To ask if another man has ever stepped in when you were being harassed?

[CoffySalon]

So, I was on the tube today and had a horrible experience with a guy harassing me. He was invading my personal space, touching me, putting his face and body close too close to mine, and saying things. It was really uncomfortable and no one else was doing anything.

Then, out of nowhere, a guy nearby - who I assume was with his girlfriend - quietly stepped in between us without saying a word. It was so subtle, but the harasser seemed to get the message and stopped, at least for a moment. His girlfriend even smiled at me, like she knew what was happening and wanted to reassure me.

At the next stop, which happened to be this couple’s stop, the guy didn’t rush off. He turned to me and asked quietly “are you okay?” I told him “Yes, thank you” and just before he left, both he and his girlfriend suggested I move to where they had been standing, even pointing out a seat. Unfortunately, someone sat in the seat before I could take it.

As soon as they left though, the guy started harassing me, and no one else did anything except for a few women who smiled in sympathy, but didn’t step in.

This man’s quiet intervention meant so much to me, and I just wanted to share my appreciation for him, but also to ask: has anyone else ever experienced a man stepping in to help like this? And what did you do when it happened?

Would love to hear your stories and thoughts.

No, never. This thread gives me so much faith though.

I remember when I was 20, shy and working in catering. I was carrying something and the head chef said in front of everyone ‘why don’t you balance it on your tits, they’re big enough’ and all the other chefs laughed. It is burned into my brain as one of the worst experiences of my working life. Of course I said nothing, because I was young and didn’t have the confidence.

At 31 I wish I could go back and rip him a new one. He had a daughter.

There's never really been any witnesses when I have been harassed.
There was a time when this young guy of about 19 kept following me, harassing me in public spaces, almost stalking me. Always trying to distract me in order to catch my attention and speak to him. This happened in a library and I just snapped at him and he seemed to finally get the message.

Another time coming off a train a drunk older guy followed me and said 'Don't worry I won't attack you' people must have heard but nothing was said and nobody checked I was OK.

The other day on the bus I kept feeling this air on the back of my neck. It was stifling hot and packed solid on the bus, when I turned round, it was this young guy doing it. He did it several times and I felt like crying which is embarrassing. I didn't say anything as was trapped and he would have just denied it. People must have seen but again, nothing.

So no, no man has ever helped me but my stories aren't as bad as some of yours. I'm so sorry.

As in he was blowing air onto the back of my neck. Sorry. That made zero sense.

You need to learn to read the fucking room. This is a thread about men menacing and assaulting women and you're trying to make inane 'jokes'?

Thanks for the feedback.
No need to be swearing.

Was in Berlin in my 20s at around 2am waiting on a train platform after a night out (I now shudder to think of my own daughter in this situation!) when I felt like a man was sort of lurking around me. He didn’t say anything so I have no idea if his imtentions were sinister but I remember feeling frightened

Then as if from nowhere, some sort of German official came to stand near us and just waited there. He gave me a look as if to say ‘I’ll make sure youre ok’ and I remember feeling so incredibly grateful in that moment

No, never has a man done that for me. My friend and I have waded in for each other many a time though.

There is one occasion which sticks out in my mind, of my dad standing up to a man who was clearly abusing his girlfriend. We were outside Blockbuster Video (so many moons ago) and I can’t have been quite a teenager. Some bloke had a hold of his girlfriend’s arm and was shouting at her as he pulled towards his car. She was crying quietly and it looked like he was hurting her.

My dad marched over and told him to back off and let go. He asked the woman if she was ok and if she wanted him to call her a taxi. She said no and that she’d best get in the car.

My dad was really quiet and subdued for the rest of the evening - definitely worrying about her - but there wasn’t much more he could have done. When I drive past that street I sometimes think of that woman and wonder if she ever managed to rid herself of that prick. I do hope she did.

You know what she meant. It was glib. It was generalising. It wasn’t serious. It was a joke.

I have intervened and will always try. A pretty younger woman was trapped in a window seat by a guy in his 40’s who was halfway into her seat and being creepy and touching hee
legs etc slightly. My arsehole alarm went off and over I went ‘Emma? Oh my good I haven’t seen you in ages! How is your mum?…excuse me mate could you move up so I can sit next to my friend?’ If he’d said no I would have asked her to stand up and stand over by the doors for a chat. If she didn’t want my help she could have said I was mistaken. As I sat down she whispered ‘thanks’.

I’m not a shrinking violet though, when I was in my 20’s a guy felt my backside as we were getting off the train, I grabbed his hand and thrust it in the air and shouted ‘excuse me has anyone lost this? I just found it stuck to my arse!’

It made me smile, @greenshade! But clearly you’re not allowed to be flippant on MN either…

You'd think!!

Yes I have. I still remember him. I was 17 or so and being harassed on a fairly empty tube by a drunk guy, I kept moving seats and he kept following me. This other guy who I hadn’t noticed just came and sat next to me, I thought oh my god I’ve got another one, but he was so kind, asking me what stop I was getting off and if anybody was meeting me. The drunk guy immediately backed off. He really saved me.

It's "masculinity" that leads to the behaviour in the first place. That's like saying guns have their uses as you can shoot a gun wielding maniac with a gun 🙄

So no, masculinity doesn't have its uses, it's just that some men (and very few of them at that) have the good grace to step up when one of their own is being abusive.

That is so disgusting. I'm so sorry you went through that.

Nope. I was attacked on the street by a group of men, one of whom pushed me to the ground and held a broken beer bottle to my throat. Other men just walked by. Two young women ran after me when I eventually broke free to give me my bag back as the men had literally torn it from my shoulder.

In broad daylight at a bus stop I was waiting for a bus standing near the kerb when a couple of guys pulled up in a car and tried to persuade me to go with them. When I said no they tried to pull me into the car. I held onto a post and they kept pulling, so two guys sitting at the stop got up one held onto me and the other pushed the guys away they both told them to leave me alone.

Such a weird thing to do with people around!

When I think of it now it didn’t even occur to me to tell the police. I didn’t get their licence plate anyway.

That’s brilliant. The last time a bloke grabbed my arse I turned around a punched him as hard as I could in the stomach but he was so fat my fist just kind of bounced off him. Wish I’d thought to do what you did!

Yes, back in the 90s. I was surrounded by a group of men in a pub who were taunting me
on my way back to the bar from the loo, pinching my bum, saying rude things to me. I was out with a mixed group and suddenly a few of the boys/young men I was with faced off these guys and we all left the pub. It was so striking, how seriously they took it. I didn’t need to ask for help, tell them I wanted to leave or anything. It just happened. I think that’s the most I have felt supported and understood by men in that kind of situation and we were so young. I guess at the same time extremely vulnerable. Really mixed feelings

It was something I heard about and just bounced straight into my head. I just took a deep breath and went for it. People laughed, he went red and said ‘I wasn’t doing anything..’ a few blokes gave him some hard stares!

Twice. Living abroad and partying with American soldiers. One guy kept touching me and wouldn't leave me alone. Another soldier (he was a genuine amazing guy) ended up telling him to back off and leave me alone.

Second time...Italy 16 years old. Local follows me into the bathroom, grabs my face and tries to kiss me. I remember just yelling no. Him saying "no?" And yelling no again before really quickly ducking under his arm and getting out of there. I told the "holiday friend" I was with who then told the owner of the bar. The owner was very angry and made him leave. He was a great guy. He used to walk drunk holiday makers back to the hotel not far away as he knew some dodgy guys would be sitting in cars and waiting.

Yes. Dublin 22 years ago in Blooms Hotel, I'll never forget it. I was 18 and drinking in the hotel bar with a male friend. There was a huge group of men we were both chatting to and then a lone male at the bar. Male friend went upstairs to our room because he was drunk. I felt safe because the group of men were jovial and friendly, I didn't feel threatened at all, plus we were in the hotel so didn't think much of being on my own.

Lone male at the bar started staring at me creepily, honestly can't explain how he was just staring straight at me it was weird, bar man asked if I was okay and I assured him I was. A couple more drinks and I forgot about the lone male and went to the toilets. Whilst in the cubicle I heard someone enter, I had been the only female in the entire bar so I knew it was creepy lone man.

I left the cubicle and he was stood blocking the door and I froze. Thankfully bar man came in right that second and grabbed him and threw him out before he could do anything to me. It sends shivers down my spine to think what would've happened had he not noticed him follow me in or if it happened now when no one would have intervened for fear of being called a "transphobe" as the very obvious male could identify as female.

That's what the poster meant - Andrew Tate would say this thread shows masculinity has it's uses and would be used as evidence that 'men should be men' or whatever crap they say.

The poster isn't agreeing with him

@CoffySalon It's disgusting that men do this.

When the Good Guy left, and the perve started on you again, did you feel like calling him out?

I was assaulted once on a bus when a guy (middle aged, well dressed, cashmere overcoat) started rubbing himself against my arm (I was in an aisle seat.)

I was new to a big city and had no idea at first what was going on. I assumed it was 'accidental' as it happened when the bus swerved round a very big roundabout and he was swaying against my seat.

I said nothing but now I wish I'd stood up and shouted 'WTF are you doing!' And told the whole bus he was rubbing his penis against my arm.

These men need to be called out.

I don’t think I’ve ever had a man step up for me like this but can think of three occasions when other women have done so. Once i was attacked on a crowded tube. None of the men stepped in but a girl my own age did by calling him out really loudly and asking why no blokes nearby were sticking up for me, that was enough to put him off thankfully.

If men weren’t like Andrew Tate women wouldn’t need protecting.