To ask how to negotiate Christmas with exwife

[mistletoeandwine86]

I’ve been with my partner for 2 years and we both have 2 children each from our previous marriages.
This year it is my turn to have my children for Christmas week then they go to my ex husband’s place for the second week of the holidays. The plan was to have Christmas all together the 6 of us for the week starting the 23rd, then they would go back to their mum and then my partner and I have booked a mini break just the 2 of us over new year.
Except now partners ex has thrown a spanner in the works and said we cannot have the children then. She wants partner to have them the following week so she can work and hit the roof when my partner said we weren’t around.
I feel like the ex wife just uses my partner for childcare but he isn’t allowed special days like Christmas. My partner has never had the children for Christmas week, they have always been with their mum and my partner has just seen gone to see them on Christmas morning or has had them on Boxing Day etc but they’ve never woken up at his house on Christmas morning.
My partner is unwilling to fight it but I am so upset because we had it all planned out.
AIBU and how can we negotiate with her?

Was this not discussed with his ex prior to making all these plans? It doesn’t really make any sense to plan the entire two weeks if not. The children have never spent Christmas Day at your house before, so it’s a change to what has been the ‘norm’. Neither parent should be unilaterally deciding to move the goal posts, so to speak.

No. Where the children want to spend Christmas should be the priority. If they don't want to spend it with 1 parent, that's the parents fault.

“My partner is unwilling to fight it”

That’s it then.
Accept it.

No, don't be so ridiculous - children don't 'want' to do their homework, or get a vaccination as a general rule, but making what the children want a 'priority' is a pathetic manipulation. Each parent has a right to spend time with their children, that's the law.

So she had to cope with work without a reliable ex to be able to plan around?

You've booked a holiday just for the two of you exactly when he would normally see them. Childcare is rarely available in the week between Christmas and New Year, it's very common that employers absolutely refuse to allow parents with an ex to take the time off compared to single parents (especially if they've already had to accommodate a parent being screwed over by the ex's shift pattern repeatedly). And now you're demanding that she misses out on the lead up to Christmas and doesn't work afterwards?

Your ex is presumably reliable and doesn't say 'I'm working' throughout the year and can take the time off after Christmas without problem. Your partner hasn't been predictable or helpful in that respect, so no wonder she wants to have the same arrangement she's had since they split up, rather than accommodate his new girlfriend's wishes for kids and her holiday.

Excuses? Excuses for what?

I am not talking about my situation. You brought your own situation into it.

I didn’t say it’s not fair for children to make children do anything they don’t want to. Why are you lying and making things up.

We are talking specifically about Christmas. Not everything that children do ever. And yes my point is people can do Christmas how they want. You were the one that Christmas must be equally split between parents I am disputing that.

If the Dad wanted to change it he should have discussed it because HE is the one that’s wants to change the set up. It’s his responsibility to start that conversation. He knows they have an adhoc schedule. Again put in place because it benefitted HIM.

Those examples are completely different to where they would prefer to spend Christmas. Why would they want to spend it with dad's new girlfriend and her kids?? Parents reap what they sow.

No one is talking about homework or vaccinations 🙄

No, those were examples of other things where it is ridiculous to make what the children 'want' a priority. Sometimes people use examples to make a point that the basis of an argument is flawed.

You (and that's the plural you, before I get any more BuT I dIdNt sAy tHAT) want OP to be the villain whatever the scenario, I get it.

There not equivalent examples. Where you spend Christmas isn’t the same as whether to have a vaccination or not.

If I took your words to extreme I could say ‘wow you think children should NEVER be a priority and the parents and the parents new partners should always be the priority!’

But I don’t think you mean that so why would I?

We all can do that.

I have clearly said the Op isn’t a villain. Do people think she is a villain or do some people simply think she didn’t think it out. Or probably should have taken her boyfriend at his word that it would fine.

No one is a villain. But the Man in the middle of this is the one that could have domed something to sort it all out. He is the one that messed up.

Shocker that women don’t immediately jump through hoops for their ex has had no interest in regular parenting but suddenly wants “family events” as soon as a new girl with kids is on the scene …

Funny that most men that demand to see their DC 'because they have rights' also forgot they have parental responsibilities that should really mean they provide 50% of care for their children.

He doesn't get a say because he doesn't care enough to put forward an argument.

Your dh makes arrangements with his ex on what his plans are for his kids over Christmas, you make plans with your ex then you guys sort out your plans around that. The kids come first especially at Christmas.

If he wants Christmas morning (which it appears he doesn't really or he would try harder) and can't negotiate it amicably he goes to court (which he also does not to want to do).

You can't expect another family's arrangements, that they were all happy with, to fall in line with your family's child contact arrangements as it suits you.

My ex husband has put in our separation agreement that the kids stay with me at Christmas, I never made the request but I am glad he did, guilt was his motivation and also because he doesn't want the hassle. I will often have the kids for Christmas and New year if new year doesn't fall in one of his day, he is a prick

But the poster I highlighted and replied hasn't read the replies.

Why are you jumping on to tell me you have?

Or are you the OP posting on multiple accounts and agreeing with yourself?!

What? I was agreeing with @Flextime's appraisal of the situation. You were trying to discredit them by saying they hadn't read the thread so I was saying I had and agreed with her assessment anyway. That's how discussions work.

Do you need me to explain it to you more slowly?

So why are you on here, frantically defending the OP and insisting the ex is a bad person who isn't prepared to be flexible and denying the OPs boyfriend access to his children?!

None of your posts are coherent. You've attacked everyone, then agreed with them then started attacking them again

Answering a question directed at someone else isn't how discussions work.

You're very erratic and frantic

I would say you have booked a holiday the second week and aren’t there. Take it or leave it for you to have them over Christmas. She can’t have it all her own way.

THANK YOU.

Sick of men (and their offsiders) who trot out “I have rights!!!” when what they should really be saying is “Although I put in bare minimum effort or less to care for my children most of the time, in this particular instance I demand that they are available to me because I have planned it that way, and I’m shocked that you don’t seem grateful for my sudden ‘stepping up’ as a parent.”

I have rights, I would like half the nice bits and appropriately 7.5% of the relentless day in day out.

I would love to see this happen!! There would be no way in hell I would let it. Go ahead and try this advice op

Do you want to read the quote history and try again?

Wonder if you’ve taken the kids on holiday prior to booking this one? Funny how they are so important but get dropped for a few days away.