To not discuss my finances with DH?

[probablymenow]

The consensus is probably that I am unreasonable but I don’t really know how else to address this.

DH and I do have massively different salaries - his is more than double mine and probably nearly triple. I’m part time he’s full time. I pay for childcare (not cheap) groceries etc. he pays for the mortgage bills etc.

Over the last year he’s become increasingly antagonistic about money matters and it’s reached the point now where I just pay for what I need and pay my things out or my salary and I don’t discuss anything relating to money with him.

Cab this even work? I’m guessing most people will say not. On the other hand it’s the only sticky point in the relationship (admittedly a big one) and so quite honestly it just feels easier to pay for what I need and get on with life.

Over the last year he’s become increasingly antagonistic about money matters and it’s reached the point now where I just pay for what I need and pay my things out or my salary and I don’t discuss anything relating to money with him.
This jumped out at me. What's changed over the last year to make him become more antagonist towards money. That sounds like a massive red flag in the making.

Maternity leave - it’s put a lot of unprecedented pressure on us, but nothing that should be insurmountable.

I think YABU just because honestly as a family you should be able to have open and honest conversations about finances, and you need to be working as a team to ensure everything is paid and that you both have enough money.

This is one of those posts that totally miss the point of the thread 😂 Obviously that’s what should happen but if you just can’t do that for whatever reason - then what? That’s my question really.

This situation is untenable. It hust can’t last—and it shouldn’t. What happens if you get sick? Or one if your children does? Why is he (notionally) paying for the inly valuable asset (the mortgage) and forcing you to pay for the children’s care (a liability ). Hint: he thinks if he divorces you he gets a bigger share if the house snd he thinks the children are your responsibility.

If it works day to day and you are able to buy the things you need from your own salary then that's all fine (and pretty much same as what I do) do I can't see that there is any problem with thd above system for normal outgoings.

You will surely need to occasionally discuss finances though for bigger purchases (holidays, household appliances, home improvements etc)?

So you’re poor because you had a baby and it seems the only way to keep the peace, and he’s not even though he had a baby with you and he doesn’t care about keeping the peace, he’d rather keep his money and leave you miserable. I hate these men. Every single one of them.

Yours sound like finances that should be pooled, with each adult getting equal free spending money.

So just one initial discussion to be had re contributions in line with relative pay, what bills come out, how much joint savings etc, and then you take your equal free spending money to each do with as you will.

Where parents of a child/ children earn very differently, esp when one is providing childcare/ looking after the home etc, this is the best way as otherwise you end up living different lifestyles, whilst the one who has stepped back subsidies the higher earned by relieving then of childcare costs/ obligations.

To be fair to him @pikkumyy77 it isn’t because of that. We are married and if we were to split then things would be financially all right - fair. It’s a long complex boring story. I’m distinctly fed up with dh and money but I do need to be as fair as possible with regard to that.

@UltramarineViolet this is precisely the problem. And increasingly I am feeling as though we are living as friends rather than husband and wife.

Yours is not a marriage I would stay in. It's as though your husband views you as his adversary. Fuck that.

Yes, I always wonder why it happens to be the one asset that the man happens to have on his list of expenditure, and the woman happens to be paying for the childcare 😏

Why the hell are you paying for all the childcare? You working part time (and therefore earning less, arguably damaging your career prospects, and building a much smaller pension pot) is what enables him - as the person equally responsible for your joint child - to go to work full time and earn lots of money.

He sounds awful.

Personally I think family finances should be completely pooled but if not then it needs to be proportional to earnings, eg 70/30.

Our way if doing things is both salaries go into a joint account and all bills get taken from that including fuel, food, kids stuff, holiday things.
Some money will then be put into savings / investments and what's left is our spending money.
We don't tit for tat over every last pound. We are a unit and it worked well for the last 34 years.

I can't see how you can expect to stay in your relationship if you can't discuss finances? It's such a basic part of your life together. It sounds very unfair, and I'd be concerned he's building debt or something else concerning, which has implications for you as you're married.

In fairness again trying as hard as I can to be fair I have the better deal. Especially since our younger one has some funded hours. I’m definitely not left without it’s just feeling a bit ridiculous I can’t just tell DH if I am struggling or whatever. And I hate the fact I’m feeling like I have to hide things.

Yours is the better deal even though he's on triple your salary? I'm not surprised he has an issue with this. Why not make if fair at least?

But why can’t you? In what way is being antagonistic? If it’s that he’s questioning what money has been spent on, and you don’t discuss finances, then you have no idea if he’s just being difficult or if it’s because bills are higher, and there isn’t enough money to go around anymore? For example (I’m also on maternity leave) there’s a big difference between my husband picking at me for buying a new pair of shoes when he has money spare to buy some himself too, and my husband picking at me for buying a new pair of shoes when he’s covering all our household bills and has £10 left over.

Without a proper discussion about finances it’s impossible to know what is causing the stress. If it’s that maternity leave has put extra financial pressure on him and things are tight, then it’s something you need to be discussing together and pooling your finances to get through a tough time.

I'm still a little lost as to the reason why you can't discuss finances?

You are not wrong if you feel its better for you, but what's making you not speak to him about it?
Is he questioning your spending, trying to keep his money for himself and not contribute to the household 'pot' ?

Spectacular, isn't it

So when you say antagonistic, is he grilling you about what you spend/how you allocate your spending and bills/how much you save? Or something else?

How did it work with maternity leave? Did he step up financially?

I'm just trying to work out his motives - fairly. Because at the risk of being an MN cynic, it's sounding rather like despite earning up to 3x more than you and having a child, he's reluctant to behave as a unit with all money as family money. If he's putting financial pressure on you, then yes, in the short term you should avoid any money conversations to protect yourself. Do not get drawn into arguments and accusations.

Longer term though, depends on a bit more info.

Personally I don’t see how it would work unless you’re willing to be treated quite unfairly. Without children perhaps you just keep everything separate but you mentioned maternity leave so there’s a child you are both responsible for (financially and otherwise). How do you pay for joint expenses if you can’t talk about it? Do you support the child on part time wage and do the extra childcare while husband enjoys his full salary to spend on self? Who pays for creche? Are you sure this is the only sticking point as he sounds quite unreasonable! If it is is he gambling? Lost his job and not telling you? I’m part time/have been SAHM but financially we always saw husbands salary as our money, both of us having equal access and both making decisions about it, I just can’t imagine it working any other way and not tainting the whole relationship.

I thought this was going to be some independence thread but instead it’s you coping alone because your shitty husband suddenly feels aggrieved he’s earning more and has devalued what you do. I watched my previous marriage slide downhill very quickly when my husband started with this attitude. And why oh why is childcare the thing women have to carry?

that aside, sounds like either:
a) a sit down is required where you try and talk nicely about how this attitude is making you feel and what needs to happen to prevent rot setting in - his salary is part of the household income, not his. Cost up childcare and cleaners as if you were working full time - too many men fail to value housework and think being at home with kids is a walk in the park, or,
b) you live and plan as if a divorce is going to happen down the line and that means creating a nice little nest egg, getting savvy about both your earnings and finances etc

This is why i'd never marry/have a child with someone without a joint account first. You have time off work to take care of his child and he doesn't like that there are financial implications to that, what did he expect? He sounds like a twat, sorry.

Is he going to support his kids? It doesn't sound like if you're having to look after them on next to no money and then having to pay childcare for them. Is he interested in the kids at all? It sounds like he's not interested in being a father.

I think a joint account would have made things ten times worse.

It really sounds like he’s an abusive arse and lamely he’s not but I do think he’s not adjusted too well to not having the same salary as before.

I’m not quite sure what you’re asking. You’ve said there’s no choice to talk rationally with him about it because that’s not having, so surely bar splitting up, which you don’t seem keen to do, your way is the only way to proceed? What other options are available to you?

How are you “doing better?” Half the responsibility for childcare is his. He gas half funded hours and then you gift him with your hours as well as paying for childcare? He is responsible for either dounf or paying 12 hours for his child per day. He is obviously not doung that. You are treating the mortgage money as fungible and he is not.