Is this silent treatment from my 13 year old abusive?

[purpleRainfalling]

So background story. We had a cat for about a year. It was my 17 year olds cat she got from a friend. It got too overwhelming me taking care of a pet when no one was helping and I have young children to take care of and I under estimated the responsibility when i agreed to the 17 year old that she can bring the cat home and everyone else was out of the house all day and i was left with the cat and as I have to try to find a job now that my daughter is starting 15 hours nursery I won't have time for the cat.

So I discussed with the 17 year old about rehoming and she understood. The other children were sad but adapted BUT the 13 year old is milking it. She is giving me silent treatment won't communicate with me and gives me massive attitude when she HAS to communicate with me

I feel very triggered as this is what her dad was like with me and she's the only one of my children who's in contact with her dad.

AiBU to feel like she's abusing me and using the cat rehoming as an excuse? There were times she didn't even want the cat in her room.

I've begged her to 'be OK with me'and it reminded me of when I used to beg her dad to be ok with me when he gave me the silent treatment

I'm so very anxious and sad

Never beg your child to like you. Never.

13 is young. 13 is a child. Op has a young child.

And what punishment is put in place for the way your child speaks to you?

If my 13 year old gives me attitude and shouts at me, then that would not be acceptable and there would be consequences e.g. no phone.

Oh for goodness sake people....why does anyone put adult intentions on a child! She's 13 FGS! She doesn't know how to tell you how upset she is. I'm guessing she hasn't had much effective role models to learn from. She is an emotionally immature child, which is normal, and she needs adults to teach her how to handle big upsets. If that's not you, maybe she can speak to a teacher or an aunt? And maybe it's an opportunity for you to improve your own emotionally literacy.

She’s a stroppy young teen. Ignore her ignoring you. When she’s not getting attention, she’ll soon stop.🙂

Do the people that you've given the cat to know that he's weeing everywhere? If he had a cat tray this isn't usual and l hope you took him to the vet in case of a urine infection. Your daughter sounds like a typical stroppy teen, but she was upset to lose the cat and is showing how she feels by not speaking to you. She is certainly not abusive! She will come around eventually but she might not forgive you.

You sound as though you want to be the child in this situation.

Oh do give over with the therapy speak. Abusive. Triggered. She's a 13 yo and you gave away the family cat. Get over yourself.

Just ignore the fact she's sulking and get on with things normally. Otherwise you are just feeding the sulk.
Bit bonkers to get rid of a cat on account of the effort involved though. The whole point of having a cat is that they require minimal effort.

Very much this!!

It does seem these days that whenever someone does something that someone else doesn’t like… abuse is taking place 😂😂😂😂
Its utter bollocks 🥱

This I think it's mean you gave the cat away, they really don't require much in the way of care.

Some unhelpful comments here. You have a right as an adult boy to want to look after a cat. We've all been there with kids saying they will look after a pet then they don't. So up to you. Your reaction to her silent treatment though shows you need therapy. You have been abused by your ex and you absolutely must deal with that so you can effectively deal with your daughter. There are some helpful comments on here about how to do that, but please please get some help processing your ex relationship. Good luck.

Why on earth are you begging to a 13 year old who needs a strong adult around? Just ignore her nonsense ... she's playing games with you and you are letting her

Just to make it clear I've never told my daughter she's acting like her dad
And i wouldn't
Someone suggesting I'm a narc. No I am not at all. I've been through a lot and if I was a narc I wouldn't care about my child not speaking to me would I.
I get she's angry and sad yes
Do i think it's ok that she's refusing to talk and move on.. yes I do think that's wrong

Yes you really do have a victim mentality. It's clear to see from your posts. Of course she's understandably upset you gave away her cat.

You can't really put her behaviour in the same ballpark as your ex who is an adult. It's unfortunate that her behaviour has triggered you, but that's not her fault and being the adult, you should try an override the temptation to respond in the same way by begging. It's not going to work anyway and probably didn't with your ex either. That your default in either case is to beg probably has more to do with your childhood events than your ex.
Cats are easy to look after if your circumstances allow, the problem was moving to a main road so not being able to confidently let them out . That would be why the dirty protests, that doesn't usually happen, cats don't usually have an issue with house training.However, given the circumstances, you chose right to rehome.
Have you explained to her that it wasn't fair on the cat as you couldn't let them out? Tell her the cat will be much happier where she is now. I think if you have dressed it up as the cat being a lot of bother for you, that could be why she's holding it against you, when really, you did the best for their welfare.
Apart from that, dig in and wait, and if things come up that she wants to do, she will have to talk to you or miss out. She won't hold out forever.

Heavens, you've had an easy ride here, op. I think you’ve behaved dreadfully and now you’re accusing a child of being “abusive” for being upset about it. Get your head out of your arse.

13 year olds often behave dreadfully. I disagree that it's abuse ..I think that's quite a damaging label in these circumstances. It's giving more power to the teens behaviour than is justified and places you in the role as victim . If you behave as if these are now your roles...abuser and victim then I fear it may become the norm.

Right, just seen that you also allowed your 17 year old to guilt trip you into buying the cat in the first place. I'm afraid you sound very self pitying OP and that you're no more mature than your teenage children.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself, stand your ground and model calm, adult behaviour. Your children need you to be their parent and they need you to behave in a way that engenders their respect.

No your sulking teenager isn't abusing you.

Stop begging her, and stop comparing her to her dad. She's a teenager. You've got rid of a pet she loved. She's sulking and upset and a teenager.

I'm not suggesting you are a narc but yes if you were it would probably bother you a lot that your dd isn't speaking to you because it challenges your need for validation.

You can't force someone to move on. Tell her you live her and are there if she changes her mind and wants to talk then enjoy the silence but keep doing everything you normally do to reassure her that you still love her. So keep cooking for her, telling her she looks nice, getting her a Friday treat, whatever you normally do on a day to day basis and just let her ride it out.

Did you take the cat to the vet to rule out a physical cause for the behaviour?

I'm also puzzled at a cat taking too much time.

I have two cats and a dog. I adore the bones of them but you’re quite right, OP. All pets require and deserve the emotional and financial investment of care. It’s work! It’s no walk in the park. And it sounds like rehoming will benefit the cat long run.

As for your not abusive but very sad DD who doesn’t have developed coping skills to help her face her legitimate anger and grief, try and remember that she’s lost her pet. It doesn’t matter if she wasn’t super snuggly and demonstrative. She loved her pet in her way. Don’t doubt her love to benefit your narrative. Sorry to be blunt. Love is love. Pets are supportive companions for many of us. You’ve made a hurtful decision which also happens to be the right one. Sit with both of those truths and accept it. You’re kinda demonising your DD to appease your guilt. Just a little bit.
Instead, own your incredibly difficult decision. Acknowledge that it hurts others. Remember that you’ve made the right decision with the best of intentions. Trust that time will heal.
Have the talk with your daughter that SHE needs. And withdraw a bit. Give her space and time to be angry and learn to accept her loss. This isn’t about you. It’s about the decision you had to make and how it’s landed for your daughter who has yet to find her way to maturity. Slow and steady. Just give her time and space and love (from a distance if you must). And stop beating yourself up too. The decision had to be made. You’ll all move on. 💐

You are a classic case of victim abuser. "Self-centred abusers who frequently feel sorry for themselves. Even if they cause the problems in their relationships (which is usually the case) they don't see this reality and they feel victimised even though they cause the problems."
The very fact you jumped to the conclusion that a sulking teenager is "abusing" you speaks volumes OP. Your teenager is obviously upset and can't talk to you, but you are making this all about you.
You should never have agreed to the cat in the first place but some how your 17 year old "guilt tripped" you. Get a grip and parent properly, you sound very immature.