Is this silent treatment from my 13 year old abusive?

[purpleRainfalling]

So background story. We had a cat for about a year. It was my 17 year olds cat she got from a friend. It got too overwhelming me taking care of a pet when no one was helping and I have young children to take care of and I under estimated the responsibility when i agreed to the 17 year old that she can bring the cat home and everyone else was out of the house all day and i was left with the cat and as I have to try to find a job now that my daughter is starting 15 hours nursery I won't have time for the cat.

So I discussed with the 17 year old about rehoming and she understood. The other children were sad but adapted BUT the 13 year old is milking it. She is giving me silent treatment won't communicate with me and gives me massive attitude when she HAS to communicate with me

I feel very triggered as this is what her dad was like with me and she's the only one of my children who's in contact with her dad.

AiBU to feel like she's abusing me and using the cat rehoming as an excuse? There were times she didn't even want the cat in her room.

I've begged her to 'be OK with me'and it reminded me of when I used to beg her dad to be ok with me when he gave me the silent treatment

I'm so very anxious and sad

I hope you told the people you gave the cat to about the behavioural issues.

Although I suspect you didn’t as they would not have been willing to take that on.

What will happen when they learn about the weeding and pooing is they’ll surrender the cat to a shelter where it might have a short succession of owners before being euthanised.

I don’t blame your daughter.

How can you have no time to care for a cat? All they need is food and water morning and night and a safe place to live. Also visits to the vet are once a year, unless the cat is unwell (rare if an indoor cat). In a house with children there would be plenty of people to play with the cat and give it attention too. I think your daughter doesn’t buy your excuse for getting rid of the family cat.

I work full time in a pretty demanding job and am sole parent to my daughter. Taking care of multiple cats is not a problem for us and I can’t see how someone couldn’t look after a cat - they are fairly self sufficient. In the evenings they will come and sit on our laps and sleep at the end of the bed. Occasionally they will want a treat, or a scratch or cuddle in the day if I’m working from home. It’s not like having a dog who needs a lot of exercise or can’t be left alone while you go into the office.

It sounds like your cat is in a better home now so I’m happy for it. Honestly, who gets a pet and gives it away? A pet is for life and should be considered part of the family. I don’t blame your daughter for being hurt and angry.

“Constant fleaing and worming”? You can get one shot at the vet that covers a year.

Leave your windows partially open, so the cats can’t get out. It’s simple. You still get fresh air.

Put a bin bag around the entire litter tray, put the litter in and then each day (or as needed) empty the entire lot into a large bin bag along with the kitchen and bathroom bins and take it all outside to the outside bins. It takes 5 minutes!

If there are behavioural issues, take the cat to the vet. It should be neutered. If it’s not using the litter trays, make sure they are clean.

It sounds like you just didn’t want a cat and you have got rid of it and these are all excuses.

I still can’t believe you got rid of a family pet and want sympathy because your daughter is sulking at you.

I’ve owned several. They don’t require a level of care that interferes with holding down a job and raising a family.

Issues with pets often arise out of neglectful ownership. Not managing working and fleas means you have a problem in your household with worms and fleas. Not keeping litter trays clean means they don’t use them. Can you blame a cat for that?

There are methods for dealing with cat behavioural issues. It just takes a little effort. This poster clearly wasn’t willing to make any effort.

The drama! Just clean it up and get on with it. It sounds like you have too little to do, not too much. Frankly, you sound lazy and self pitying.

Well said.

Nothing to do with the whether you were right to wrong to give away the cat. It was probably the right decision given the circumstances.

Your daughter is a 13 year old who does not know how to control strong emotions. The teenage years are a difficult time because you, as a parent, need to aid the teen into understanding how to regulate feelings, whilst dealing with your own emotional reaction to their behaviour.

You are swinging from begging her to accusing her of being an abuser. That's two extreme emotions.

Remember she is a child who grew up with a father who abused her mother. That affects children and add another complicated layer to the diffculty of teenage years. She is also still being used by her father as a pawn in that abuse (isolated usage too seeing you said she's the only on her father chose to keep seeing). She's also living in a house where her mother has gone on to create a new family - extra difficult if things are done that make her feel you don't like her - and like her the least of all those in the house. (You gave the cat away she loved (though could have been anything really). You are angry she sees her father. You are annoyed with her for not cleaning up after the cat but not the 17 year old who brought the animal I to the house?)

But you do need to remember that you too have emotions you need help with. You've been in an abusive relationship, no one is unscathed by that. Your relationship with your 13 is complicated by the fact she, alone, still sees her father.

You need to figure out how to deal with your emotions towards her before you can deal with her emotions.

@VickyPollard25

lol! Lazy because she doesn’t wanna be cleaning cat shit out of the bath?! Yeah right, Hun.

we get one life, we need to live it, not play the martyr.

It takes less time to clean up the mess than to go online and complain about it.

@VickyPollard25

well, she’ll not have to do either now she no longer has the cat will she. Problem solved.

You have a victim mindset which is understandable if your ex is how you say he is, but you're also an adult and a mother - stop blaming the 17 year old for "guilt tripping" you and stop blaming the 13 year old for being upset about an upsetting situation and let her grieve in her own way.

She's not a young child, she's 13.

The fact that a 13 year old and a 17 year old they couldn’t look after a cat between themselves is surprising. I wouldn’t expect to have much involvement as an adult in day-to-day care. I understand the cat was the 17 year olds but the 13 year old must have been fond of it to be upset so I would expect they would have helped with care also.

I think you’re 13 year old is sulking - that’s not abusive. The word ‘abuse’ is being thrown around too much.

And this, absolutely.
I flea our house pets in the time it takes to boil the kettle once a month. I have managed not to quit working.

I can pretty much guarantee the shitting antics would have been solved with a fresh new litter tray and a new kind of litter. Cats can quickly go off using the tray if it’s left disgusting (again, cleaning out the tray literally takes less than a minute).

As above, I understand the 13 year old is upset but it’s very dramatic and a little pathetic that between all of you you were unable to keep up with the demands of a single cat.

If you own a pet you have a responsibility to care for it. With pet ownership comes bodily fluids. If you think life is too short for dealing with that then you shouldn’t get a pet. It’s that simple, and yet so many people are confused by this.

When my cat was a kitten he had bouts of diarrhoea, do you think I enjoyed cleaning that up? Of course not. But I got on with it because I love him and because he is my responsibility. He’s not a commodity or a toy, he’s a living being with all the bodily functions that come with that.

For all the energy the OP has expended on making a massive drama out of this and making it all about herself, she could have educated herself on why a cat might be behaving this way and dealt with it. Instead it’s all woe is me, treating the cat like some sort of annoying defective toy to be discarded. The poor cat had already been through one move, so now it’s been through three in a short space of time. No wonder it’s shitting on the floor, its nerves are undoubtably shot to pieces. People need to take some fucking responsibility for their choices.

Op all of your posts are really histrionic and it sounds like you’ve created an unhealthy dynamic at home where you believe you are the victim and are putting adult intentions onto your children. It’s also clear it’s a problem for you that your DD sees her father and rather than accepting that in fact it’s normal for children to love their parents- even bad ones, you see this as evidence she’s going to be like him.

You really need to access therapy for yourself and perhaps family therapy too. You are adamant you’re not abusive but parents can quite unintentionally fuck up their children in spite of their best intentions and I’d say if you’re begging a 13 year old to be ok with you while internally harbouring suspicions she’s an abuser like her dad, you’re well on the way to doing that.

No she shouldn't have accepted the cat. She's the adult. It's obvious the cat is yours as the adult. What was the 17 year old going to do? Take it to uni or take it into rented accommodation? Obviously not. She's the adult and should have only taken on a pet if willing to care for that pet.

OP what strikes me most from your post is you have said you have ‘begged’ your daughter to treat you nicely. You’re the adult, the parent, why would you need to do that? Ultimately that might be the problem. The cat issue is a red herring I think. Are your DDs siblings all respectful to you? The 17 year old sounds like she listens to you going by your OP. It may well be the common early teens monster stage that your DD is going through, but she may not grow out of it if you can’t command her respect at least. I think if you were to write a post that seeks advice especially for that you would get more tailored responses instead of people talking about the morality of cat rehoming. Shouting and slamming doors is fairly standard for stroppy teens having a moment and silly to call abuse but if she’s getting physical or anything else sinister it’s not silly at all and I can only imagine how you feel and you probably need specialist advice.

Exactly this. A cat takes up so little time that it makes your excuse for getting rid if it ridiculous. I suspect you just didn’t want it. Which makes you irresponsible for agreeing to get it in the first place.
If my parents had rehomed a pet of mine as a child I may still not be speaking to them now (I only semi jest). But in seriousness, I’m not sure some people fully understand the attachment people can have to pets.
And as for suggesting that this behaviour from a 13 year old, whose pet you gave away, is abusive towards you is actually insulting to anyone who has suffered real abuse of any kind.

This.

She can be upset but needs to know she can’t disrespect you. You need to make your boundaries for respect very clear. I wouldn’t be granting her what she’s asking for if she’s being rude.

It ok- your daughter is sad that the cat was rehomed. Teenagers generally do have an attitude and become sulky. Explain calmly your reasons for re homing the cat and your expectations re behaviour then step back. Don’t compare your daughter to your other children. Let it be. Do not project your issues with your ex on the child. Are you upset that she is speaking to her dad? If there are wider issues regarding your relationship with your daughter, I would recommend family therapy.

cats definitely DO need care. they need regular feeding, they need their litter changed regularly, they need worming and flea treatments, and if they're even a tiny bit like ours, want to have attention pretty much all the time. he gets up with whoever gets up first, and goes to bed with whoever goes to bed last, and sleeps on our bed all night. usually on my chest, purring his little heart out.
just because you CAN turf them loose to poop in neighbours gardens and find their own food to supplement a bowl of dry biscuits doesn't mean that's enough for the cat.

You have explained your decision. Her silent treatment and sulking I'd now just ignore; act normal and dont show interest. . But when it turns into nearly slamming doors into your head tell her firmly thatvis totally unacceptable and you will not tolerate it. If she argues repeat yourself. Tell her you will discuss and listen to her viewpoint if and when she behaves properly and speaks calmly. If appropriate use sanctions that she will recognise as consequences and be prepared for more silent treatment and tantrums. So do as above again!!

Omg rude yes, but abusive!!! That’s an insult to people who really are abused! Get a grip, she’s a child who’s upset about a pet. Tbh how much looking after does a cat need! It’s not like a puppy that needs walking and constant attention, I think the mother has been unfair to her children, getting a pet and then getting rid of it. It works both ways, I’d be pretty fed up with her. She needs to grow up and give her child time to get over the loss of the cat and leave her alone !

She’s a teenager who is sad to have had her pet given away! That is not abusive.

DH and I both work full time and have 4 cats. They sleep all day and look after themselves beyond feeding and flea/worm treatments. You ABU to get a cat if you aren’t going to litter train it and look after it properly and to not understand your child is grieving the loss of a pet she loved. A 13 year old feeling sad and angry at the person who caused their issue is not abusive. It sounds as if you put yourself before your children and their needs which is incredibly unreasonable.

You could maybe try to be understanding and talk to her about her very reasonable sadness. Explain your reasons for giving the cat away and say that you’re sorry it’s hurt and upset her. That might be a good place to start.