Is this silent treatment from my 13 year old abusive?

[purpleRainfalling]

So background story. We had a cat for about a year. It was my 17 year olds cat she got from a friend. It got too overwhelming me taking care of a pet when no one was helping and I have young children to take care of and I under estimated the responsibility when i agreed to the 17 year old that she can bring the cat home and everyone else was out of the house all day and i was left with the cat and as I have to try to find a job now that my daughter is starting 15 hours nursery I won't have time for the cat.

So I discussed with the 17 year old about rehoming and she understood. The other children were sad but adapted BUT the 13 year old is milking it. She is giving me silent treatment won't communicate with me and gives me massive attitude when she HAS to communicate with me

I feel very triggered as this is what her dad was like with me and she's the only one of my children who's in contact with her dad.

AiBU to feel like she's abusing me and using the cat rehoming as an excuse? There were times she didn't even want the cat in her room.

I've begged her to 'be OK with me'and it reminded me of when I used to beg her dad to be ok with me when he gave me the silent treatment

I'm so very anxious and sad

Also the cat was collected by a lovely couple and sent me updates of him settled so he's gone to a good home

@tractive it's been a week now

She’s probably really upset about you giving the cat away??

I'd tell her very calmly that she doesn't get to do the silent treatment to anyone in the house. Don't beg her to talk to you.

Tell her that she is to answer you in civil tones when you speak to her, or there will be sanctions for her behaviour. Failure to answer when spoken to means that she loses her phone, or is grounded, or whatever else you decide on. Yes it's abusive and rude and you don't have to tolerate it.

Ummmm I think "abusing you" is a bit extreme here?! She is a child who is sulking. She'll get over it. It may well be triggering for you but you are an adult and a parent so deal with it.

She is not her dad
Leave her be she is sad about the cat
Act normally

I work full time so does my husband, we have DC , how does a cat take up too much time?! Your daughter probably feels your reason for getting rid of it is dishonest.

Why do you think she wants to abuse you? If you think she's using the cat as an excuse then what do you feel is really driving it?

How much work do you need to do to take care of a cat? YABU for giving it away as cats don't need care!

Abusive? You're overreacting.

Just sounds like very, very normal typical young kid who seems quite sad about the situation (understandably I'd say as in my experience cats are no effort at all but just my opinion).

She's 13. This is a teenager exercising what power they have - it's completely and utterly normal! Words like abuse and triggering is just ridiculous in this context! I'm not entirely understanding quite how time intensive a cat can be that you need to rehome it...?! If you don't want it, you don't want it. Just be honest about the reason.

A cat doesn’t need someone with it all day.

I think YABU in getting rid of your child’s pet, and to be honest overreacting and overthinking her behaviour.

You have upset her and she is reacting to that.

It doesn’t sound ‘abusive’. Reads like something from one of the narc parents threads.

It doesn't matter your reasons, you've made the decision that you think is best for you and your family. Now stick with it and don't cave. She will get over it if you don't pander to her/fan the flames of her silence. Sulking is no fun on your own when everyone pretends you aren't and just gets on with life. Don't make this into a bigger deal than it is.

Surely this is a joke.

Your 13 yr old is pissed off because you gave away a family pet, not being abusive. I think you need to chat this through with her when she’s ready not accuse her of being abusive. It’s not her fault your ex was dreadful.

Incidentally it’s pretty poor to give pets away especially when you have kids- it really affects them emotionally (even if the cat has gone to a good home). And unless there is a massive drop feed I really don’t see how a cat can have been that much work that you weren’t expecting- surely all that’s involved is putting some food down once a day and maybe a litter tray if the cat isn’t allowed outside?

She’s sulking, not abusive. That said, she needs to behave herself and resume speaking with the rest of the family.

I would try to understand her upset though, a cat is not particularly hard to look after and she probably can’t understand how it got to the point where it was rehomed.

She’s just being a normal difficult teenager who’s upset about a decision made by their parent. Nothing unusual and nothing abusive.

Don’t beg your child to be ok with you because it puts responsibility on her for your feelings, and as a child, she is not responsible for your feelings, you are.

Three issues here that I see:

1. You are projecting your stuff onto your 13 year old child. Get yourself into therapy, she is not your ex!
2. You are begging your child to be okay with the situation!!! Be a parent and tell her this behaviour is unacceptable, and had to stop. She can be upset but not talking to you is not the way to deal with it.
3. Cats are not a lot of effort, I'm at a loss to understand why you couldn't cope with it! But in glad he got a good home.

If I gave our cat away because I couldn't be bothered to look after it, my dd would probably hold it against me for life.

As she should.

The cat was a lot of effort
It was weeing everywhere and lots of other things. Even though it had a cat litter tray.
The cat also was wanting to escape multiple times but we live on a main road ( we didn't when we first got him) so I couldn't let him out as he would have got run over
The cat was unhappy.
Yet I'm being punished for making a decision as an adult
I say 'abusing me'as she's frequently shouting at me amd giving me attitude and silent treatment