To ask how to negotiate Christmas with exwife

[mistletoeandwine86]

I’ve been with my partner for 2 years and we both have 2 children each from our previous marriages.
This year it is my turn to have my children for Christmas week then they go to my ex husband’s place for the second week of the holidays. The plan was to have Christmas all together the 6 of us for the week starting the 23rd, then they would go back to their mum and then my partner and I have booked a mini break just the 2 of us over new year.
Except now partners ex has thrown a spanner in the works and said we cannot have the children then. She wants partner to have them the following week so she can work and hit the roof when my partner said we weren’t around.
I feel like the ex wife just uses my partner for childcare but he isn’t allowed special days like Christmas. My partner has never had the children for Christmas week, they have always been with their mum and my partner has just seen gone to see them on Christmas morning or has had them on Boxing Day etc but they’ve never woken up at his house on Christmas morning.
My partner is unwilling to fight it but I am so upset because we had it all planned out.
AIBU and how can we negotiate with her?

This thread is wild.

Young children should not be made to choose between parents. I can't imagine anything more stressful for them.

In an ideal world, all parties would sit down reasonably and discuss arrangements but we all know this rarely happens.

Alternating Christmas and New Year weeks is perfectly reasonable. The children will soon work out they get twice as many presents and treats in both homes compared to their friends.

Most Dads get no say in being the NRP. MN has no idea how hurtful being told they do the "bare minimum" is when they often have no choice in the arrangement.

Thank you @Ruth58d

we don’t want to ask the children to choose either.

Most Dads get no say in being the NRP. MN has no idea how hurtful being told they do the "bare minimum" is when they often have no choice in the arrangement

What a load of absolute bollocks.

The dads I know who have 50:50 are the ones who want 50:50 and made an effort to negotiate or claim it. Dads (like my ex) who have considerably less are doing less entirely of their own choosing.

“No say” is an absolute joke.

Hahah funniest thing I’ve heard on mn!! Are you actually a man? ”Most dads”? Most dads who are actually decent don’t get no say, most dads who are actually decent and love and care about their kids will do their share of the parenting. Stop giving shit men more of an excuse to be shit men!

Yet this Dad wants to spend a week with his children at Christmas and he's being told that's too much time to expect! You are the hilarious one! 😂

If she’s on her own she’s probably dreading Christmas without them. Could you offer to let her do the stockings, and set up a time for the kids to call her?

I agree you should be working towards alternating Christmas each year.

The alternative might be to have Christmas at home, invite the ex over for Christmas and drive to your PIL on Boxing Day but I get that relations might not be that cordial between you all.

No, he's asking to swap weeks with his ex so he can go on a dirty weekend. Christmas is a red herring here. If it was about spending time with his DC, he would be asking for alternate weeks from now, not in three months time. It is not about seeing his children, it is about spending time away from his children.

Yes so what he wants is all that matters isn’t it. Well actually his girlfriend is who wants it that way.

The mum has been flexible round his shifts and now his life has changed she’s got to change hers too?? I don’t think so. She does by far the most care as the op has said. You’re going on about how most dads get the bare minimum, that’s what he chose! You are the delusional one now!

Nuance isn’t your strong point is it? If he wanted a week on a regular basis that would be one thing but leaving most of the child care to mum through the year then expecting an entire week over what most people consider to be the most important family holiday of the year is completely another.

Besides, the father doesn’t even want that really. It’s his new girlfriend who’s trying to force it on everyone to fit her own holiday plans. Hard to understand what your point is other than “ we mustn’t say true things if they’re going to hurt lazy Dads’ feelings”.