Is this silent treatment from my 13 year old abusive?

[purpleRainfalling]

So background story. We had a cat for about a year. It was my 17 year olds cat she got from a friend. It got too overwhelming me taking care of a pet when no one was helping and I have young children to take care of and I under estimated the responsibility when i agreed to the 17 year old that she can bring the cat home and everyone else was out of the house all day and i was left with the cat and as I have to try to find a job now that my daughter is starting 15 hours nursery I won't have time for the cat.

So I discussed with the 17 year old about rehoming and she understood. The other children were sad but adapted BUT the 13 year old is milking it. She is giving me silent treatment won't communicate with me and gives me massive attitude when she HAS to communicate with me

I feel very triggered as this is what her dad was like with me and she's the only one of my children who's in contact with her dad.

AiBU to feel like she's abusing me and using the cat rehoming as an excuse? There were times she didn't even want the cat in her room.

I've begged her to 'be OK with me'and it reminded me of when I used to beg her dad to be ok with me when he gave me the silent treatment

I'm so very anxious and sad

I like cats but that is not the issue. You made the best decision for you and the cat is in a nice new home.

I don't think it's quite normal to sulk for a week as a 13 year old but I think all teens develop an awareness of what pisses you off and so they use that to maximum effect. Rather than beg for her forgiveness maybe tell.her that when she wants to talk and can do so politely you will be there. Then clean slate and move on.

You are using some big words - abusive, triggering, punishment for a child who is being a bit of an arse. They have some big emotions that they don't know how to deal with it. You give them power by begging them to speak to you, but you are the parent. You need to speak to someone who can help your child manage their apparent grief.

Abuse indicates a power dynamic where the abuser has more power. She's 13, not throwing her weight around, just disengaging. Silent treatment can be abusive but coming from a child I don't think it is. Also I'm not sure what you want to gain by categorising it in that way. Did you want to use that emotive language to your daughter?
Essentially you want to make an unpopular decision and you also want your daughter to be OK with it. She isn't OK with it, and you need to get to a place where that's fine with you, you can accept that she feels upset about something without being triggered by it. You are the adult here, it isn't her responsibility to manage your emotions.

If you want to protect your relationship you really need to consider family therapy and some one to one psychotherapy for yourself to process your trauma and be the grounded and calm parent they need.

Some signs of an unhealthy dynamic here:

the 13 year old is milking it.

there were times when she didn’t even want the cat in her bedroom

Dismissing and invalidating her feelings - how can you judge if she is overreacting? You aren’t inside her head, you don’t know how she feels about the cat

She is giving me silent treatment won't communicate with me and gives me massive attitude when she HAS to communicate with me

She feels unable to express her feelings to you, perhaps she expects you to dismiss them. Attitude is normal teenager behavior.

I feel very triggered as this is what her dad was like with me and she's the only one of my children who's in contact with her dad.

You need therapy to work through those triggers and stop conflating her with your ex

AiBU to feel like she's abusing me

Yes

I've begged her to 'be OK with me'

This is so unhealthy.

I'm so very anxious and sad

Please get the therapy you need and deserve. Maybe EMDR and/or psychotherapy help you.

She needs you to acknowledge, accept and validate her feelings.

‘I can see you’re really upset about the cat leaving.’

‘You won’t want to talk to me, perhaps you are feeling angry and frustrated?’

Sorry but people saying all a cat needs is food and water? No it needs more than that. It needs constant fleaing and worming and cat litter tray needs emptying all the time. I couldn't have my windows open at all because the cat would Try to escape and like I said it would get run over. It's not nice to not be able to open your window s either
It weeing and pooing everywhere
It pooed In my bath as well
I couldn't handle that
I have young children
I didn't want a pet in the first place but my 17 year old guilt tripped me .
Yes I understand she's upset ive told her this and maybe I've done something awful In her eyes but I don't think I deserve being treated like im a criminal for so long
Like people on here are condoning a child's grudge and behaviour long term over this I don't get how that's OK

Are you for real?

In your child’s eyes (yes, 13 is still an emotionally, immature child) you have given the family cat away. She is entitled to feel a sense of grief rather than you emotionally manipulating her by saying things like “begging her” like you begged her absent father.

If anyone is abusive- emotionally abusive- it is you.

She like most will think u got rid of the cat cos u didn’t want it. They really don’t take up much time. Lots who work full time have cats.

Not nice.
But
She's communicating with you, doing it because she knows it bothers you. You're feeding off each other in this.
Only one of you needs to change, and as adults we have better capacity for concerted change than kids. As parents we can change our reactions and sometimes it's like a magic wand how a child will find this intriguing and very slightly unsettling.
So that's the way forward. Stop letting it bother you. Or stop letting it show it bothers you whatsoever. She wont speak to you? Ignore, go speak with someone else. Every time. Go off into another room singing if that's what it takes.
She will realise that connecting with you will require words, or nice actions, or whatever it is that gets a reaction.

No, she's just being 13.

Abusers often behave in emotionally immature ways - it is then difficult when you have children with them and the children seem to mimic those ways, but they are being children (usually) and will grow out of it. Whereas the abuser was the one who should have acted like a reasonable, mature adult.

I don't think DS would forgive me if I gave away our cat, you work on problems you don't give them away. She's sad and probably angry, she feels powerless and this is the only thing she can control. It's not healthy to compare her to get father, insinuating there's an issue because she's the one who maintained a relationship with him, calling her abusive because she's while understandably annoyed with you so it's choosing to disengage, that's often advice given here!

I agree with PP you need to engage with appropriate therapy

Yes I understand she's upset ive told her this and maybe I've done something awful In her eyes

Great, you acknowledged her feelings…. But then..

but I don't think I deserve being treated like im a criminal for so long

You give a but. As soon as you add a ‘but’ you are dismissing the feelings and counteracting the acknowledgment you just gave.

‘You are allowed to be angry with me but actually you are not allowed to be angry with me to this extent or for this long’

The in love while parenting app is free and a great start to understanding this stuff

Shes sulking. That's being a teenager. Did the 17 year old not sulk from time to time?

Shes not her dad. I really hope you haven't drawn that comparison to her face.

She can sulk as much as she likes but she doesn't get to be rude, when you require a response she needs to be civil, if she isn't then you give an appropriate consequence.

Being sad that your cat is gone is quite understandable. Giving you the silent treatment for a full week is not.

Sorry OP, she's being a brat. Tell her you were understanding to begin with as you know she loved the cat, but it's time for her to grow up and stop punishing everyone around her (because this will 100% have an effect on the atmosphere of the house) because she's upset. Don't "beg" her. You're the parent. You're in charge. Let her know that.

At 13 she is not a “young child”. Infantilising teenagers is really unhelpful.

Your child is a child.

And as such will behave childishly on occasion.

You are the adult, and her parent, and it is your job to recognise when she's upset and help her to get through that.

Currently you're teaching her that being upset (and yes, potentially overreacting) is making you feel attacked.

This isn't how to handle this situation.

Does she know all of the reasons the cat was rehomed. If not sit calmly and explain to her and acknowledge that it's very sad but was best for the cat.

After that explain why 'silent treatment' is not acceptable and that if she would like help from you to work through her feelings then you're there for her (and do be there) and until that time, like everyone else when they're sad but unwilling to talk about, she will need to get on with life as normal best she can.

Be honest with yourself. Do you resort to silent treatment/'having a break' if your kids are stressing you out?

Your messages do read as if you are quite emotionally over reactive yourself so it's not totally fair to blame her for acting the same way.

She is sulking. It will pass.

And stop with the "I am being triggered" nonsense. You don't get to make yourself the victim when you give away the family pet and your child will not pretend to be okay with that.

The cat is your decision to make as the adult.

It does sound a bit chaotic with your 17yo "guilt tripping you" into getting a pet and then you deciding it is all too much and giving it away, as well as begging the 13yo to "be OK with you" - but OK, everyone makes mistakes so chalk it up to experience. And honestly, better rehome a cat than neglect it.

How long had you had the cat anyway?
How many children do you have?

It does sound a bit like you are struggling to step up and be confident in your position as the adult.

No, she's not abusing you. You're being ridiculous.

Stop laying your baggage on her.

She has learned from somewhere (her dad?) that the silent treatment is legitimate way of dealing with a dispute. It will not serve her well. It's no way for adults to conduct themselves. It's worth calmly and consistently reinforcing that.

okay, honestly? People view pets differently from each other. Some see them as a full family member. Some see them as an addition/novelty/toy. You seem to fall in the middle. Your 13 year old seems to fall in the family category.

I don’t want my toddler in with me whenever I’m going to the toilet, doesn’t mean I don’t love her. Your teenager didn’t want your cat to wee in her room.

A week of silent treatment is extreme, but from your comments, she’s not giving you that. She’s also shouting at you. She’s communicating with you exactly what is wrong. She’s a human being who can’t turn her feelings on and off. You can’t ask her to “fix” her attitude or not be hurt with you, she couldn’t do that for herself if she wanted to.

It does sound like (as someone who has done cat fostering on and off) your house wasn’t a suitable home for that cat. Marking outside the litter box is a sign of a very anxious cat, the constant escape attempts also. He wasn’t getting enough stimulation in your house.

this was something that would have been best dealt with as a family. “cat is anxious. I am the only one who looks after cat. Everyone needs to get involved to make the marking stop. we’re going to try x steps (usually removing anxiety, providing lots of enrichment and hiding places, maybe outdoor time) which you older kids are going to do. If all those things don’t work or aren’t done in x time period, we have to conclude we’re not the place for cat, and they need to leave.”

You asked the person who brought the cat in if the cat could leave, and they agreed. That wasn’t enough for 13YO, who viewed cat as a family member to be disposed of.

The damage is done now, and she needs to work through it in her own time. What you need to do is take a step back and stop viewing yourself as the victim in all this. Act normally and give her space to heal. Shut down any yelling/screaming, by all means, but in a calm way.

It's not long term don't be dramatic.
She's a kid who's been upset and angry for a week.

She not abusive.
She's someone with literallyno power here. She has no control, no say. She probably feels abused if anything! Powerless, voiceless.

You can't start to see your child as your abuser. You just can't. You're the adult here. You cant decide your child's understandable upset and anger is abuse of you.

You have to deal with it firmly but calmly and kindly and acknowledging her feelings and not demanding she prioritise yours.

What good would it do to frame this as abuse? Absolve you of your parenting responsibilities? You need to figure out what is really going on with your dd and work on your relationship with her. 13 is hard, learn how to be there for her.

I know it's not the point of the thread but, tbh, this.

You literally need to put food and water out for it, done. They care for themselves.

Your 13yo is upset and a teenager. Don't pander to it. Act as you normally would, and eventually she will come out of it.

When cats relieve themselves on the floor it’s either due to a medical problem or because they are very unhappy. In your case it sounds like the latter.

Please take it to a cat rescue so the poor thing can stand a chance of being somewhere it’s actually wanted.

edit: I read your update, I’m glad it’s found a good home.

She’s a teenager who’s pissed off with her mum! You're the worst person in the world to her right now but it will pass.

Never compare her to her abusive father tho, that will destroy your relationship.

13-year-olds sulk. Because they're children.