Is this silent treatment from my 13 year old abusive?

[purpleRainfalling]

So background story. We had a cat for about a year. It was my 17 year olds cat she got from a friend. It got too overwhelming me taking care of a pet when no one was helping and I have young children to take care of and I under estimated the responsibility when i agreed to the 17 year old that she can bring the cat home and everyone else was out of the house all day and i was left with the cat and as I have to try to find a job now that my daughter is starting 15 hours nursery I won't have time for the cat.

So I discussed with the 17 year old about rehoming and she understood. The other children were sad but adapted BUT the 13 year old is milking it. She is giving me silent treatment won't communicate with me and gives me massive attitude when she HAS to communicate with me

I feel very triggered as this is what her dad was like with me and she's the only one of my children who's in contact with her dad.

AiBU to feel like she's abusing me and using the cat rehoming as an excuse? There were times she didn't even want the cat in her room.

I've begged her to 'be OK with me'and it reminded me of when I used to beg her dad to be ok with me when he gave me the silent treatment

I'm so very anxious and sad

You do realise your daughter is a child??? She’s not abusing you FFS! I can’t really believe what I’ve read.

Your teenager sounds like an immature little child. Sorry but yeah giving a cat away may be upsetting but no one gets to carry on sulking for a fucking week! She's 13 not 3. Not her decision to make

She's got learned behavior from her Dad

STOP BEGGING HER to talk to you. This quite literally gives her more power and yes it is an immature power game.

13 year olds can be abusive. Treating someone like shit doesnt automatically become ok if you are under 16 years old

Being under 16 has never absolved anyone of wrongdoing.

Really? I'd feel very betrayed if my parent gave away my cat and wouldn't feel like communicating with them either.

Your 13 yr old is allowed to express upset, and I would hazard a guess that the silent treatment is due to the fact you are incapable of proper parent-child interaction (as your posts demonstrate) - that poor cat is simply the tipping point.

Your child is not abusive - you are simply dealing with the fall-out of the effect your behaviour and attitude is having on your child. Rather than trying to justify your actions by the long list of wrongs that other people (and a cat) have committed against you, seek help to support yourself toward healthier behaviour and relationships with those around you.

Give it sixty years or so and you might have a chance.

Looking on the bright side, she's not blaming the toddler for your decision.

You are the adult here. You are responsible for your household. You let the cat in to your home. You decided not to keep it. You are entitled to make those decisions. Own them. The 17 year old didn't make you get the cat. The 13 year old isn't abusing you. Grow a spine and take responsibility.

Did you not read about the problems the cat had? It deed need frequent attention.

my sister did this ti my mum sometimes for up to a week but with no explanation as to why. My mum and sister were super close until she hit teenage hormones and overnight become a moody teen. I also have a friend who had to replace his teenager daughter’s door as she’d broken it from slamming it and also did the silent thing. I’m just trying to say this is pretty common teen behaviour. Not sure what if anything you can do but I wouldn’t agonise over it being your ex influence or whether you did wrong with the cat

OP, she a stroppy 13yo and sounds fairly normal to me.

You are the adult here and need to parent her, I'd tell her how things are going to be, make it clear that it is so you can work which will benefit the whole family including her, and then move on.

If she sulks, ignore her. If she shouts at you, tell her not to be so rude. Apply appropriate consequences but rise above her resentment. She'll get over it.

Yes but in this situation her daughter isn’t being abusive. She is just sulking like a teenager does. She is obviously upset about the cat and is struggling to forgive her mum, she is not being abusive.

Just a different perspective; my DH was a sulker when we first met and he’d give me the silent treatment - it was awful. Really, utterly awful. He doesn’t do it anymore as we basically worked through it together. It came from his childhood where he was made to go to his room and not talk about his feelings whenever he’d have any (another reason why I’m against this and ‘naughty steps’ as ‘punishment’).

Please, for the sake of your child’s future partner or friends, get a grip on this and work through it with them. Talk to them about how silent treatment is unacceptable. Don't beg them to talk to you as it gives them power and don’t give in either. When they’re ready to talk to you, have a conversation and explain why silent treatment is unacceptable and that it won’t make you change your mind on decisions you’ve made. Help them find ways to communicate their feelings and work through their issues with another human being - in this case, you. Let them have an outlet for their feelings, let them have the chance to get their point across whilst you listen and then you give yours. You can be firm without shutting them down and letting them ignore you.

Please don’t less them be this person as an adult.

Abusive is tricky.

Many three year olds have tantrums. They shout, scream, cry, hit.
Are they abusing their parents?

We don't normally say they are. Because most children have tantrums. It's a normal developmental stage. Parents have the power, not the three year old.

Again, many teens have arguments with their parents. They shout and scream but mostly don't hit. It's generally accepted that having rows with teenagers is within normal development and so most parents wouldn't say their teen is abusing them (this is obviously different if there is violence etc).

You gave away the family cat. She's upset and not talking to you. She is not being abusive. You are massively overreacting to her sadness and upset.

Op, I wonder if you could benefit from some therapy. There are quite a lot of issues here.
There's a sense of emotional immaturity - both in relation to the cat, and in relation to your daughter.

To address the cat first, it's not great to adopt a pet that you don't want. You either want to commit to it or you don't adopt it. There's no sense in saying 'well I never wanted it anyway' afterwards, that's a bit naff, you're an adult.

I adopted a nervous cat that had accidents outside the litter tray and I got quite upset about it, so I understand, but we got medical causes ruled out and looked at the behavioural causes - stress, anxiety, not enough litter boxes. It took a few months but with increasing litter boxes and time, she settled and it doesn't happen anymore.

A previously-outdoor cat can become a happy indoor cat with a catio, with enrichment in terms of toys, a cat wall, etc. I think this may fall on deaf ears as you never wanted it anyway right, but there are so many options. Jackson Galaxy is your friend here.

And just from a moral perspective, the idea of adopting a cat and then having it rehomed because you never really wanted it anyway is pretty poor. Shelters around here are at capacity and there are increasing numbers of strays. To add to the number of cats needing a loving home, instead of step up and work out how to make your cat feel content, is sad. A content cat is not a lot of work at all. Trust me. I have eight.

To address your relationship with your daughter and your fear that she is portraying behaviour from her dad, I think to even have that thought process must be so damaging and worrying for both of you. It's not fair on either of you. For various reasons, I understand the worry, but I really think therapy can help with this. The last thing you need is to harbour this sort of concern and potentially pass it on to your daughter, to leave her feeling as though there's an inevitability to her character development, that she'll end up 'just like dad'. Please look at getting someone to talk to. You need to be her safe space, you need to be able to discipline her when appropriate, without her behaviour coming at you through a filter of worry/panic. She's your daughter, she's yours, you can't love and cherish her and discipline and help her, if you're looking at her with any kind of fear.

You have done the right thing op.
Tough decision to re-home the cat but I have read your update and I think you did what's best for the cat and your family.
You need to know that. You did the right thing.
Next step is a conversation with DD where you explain all the reasons with concrete certainty.
You also need to listen to her and encourage her to explain her feelings, is she angry at you or upset about the cat?
Then you should talk about her behaviour to you and what is and isn't acceptable. Being angry at you is fine, but disrespectful and silent for a week, not ok.

She's not abusive, she's thirteen and angry.

You haven't even given the cat a chance by letting it out, or cat-proofing your property, or building a catio - you just got rid. If my parents had done that, I'd be bloody angry too.

This!

FGS, OP! Be her parent and do not act like a rejected friend. You are the adult here. You model the appropriate behaviour, set the boundaries and enforce them calmly and consistently.

You are creating so much instability for your teenage daughter who, from the sound of it, needs structure more than anyone else in your house.

I am also wondering just how much care you think a 17 year old cat needs? It's not a dog that needs walking and training. I have an elderly cat myself. She really only wants to sit near me and occasionally get a few cuddles. For the rest, she sleeps most of the day. All I do is feed her and scoop the litterbox once a day. It takes less than an hour a day and the kids can join in too. Things like brushing the cat and cleaning the litterbox can be done on the weekend when the kids are at home.

Edit: I read you update. You did the right thing with rehoming. Your house might have simply not been the right situation for an elderly cat.

I would have been absolutely devastated if my mum had given away a family cat, and probably wouldn't have wanted to speak to her either. She's not being abusive, she's showing you how upset she is. She is entitled to feel that way. Particularly as it is a cat, they are not very hard to look after and you can still go to work and not worry about them. I expect your daughter loved the cat very much, even if it belonged to her sibling.

Just parent your teenager. She's a kid, you are the parent, your emotional wellbeing isn't her responsibility.

As pp have said, tell her what the rules are and impose consequences if she doesn't follow them. E.g. shouting is unacceptable and basic courtesy is required, but she is free to feel annoyed.

And combine that with trying to be sympathetic about how she feels about the cat. It's not unreasonable that she's upset, even though your decision to rehome the cat was also not unreasonable.

And otherwise try to stop letting it get to you or at least don't let her see that it does!

Op you have a victim mentality (narc?) that's clouding your judgement I think.

Did you take the cat to get checked out? Sounds very unhealthy if it needed constant flea treatment, de worming and litter changed. And why not let it out?

She is probably sad about losing the cat. Sulking is common in teenagers who aren’t always able to articulate how they are feeling.
Id suggest acknowledging her feelings but pointing out how happy the cat seems now.

It's not my fault I got a cat I couldn't handle and then got rid of it. My dd manipulated me into it.

It's not my fault my teen isn't talking to me, she is being abusive.

You need to work on owning your own decisions and being a firm parent to your kids. Framing yourself as the hapless victim although it may make you feel better isn't actually going to solve anything. Woman up and take control of parenting.

I think you'd all benefit from some family therapy and you should get so.e individual anxiety to deal with your anxiety.

YABU and she's 13, this is what they are like. Don't ever compare her to her dad if she was abusive. It's not her fault he was abusive and she didn't choose to be born to an abusive parent. You did a shitty thing getting rid of the cat and she's angry, you just need to have patience and deal with it like a parent rather than trying to be a victim.

Stop acting like the victim in this scenario and grow up.

She’s a 13yo girl, parent her.