To ask if another man has ever stepped in when you were being harassed?

[CoffySalon]

So, I was on the tube today and had a horrible experience with a guy harassing me. He was invading my personal space, touching me, putting his face and body close too close to mine, and saying things. It was really uncomfortable and no one else was doing anything.

Then, out of nowhere, a guy nearby - who I assume was with his girlfriend - quietly stepped in between us without saying a word. It was so subtle, but the harasser seemed to get the message and stopped, at least for a moment. His girlfriend even smiled at me, like she knew what was happening and wanted to reassure me.

At the next stop, which happened to be this couple’s stop, the guy didn’t rush off. He turned to me and asked quietly “are you okay?” I told him “Yes, thank you” and just before he left, both he and his girlfriend suggested I move to where they had been standing, even pointing out a seat. Unfortunately, someone sat in the seat before I could take it.

As soon as they left though, the guy started harassing me, and no one else did anything except for a few women who smiled in sympathy, but didn’t step in.

This man’s quiet intervention meant so much to me, and I just wanted to share my appreciation for him, but also to ask: has anyone else ever experienced a man stepping in to help like this? And what did you do when it happened?

Would love to hear your stories and thoughts.

Nope. Women have, though. And I’ve done the same for other women.

My now ex h was being yelled at by a neighbour. I'd complained to his wife they wouldn't fix a fence that would stop my toddler getting into their garden where they had a pond. I explained he could drown, she told me that was my problem. I said I'll replace the fence. The man flew out of his house and started laying into my h verbally. I stepped between them and he backed off.

My child was never in the garden alone so never at risk but we all know the dangers of water.

a friend of my husbands stepped in to help a woman , ended up being attacked and fighting for his life in hospital, luckily he recovered

@greenshade if you for one second think this thread is shining a positive light on male behaviour you’re insane

There's an interesting book called The Bystander Effect, about the reasons people don't intervene.

No, never.

One time I was being verbally and physically harassed by a group of males on the bus, which was jam packed with other people. I was 17 at the time and petrified. Not one person on that bus spoke up for me, until these males had got off the bus when one bloke asked me if I was ok. I just looked at him. Funnily enough the police also couldn't have cared less.

Only once did a man step in when I was harassed by another man. There's been a few occasions where a group of women have stepped in.

I've also stepped in a few times when I've seen other women being harassed. It's frightening though as you never know if the man will back down or get more aggressive.

When I was 19 I was being harassed whilst waiting for a bus in the dark, late at night. Another man came along and pretended to know me, gave me firm eye contact, we got chatting and the other man backed off straight away. I was so grateful. This was 40 years ago but I've never forgotten.

I think low level interventions are effective because they don't escalate the situation. Bullies are often cowards but there's no guarantee that someone drunk or high won't react badly if challenged. It's possibly safer for a woman to get involved than a man.

My DH once asked a guy, pestering me in a pub, "Is she bothering you?". The drunk was known for getting into fights so the normal challenge would probably have gone wrong.

Yes i am insane for seeing the funny side to things

what have you found funny on this thread @greenshade? Is it the countless stories of harassment and attempted rape, or something else?

I was harassed and assaulted by a driving instructor at the age of 17.

I was living away from home at the time so I told a teacher. He went to town on this case.

The police took a statement but it being the early 2000s, it went nowhere. The instructor carried on giving lessons etc. The police said "it's your word against his, you won't get anywhere". So my teacher rang the driving instructors wife, boss, anyone who would listen. By the time he was done with him, the driving instructor was divorced and unemployed.

It's not the type of story you're looking for, but i feel so grateful to that teacher for his doggedness about that whole situation.

No, but I stepped in (with a friend) when a drunk guy was harassing a bunch of teenage girls on the train we were on.

It is the safest way to directly intervene. The kind of men who harass women in the street are the type who will respect another man's "property" much more than a womans No and are not likely to respond calmly to being sworn at.

The fake boyfriend diffuses the situation and doesn't cause a scene.
I'm always grateful for my friends putting an arm round my waist or calling me babe if it means the creep goes away and nobody gets punched.

Once, a guy stepped in when a creep pushed me as I had rejected his very persistent advances (by telling him to fuck
off, woops). The helpful man restrained him and got him escorted out.

It was helpful, more people who feel able to help should but honestly, this one time was a drop in the ocean. I was harassed so, so many times as a girl and younger woman. No one helped, except female friends who were with me.

I got it. You were taking the P out of mumsnet, and a certain cohort in particular, not minimising the seriousness and awfulness of people’s experience not the extent of the issue of male to female violence. It’s possible to take that seriously and still make a small joke at our own expense. It made me smile 😊

I was in my very early 20s and a group of us were staying with a friend as we were attending an event in their city the next day. This friend decided to try it on with me and when I turned him down he proceeded to kick off at me. He had a colleague also staying there who I didn’t know but he was staying because he had to catch an early train for an important family occasion the next morning and this house was much closer. I don’t even really remember talking to him that much.

This stranger told your man to back off which got us both kicked out. He brought me back to his house where we stayed and he got me to the event the next morning so I could link up with some other friends. This was pre mobile phones. He was so kind and I felt completely safe with him. I never saw him again but I’m very grateful to him for standing up for me and making sure I wasn’t all alone in a strange city.

Thank you.

Yes! My friend and me were at a gig and some very drunk fella was harrasing us and trying to get handsy.
Same scenario as op, this guy who was with his girlfriend moved in to create space between us and the drunk fella
He didn't say anything, just his presence was enough and when we were leaving we thanked him and his girlfriend.

Andrew Tate would have been outraged that the quiet man intervened. This wasn't alpha male behaviour. It was kindness. Probably instigated by the woman.

Other than male friends the only man who's ever intervened and helped me was foreign, I think Eastern European from his accent.

I think there is a cultural issue tbh with the majority of British men not noticing or wanting to get involved.

Yes, was on a plane once at 18, flying with a friend. We were sat next to strangers, miles apart on the plane. I was sat next to an absolute letch. Luckily the lovely gentleman sat with his wife across the aisle cottoned on and asked me if I'd like to swap seats. I was so grateful.

I'll add he was not British, he was an Arab, he and his wife were from Abu Dhabi or Qatar I believe.

But Mumsnet don't hate men. Mumsnet is a website not a person. Posters tend to hate men who treat women like shit but love decent men. You're not the first to post something like this that they think is funny or clever and I doubt you'll be the last.