused as it 'might make her ill again' and treated her with kid gloves. Me? I get the opposite.
I know it's hard as you naturally worry more about your eldest but the other children deserve just as much consideration. My relationship with my family has been ruined because of the different standards and treatment towards me compared to my sibling.

So in short, yes, your youngest should have the room seeing as she is there all the time.

DoreenonTill8 · 15/09/2024 21:35

@MayFairSquare and thanks for not pointing out sp error re 'there'!😆

JMSA · 15/09/2024 21:36

Also, why do they stay with you at weekends?
Sorry if I'm missing something Smile

Sparklywhiteteeth · 15/09/2024 21:37

Derbyderby · 15/09/2024 21:24

Thank you everyone. Going to remove the post now x

What, why? No one has been offensive?

anyway for me, she still stays there a lot, a few times a week so I’d not change it,

Howmanyusernames123 · 15/09/2024 21:39

I’d compromise.

tell them both you’re giving it 6 months for eldest dd to settle and make the transition fully to her bf’s. After that youngest dd can have the option as to which bedroom.

then oldest dd doesn’t feel so pushed out if she’s struggling, but knows she will have to commit to bf fully. Youngest knows she won’t be in th box room permanently, and can make plans for the bigger room if she chooses.

in the meantime take the opportunity to repaint, redecorate etc? Unless youngest want something extreme just clean and neutral for now.

Loooooo · 15/09/2024 21:39

SummerFeverVenice · 15/09/2024 21:26

I was nodding along until you said
She comes home a few times a week as she gets lonely when her boyfriend is at work and they usually stay here at the weekend.

She has not moved out! She is still living at home and stays overnight in boyfriends flat fewer nights than she is at home.

You can’t give her room away! She has one foot at home and one with boyfriend.

so you think the one who is there all the time should have the much smaller bedroom than the one who is there half the time?