Is this silent treatment from my 13 year old abusive?

[purpleRainfalling]

So background story. We had a cat for about a year. It was my 17 year olds cat she got from a friend. It got too overwhelming me taking care of a pet when no one was helping and I have young children to take care of and I under estimated the responsibility when i agreed to the 17 year old that she can bring the cat home and everyone else was out of the house all day and i was left with the cat and as I have to try to find a job now that my daughter is starting 15 hours nursery I won't have time for the cat.

So I discussed with the 17 year old about rehoming and she understood. The other children were sad but adapted BUT the 13 year old is milking it. She is giving me silent treatment won't communicate with me and gives me massive attitude when she HAS to communicate with me

I feel very triggered as this is what her dad was like with me and she's the only one of my children who's in contact with her dad.

AiBU to feel like she's abusing me and using the cat rehoming as an excuse? There were times she didn't even want the cat in her room.

I've begged her to 'be OK with me'and it reminded me of when I used to beg her dad to be ok with me when he gave me the silent treatment

I'm so very anxious and sad

Well I have to say I wouldn't think very highly of someone who gives up a pet

Cats are hardly time consuming

From a 13 year old I wouldn't class as it abuse. She is still learning how to effectively deal with social conflicts. I do think however that at 13 she definitely does need to learn that giving someone the silent treatment is not an acceptable way to deal with a conflict. And you can tell her that if an adult did this it would be classed as abusive.

Don't beg but do explain to her why it's not acceptable. Maybe do the old acknowledging her feelings (missing cat, etc) and brain storming with her how to find a solution.

How much trouble is a cat?
You are the one who has behaved badly,
Poor kid.

You sound like a victim OP.

You made a decision, now act like an adult and own it. Your dd will come round when she feels like it. It's OK for her to be upset.

I think the real issue here is that you are projecting your feelings about your ex onto your child. You need to process those feelings first -your child is not your ex.

Sulking for 24 hours I ignore; beyond that is a consequence but to be honest normally the ignoring it and talking to them as if they’re talking to you works.
I don’t know why you gave your cat away so likely your child is struggling too

I wish my cat just needed food and water plonking down in front of him

Yes I can leave him all day, I've even left him over night but he does need attention, worming, flea treatment, boosters. He's a bit past hunting now but there is dealing with the 'presents' cat sick and fur balls

Edit
I cross posted with your update.

Yes that does make a big difference. The cat has more intensive needs that you couldn't meet.

Give her some time and don't plead with her. Let her have her feelings.

She's 13, upset and sulking. She's got absolutely no power or control and had to watch helplessly as her mum rehomed a cat, saying it's a time issue when she probably knows full well that cats are not like dogs and don't actually require walking and are happy to be left at home all day. So she's probably angry and confused about why you lied about the reason for rehoming the cat.

She’s not abusing you. She’s being a stroppy teenager. Parent her, make it clear that whilst you understand her upset, her behaviour is not acceptable. Do it without using histrionic language that awards her more power than she in reality has.

Your young child, who is upset the family pet has been rehomed for whatever reason, is not abusing you, no.

Did you talk to her about the cat rehoming before it happened?
Did she understand? rehoming a pet is a big thing let's face it

So get a not old indoor cat and maybe she'll forgive you. Also better to get a female as their ranges are naturally smaller and they often don't crave running around outside as much, especially if they're lazy/more interested in food and sleeping.

Was the cat neutered? What was its history?

You aren’t being ‘punished’ OP.

Shes sad and expressing that she’s sad.

You need to think about this through a lens of her feelings, not your own.

Pets aren't machines. They are often messy, smelly and inconvenient. My dog is 15 now and frequently pisses and shits on the kitchen floor, even though he can go outside. It's my job to deal with it, I wouldn't dream of giving him away.

I would have been devastated if my parents had rehomed one of my pets when I was 13, poor girl!
How much trouble is a cat during the day anyway? They mostly just sleep

You’re looking at this from the wrong way around.

She lost her dad and then another family member (albeit one that she maybe didn’t bother with too much) is also leaving. It’s yet more upheaval for her and she’s a teen, drama is second nature, she is still figuring out the world. Hurt people: hurt people.

Her behaviour is shitty, but it’s not without reason. Try and meet her halfway and don’t compare the behaviour of a child with that of a grown man, it’s unfair and also gross. Be clear with her, set out your boundaries and tell her when her behaviour is unacceptable, inappropriate or disproportionate. Don’t beg her.

Updating following the cat drip feed - probably better that the cat is somewhere its needs can be better taken care of. Does your daughter want a pet? Maybe something more manageable? Could you have a conversation about that, and about responsibility? It just feels you are putting a lot of judgement on a kid.

I wonder if your irritation with your dd got muddled with your irritation with the cat.

Perhaps the cat was stressed if it was weeing all over the show, I’m shocked anyone wanted a 17 yr old cat with a peeing issue ti be honest but there we are.

Your child is sulking- leave her to it, she will come around when she wants something.

What on earth did you expect would happen when you gave away the family pet??? A cat takes absolutely no looking after apart from feeding once a day and cleaning out the litter box. If id have done that my DD would probably have hated me for years!

I assume you took the cat to the vet where it was weeing everywhere?

She may not be dealing with it in the best way but she is unhappy and 13. She may not forgive you for it. I probably wouldn't have at that age.

However you do need therapy for your past or you do risk projecting your ex onto her.

She’s sad and sulking - that’s normal behaviour for a 13 year old and I think suggesting it’s abuse is extremely overreacting, it’s part and parcel of being a parent I’m afraid.

Yes at 13 her brain hasn’t developed and she’s not got the maturity to be abusive. It’s like me saying that my 2 yr old is abusive because he woke me up twice last night and refused to eat his lunch and then demanded a snack 5 minutes later. It’s not abuse it’s the behaviour of a 2 yr old.

I really think you’re letting your experiences with your ex ruin your relationship with your very normal sounding daughter, and I’d get some help dealing with it personally.

YABU. It’s not abuse. She’s deeply upset and this is the only way she can be heard. Presumably she did not want the cat rehomed and said so.