Is this silent treatment from my 13 year old abusive?

[purpleRainfalling]

So background story. We had a cat for about a year. It was my 17 year olds cat she got from a friend. It got too overwhelming me taking care of a pet when no one was helping and I have young children to take care of and I under estimated the responsibility when i agreed to the 17 year old that she can bring the cat home and everyone else was out of the house all day and i was left with the cat and as I have to try to find a job now that my daughter is starting 15 hours nursery I won't have time for the cat.

So I discussed with the 17 year old about rehoming and she understood. The other children were sad but adapted BUT the 13 year old is milking it. She is giving me silent treatment won't communicate with me and gives me massive attitude when she HAS to communicate with me

I feel very triggered as this is what her dad was like with me and she's the only one of my children who's in contact with her dad.

AiBU to feel like she's abusing me and using the cat rehoming as an excuse? There were times she didn't even want the cat in her room.

I've begged her to 'be OK with me'and it reminded me of when I used to beg her dad to be ok with me when he gave me the silent treatment

I'm so very anxious and sad

Your child has seen her father abuse her mother, her father leave, you've recently moved house, and you have children ranging from 17 to nursery age, and you gave the cat away. that's a lot of upheaval for a 13 year old. You need therapy for projecting your issued with her dad on to her.

I say 'abusing me'as she's frequently shouting at me amd giving me attitude and silent treatment

Thats what teenagers tend to do though.

you'd have been better off rehoming the 13 year old.

Gosh I think you are being very unreasonable here.

firstly- Of course your dd is angry with you; you told her she could have a pet, then forced her to give it up after she was already attached to it - that’s devastating! A pet is like a member of the family. If my parents took my pet away I’d find that very hard to forgive.

Secondly, your dd is expressing her very valid feelings- she is not “abusing” you. She’s a child. You are the one with the power here. It’s really really terrible to compare your dd to her dad and take out your resentment at him on her. She will pick up on your feelings/ comparisons and it will ruin your relationship. My mum was like that to my sister a bit, as my sister reminded her of my dad, she would project her feelings about him onto her . My sister no longer speaks to my mum because of it. Your DD can’t help who her dad is and she is not responsible for his behaviour.

If you think that behavior constitutes abuse, you’re not ready to raise teens. You know what would be abusive, though? Making your feelings regarding your ex into your child’s responsibility.

You gave away her pet. That’s why she’s angry. I suppose you can just fit I’d her from being angry and invalidate her feelings because they remind you of a former partner. But then we’ll be reading your post in ten years about how your adult daughter has inexplicably gone no-contact, despite your being a perfect parent.

This!!
Just ignore her behaviour, I wouldn’t be begging her for anything… when you’re ignoring the behaviour and she’s not getting any gratification from it she’ll get bored.

I wouldn’t have kept the cat either. I would’ve spoken to the kids about it first though? Assuming maybe you did?.. what was your 13 year olds stance prior to rehoming the stinky cat?

OP still hasn't discussed that point

Cats really don't take to much looking after so I find it odd you thought you had to be in all day taking care of it. I understand your DD being upset. Kids become attached to pets quite quickly. Don't beg her to talk to you. Let her get on with it. She'll need to speak to you before you have to speak with her so let her have her huff & it'll gradually pass. I understand it may be triggering for you if that's what your ex did, but she's a child. Don't give her the control over your relationship with her like he did. If she gives attitude when she does speak to you, remind her who she's talking to & there will be a consequence if it carries on.

It really depends on the cat. Mine had separation anxiety and for a long time would have urinated all over the house when I went out. It took me months to train him out of that and then working from home over covid undid it all and I had to start from scratch when I went back to the office.

if my cat wasn't such a confident little thing, he'd probably be much the same. he rarely ever leaves the room we are in. when we go out, we shut him in the bedroom, and he understands the difference between "won't be long" if we're just popping out, he usually goes to sit on the windowsill and wait for us, and " see you later" if we'll be out for a longer time. then he finds himself a comfy spot to snooze for a while.
he gets up with whoever gets up first, goes to bed with whoever goes to bed last, and sleeps on the bed (or in it if it's properly cold)
if he was a nervous sort, I'm sure he'd have separation anxiety. he always wants to be wherever we are.

She is not abusing you, and your use of victim-ese, has a whiff of burning martyr about it. She is controlling you however, you cant let her do that it isnt fair on you, and that sort of behaviour sets her up for being in very destructive relationships in her future