Is this silent treatment from my 13 year old abusive?

[purpleRainfalling]

So background story. We had a cat for about a year. It was my 17 year olds cat she got from a friend. It got too overwhelming me taking care of a pet when no one was helping and I have young children to take care of and I under estimated the responsibility when i agreed to the 17 year old that she can bring the cat home and everyone else was out of the house all day and i was left with the cat and as I have to try to find a job now that my daughter is starting 15 hours nursery I won't have time for the cat.

So I discussed with the 17 year old about rehoming and she understood. The other children were sad but adapted BUT the 13 year old is milking it. She is giving me silent treatment won't communicate with me and gives me massive attitude when she HAS to communicate with me

I feel very triggered as this is what her dad was like with me and she's the only one of my children who's in contact with her dad.

AiBU to feel like she's abusing me and using the cat rehoming as an excuse? There were times she didn't even want the cat in her room.

I've begged her to 'be OK with me'and it reminded me of when I used to beg her dad to be ok with me when he gave me the silent treatment

I'm so very anxious and sad

She's 13. You rehomed the family pet a week ago. She's expressing her unhappiness about this in a fairly common way for a 13 year old to do so.

But that's not the issue, you are painting yourself as a victim of abuse from your child, and that is wrong.

She’s a child that just lost her pet. Op I get that you have problems but think about how you would have felt as a child, tell her you understand and give her some time x

Obviously but it's not the sort of behaviour to encourage or accept in a child.and she should be taught healthier ways to manage disappointment and being upset.

Yes YABU. And your daughter isn’t abusive.

So your ex was abusive and your DD sees him. You have a new husband and young children and now she's upset about the family pet leaving.

Honestly it sounds like your DD has been through a lot and she is grieving.

She is not abusing you.

Your victim mentality is very unhealthy.

Come on mumsnett you all know this is stupid to say about a child.
If its not men or the inlaws being abusive or next door NOW a child being called abusive.
It seems like everyone is abusive on here.
OP its a cat she loved you got rid of it no need for it a cat takes less care and time than any pet unless its a fish or bird.
Some parents dont see how toxic they really are untill the child leaves home and goes NC.

I find it concerning that you're linking her understandable anger at you getting rid of her cat to her abusive father. TBH I think you're the one with the issues and by asssuming a victim role and putting the blame for that onto your child, you sound narcissistic.

Too much drama going on in your house i think.

Do i think it's ok that she's refusing to talk and move on.. yes I do think that's wrong

Have you forgotten what it's like to be a teenager?

@SloggingOn24 you have no idea
Just judged me from one post
In not an abuser
I don't go around abusing my family or friends or anyone
An abuser is someone who intentionally hurts someone I don't
How is wanting my child to communicate and more past a situation instead of giving silent treatment with can be hurtful to everyone as well as herself be abusive?

Can you access counselling OP? It’s a bit worrying that you perceive yourself as being bullied by your children (who are apparently guilt tripping and abusing you). You need to be the adult who can model healthy emotions and behaviours to your children so they can mature. You’re not able to do that yet.

Maybe I used the wrong choice of words but to call me narcissistic for being upset is way off thr mark als completely wrong considering none of you know me

She loved her cat and she's upset. Blimey, give her a break. She'll come round in the end. it's a bit much to accuse her of triggering you, of being abusive and like her father. I do hope you haven't told her that directly.

If you do upsetting things that destabilise children and teens (like give away a family pet) and then demand that your children should not express their emotions over it in case it makes you feel bad, then I think that is abusive.

I understand your reasons for needing to give up the cat. You should understand her reasons for being in a sad sulk over it, and not expect her to just snap out of it. Act as normal as possible around her, cut her some slack, give her a hug, and let her come round in her own time. It won't last forever.

Because you're not acknowledging your child is a person with thoughts and feelings, who is hurt by choices you made. Not speaking to you right now is one of the few things she can control. You're looking at all of this through a very selfish lens with very little empathy/compassion.

I agree. It was wrong and unfair to call you narcissistic.
It is also wrong and unfair to call your 13 year old an abuser.

Sit down with her. Communicate.

She's not her dad. She's not an adult. She's a sad and angry child. You're projecting all of the feelings you had about your ex onto her and behaving as if she has a level of power over you that she does not have. She doesn't have the power or agency to abuse you.

Yes and even from YOUR description and explanation of events, you still sound like you're not handling this well. Would you not accept feedback on that?

Gosh OP you seem to be getting picked on from all sides in this thread..
I think the pp who are focusing on your decision to give the cat away are being unreasonable. You made the decision with the welfare of the cat in mind and the one that suited your needs going forward.

Even if the 13 year old was upset about your decision giving you the silent treatment is unreasonable. But you shouldn't be begging her to speak to you. You are validating her behaviour by doing that. I feel you should make it clear you are sorry she is upset about the cat and then you should try and carry on as normal: speak to her as normal and if she doesn't speak back to you then just accept that you aren't getting a reply. Don't make a big issue of it. She can't keep her silence up indefinitely. By letting her see it upsets you she is getting her reward for bad behaviour.

What have you done so far to help her "move forward"? Maybe people can suggest conversations you haven't tried.

You're reacting as if she's an abusive adult but she's not - she's just a teenager who's feeling sad and stroppy. She's not treating you like a criminal she's just treating you like a parent who's done something she's unhappy about.

Begging her is not appropriate. She doesn't have to be "OK with you". She can be angry and upset and sulky and not want to spend much time with you for a while. That's normal. The fact that the cat has gone to a good home is cold comfort to her - he's not in her home any more. But you all have to live together. You can be sympathetic to her feelings - of course she is sad and cross about losing the family pet! - and give her space to sulk but still insist that she is minimally polite to you with the usual consequences for rudeness or shouting.

Not all cats are minimal effort. My last two were a fuck of a lot of hassle especially because (like you) I had to keep them indoors. And one of them would occasionally crap on the sofa. That was bad. I kept them but it got me down at times! I am happily catfree at the moment... but looking forward to a time when circumstances are better and I can keep cats with much less trouble.

Anyway, your DD's behaviour might be triggering such an extreme response in you because of what happened with your ex. You need to get past that and stay cool and cheery if you can, otherwise it will harm you and her.

The way some posters are commenting is basically making out that a child should be allowed to disrespect a parent for making a decision and carrying on doing it.
Like I said I know she's sad and upset and I feel sorry and upset myself that she's hurt over me rehoming a cat. How does that make me a narc for being upset that my child is upset with me for a decision I made when I don't want her to be hurt
That doesn't male me a narc

Does she understand why the cat was rehomed?
Was it discussed beforehand?

Actually I hesistated to use the word narcissistic in my response, but I did think it when I read your OP. This is classic narc behaviour, to be frank. Do something that hurts someone else, then be angry with them for being upset because it shines a light on your own behaviour. Expecting them to moderate their emotional response to a trauma that you caused, so that you don't need to feel bad about what you did.

You may not be a narcissist, but this is a narcissistic act.

I wouldn’t have forgiven my mother at that age if she’d rehomed a family pet, especially a cat for those reasons as cats are pretty much self-sufficient.