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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how to negotiate Christmas with exwife

185 replies

mistletoeandwine86 · 13/09/2024 10:20

I’ve been with my partner for 2 years and we both have 2 children each from our previous marriages.
This year it is my turn to have my children for Christmas week then they go to my ex husband’s place for the second week of the holidays. The plan was to have Christmas all together the 6 of us for the week starting the 23rd, then they would go back to their mum and then my partner and I have booked a mini break just the 2 of us over new year.
Except now partners ex has thrown a spanner in the works and said we cannot have the children then. She wants partner to have them the following week so she can work and hit the roof when my partner said we weren’t around.
I feel like the ex wife just uses my partner for childcare but he isn’t allowed special days like Christmas. My partner has never had the children for Christmas week, they have always been with their mum and my partner has just seen gone to see them on Christmas morning or has had them on Boxing Day etc but they’ve never woken up at his house on Christmas morning.
My partner is unwilling to fight it but I am so upset because we had it all planned out.
AIBU and how can we negotiate with her?

OP posts:
YellowphantGrey · 13/09/2024 10:24

How often does he have his children and what's the regular, normal contact?

It's also not childcare, they are his children. You need stop calling it this.

seedsandseeds · 13/09/2024 10:24

I feel like the ex wife just uses my partner for childcare

How can she use the children's father for childcare?

Secondly, what does this have to do with you? It's his issue to deal with.

Mooneywoo · 13/09/2024 10:24

I feel like the ex wife just uses my partner for childcare

Well childcare for the children is 50% his job, she’s not using him for that, it’s his moral responsibility to his children.

My partner has never had the children for Christmas week, they have always been with their mum and my partner has just seen gone to see them on Christmas morning or has had them on Boxing Day etc but they’ve never woken up at his house on Christmas morning.

Do they want to wake up at his house on Christmas morning?
The reality is many fathers don’t have the appropriate set up for their children, they don’t have nice rooms, they don’t do the unnecessary but nice to haves that the mothers do and bluntly they don’t make things like Christmas special and I know many people who would not have wanted to spend Christmas with a father who sees them every other week or whatever.

2 years is a fairly short length of time.
Do the kids feel comfortable together or is this a rushed desperate attempt at happy families?

SonicTheHodgeheg · 13/09/2024 10:26

If he’s not willing to fight it then you’re stuck. Yanbu to be annoyed that he won’t fight it (does he have a Child Arrangement Order?) but if you force him to fight it then the problem becomes you against them which you probably want to avoid too.

Hoolihan · 13/09/2024 10:27

Maybe the kids don't want to spend Xmas Day with you and your kids? I know I didn't when this kind of thing was foisted on me as a child.

It's really not your business in any case, leave it to your partner to deal with.

SonicTheHodgeheg · 13/09/2024 10:28

*I feel like the ex wife just uses my partner for childcare

Aren’t you treating her like childcare so you can go on holiday? It’s not unreasonable for a parent to use their child free time to do other stuff because their ex or paid childcare like nursery are looking after the kids.

ActualChips · 13/09/2024 10:32

seedsandseeds · 13/09/2024 10:24

I feel like the ex wife just uses my partner for childcare

How can she use the children's father for childcare?

Secondly, what does this have to do with you? It's his issue to deal with.

Yeah, this.
You wrote that your boyfriend is unwilling to fight to parent his kids over Christmas, he doesn't care, so you shouldn't.
If he cared he'd be typing out paragraphs online asking for help, waiting for a court date to formalise access and taking his kids mother to court if she didn't go along with the court order.

Callaphone · 13/09/2024 10:33

How set in stone is this plan for you to alternate Christmas weeks? It sounds like it's never actually happened before.

Original poster
mistletoeandwine86 · 13/09/2024 10:35

Tbf we haven’t asked what the kids think.

My partner has them every other weekend and sees them for one full evening during the week plus does 4/5 school runs a week. There is no formal arrangement.

I’m asking on how my partner can negotiate and come to a compromise that we are all happy with.

The kids are fine together. We are going to go to his parents house and spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day there. Their house is plenty big enough for all of us with spare rooms for all of us. My partner said ex wife was concerned about how we would do stockings which just seems like an excuse. We are perfectly capable of sorting stockings etc!

OP posts:
Original poster
mistletoeandwine86 · 13/09/2024 10:37

Callaphone · 13/09/2024 10:33

How set in stone is this plan for you to alternate Christmas weeks? It sounds like it's never actually happened before.

My ex husband alternate holidays, we have had this arrangement for years and it works well for us. My partner now wants to do a similar arrangement with his ex wife so we have a balance of lots of time with the children but also time on our own. His ex wife doesn’t have a partner. It’s all very informal because up until recently my partner worked shifts.

OP posts:
seedsandseeds · 13/09/2024 10:38

I’m asking on how my partner can negotiate and come to a compromise that we are all happy with.

No need to ask. Your partner has stated he's unwilling to fight this.

I'd work on accepting it.

Mooneywoo · 13/09/2024 10:39

Tbf we haven’t asked what the kids think.

Of course not.

It’s a bit rich for you to moan about his ex using him for childcare when you just want him to have them when you have your kids because it’s convenient and then you can go on holiday.

Many kids don’t want to spend Christmas Day with the parent they stay with only every other weekend. It’s about what’s best for them, not his new girlfriend and the fact that he hasn’t even asked them or talked to them about it says it all.

Whothefuckdoesthat · 13/09/2024 10:40

he isn’t allowed special days like Christmas Well the place to address that is in the Courts. If he hasn’t done it, then perhaps he actually doesn’t mind that much?

My partner has never had the children for Christmas week, they have always been with their mum and my partner has just seen gone to see them on Christmas morning or has had them on Boxing Day etc but they’ve never woken up at his house on Christmas morning Has anyone actually asked the children whether they want to be away from home at Christmas? Maybe they don’t find it particularly comfortable in your home?

My partner is unwilling to fight it but I am so upset because we had it all planned out.
AIBU and how can we negotiate with her? You’re not being unreasonable to be upset that your plans need to be re-thought out, but if he doesn’t want to have alternate Christmases enforced in a Court, then there is absolutely nothing you can do. There’s no negotiating for you to do. His custody arrangements with another person have nothing to do with you.

YellowphantGrey · 13/09/2024 10:44

I'm asking on how my partner can negotiate and come to a compromise that we are all happy you answered your last question in your opening post
My partner is unwilling to fight it but I am so upset because we had it all planned out

Your first mistake was planning it all out and expecting the Mom to fall in line with it. The second mistake was your boyfriend not speaking to his ex in advance of the plans being made.

How old are his children and why had he never had them on Christmas day before?

SonicTheHodgeheg · 13/09/2024 10:46

My partner has never had the children for Christmas week, they have always been with their mum and my partner has just seen gone to see them on Christmas morning or has had them on Boxing Day etc but they’ve never woken up at his house on Christmas morning

If he’s not fought it by getting a Child Arrangement Order then the ex probably thinks that your partner is happy with the normal arrangement. He may be one of those Disney dads who tell his partner and ex what they want to hear rather than what they really think because they want a peaceful life when it’s a matter of time before things go wrong.

By not fighting it, he’s saying that he’d rather anger you than the ex.

JustSaltPlease · 13/09/2024 10:49

When you say "the plan was", had this previously been confirmed or had you assumed that the mother would allow you to have the children christmas week?

Haroldwilson · 13/09/2024 10:51

What age are the kids and how far apart do parents live?

Tbh I can't imagine kids not seeing both parents around Christmas, unless you live really far apart.

Why don't you split the weeks so it's half a week each for both weeks, that still covers you going away.

Maybe kids also don't want to be all together with proto step siblings at Xmas. What do they want?

SD1978 · 13/09/2024 10:58

Sorry to be blunt- and I'm not anti new partner/ although new partners can get a very tough time on MN- but up here too recently he's worked shifts- so the I final arrangement with his ex wife was entirely based on and around his convenience with his shifts? You have a routine with your kids, so he's suddenly decided he should have the same- but has made no effort to do so u til you were on the scene. He's just decided this year to a week on/ week off Christmas arrangement, in the second half of the year, with no consultation with their mum. Having out no effort into having regular time at Christmas with the kids before now because it was easier for him not to. I think you maybe have to accept this year is t going to go the way you want, and discuss next year- I assume next year you don't want Christmas because your kids are at their dads and want new year? If you do it the way she needs/ wants this year, hopefully you can do it the way you want next year, and then ongoing

SprigatitoYouAndIKnow · 13/09/2024 11:06

It's odd that you have both made plans without discussing with the other parent. If you have never had the children for Christmas, why would that change this year without agreeing? It feels like he was supposed to speak to her earlier and didn't and is now refusing to. You also say she had to be more flexible when he did shifts, so it sounds like he is a challenge to coparent with.

In our extended family, we have always done kids are with one parent from Christmas eve afternoon until boxing day morning, so they can relax and enjoy Christmas. Then alternate years, so they do that with the other parent too.

DaniMontyRae · 13/09/2024 11:06

mistletoeandwine86 · 13/09/2024 10:37

My ex husband alternate holidays, we have had this arrangement for years and it works well for us. My partner now wants to do a similar arrangement with his ex wife so we have a balance of lots of time with the children but also time on our own. His ex wife doesn’t have a partner. It’s all very informal because up until recently my partner worked shifts.

Show quote history

So presumably the ex has had to be flexible and accept short notice to work around your dp's shifts but you don't think your dp should be flexible so the ex can work? I'm not sure I would even call it being flexible, if your dp has never had Xmas week then surely he has always had the second week of the Xmas holiday? Or has he just never bothered and left it to his ex to sort out childcare for school holidays

AGoingConcern · 13/09/2024 11:11

The plan was to have Christmas all together the 6 of us for the week starting the 23rd, then they would go back to their mum and then my partner and I have booked a mini break just the 2 of us over new year.

Whose plan was this and when and how was it made? Surely you and your partner didn’t unilaterally decide to change the holiday schedule that had been in place for his kids for years to better fit with your kids’ schedule and your vacation plans and then expect the mom to say “sure sure whatever you want” when you told her. Had she ever agreed to the change for this year before you and your partner made travel plans?

If your partner wants to change the custody schedule moving forward (and I don’t mean flexing it around your DC’s schedule, I mean setting a formal year to year custody schedule that works for his kids) then he should first approach his ex with a proposed schedule and then go through the courts if that doesn’t work. It will need to either be the same each year or alternate one year on one year off. But that needs to come from him, and he doesn’t sound all that fussed.

And I agree with others, the “using him for childcare” comment is absolutely absurd. They’re his own children and he’s parenting far less than half the time.

Mandylovescandy · 13/09/2024 11:15

I am also confused by this "the plan was" as it seems like you have planned something plus booked holiday without checking with her at all. Maybe a more formal plan needs to be in place and holidays negotiated in advance before anybody makes plans

BurbageBrook · 13/09/2024 11:21

You've come on here to moan before asking what the kids think 😂 yes YABU. Let them spend Christmas with their mum.

Fluufer · 13/09/2024 11:28

So the kids are hardly at your house, but you think they should want to spend Christmas there? The kids probably want to spend Christmas with the parent they actually live with. Shocking.

Saltnpeppeh · 13/09/2024 11:32

2 sides to it.... should he have checked her availability? Probably, healthy co-parenting would be to check with one another. Is she changing the plans that have been like that for years, yes it sounds like. Its a tough one.