To not discuss my finances with DH?

[probablymenow]

The consensus is probably that I am unreasonable but I don’t really know how else to address this.

DH and I do have massively different salaries - his is more than double mine and probably nearly triple. I’m part time he’s full time. I pay for childcare (not cheap) groceries etc. he pays for the mortgage bills etc.

Over the last year he’s become increasingly antagonistic about money matters and it’s reached the point now where I just pay for what I need and pay my things out or my salary and I don’t discuss anything relating to money with him.

Cab this even work? I’m guessing most people will say not. On the other hand it’s the only sticky point in the relationship (admittedly a big one) and so quite honestly it just feels easier to pay for what I need and get on with life.

@pikkumyy77 was it not obvious that I was trying to point out that I didn’t want critical comments about me and my so called strangeness to become the focus of the thread?

If he won't speak about finances then I guess you can't make him. You can point out that a divorced couple will wach have tighter finances than a married couple who live together. And you can point out that people who are married should be able to communicate about matters that are difficult to talk about, in a way that isn't evasive, aggressive (or passive aggressive) or blaming each other, and should be able to come to mutual agreement and compromise without one feeling its unfair. And the fact that you can't do this about money is actually making you doubt the marriage. Tell him how hurt this makes you feel that you feel you cabt raise a pretty important aubject with him.

Ask if he is willing to sit down, with a copy of the entire household income and outgoings, and have a conversation that he clearly finds uncomfortable, to sort this out. And it might help to have a list of points to consider that you can give to him in writing in advance eg how much does he think is reasonable that you each have for personal spending. How much do you think you should be saving. Who should pay for items that might arise that don't fall neatly into one of your current areas of responsibility. What does he feel is fair and unfair about the way you currently arrange finances. How does he feel about being the main earner. You do the same and then sit and talk through each point.

I'm assuming that you both have similar attitudes to money and financial goals. If its more that one of you is a spender and the other a saver then it's not just purely a communication issue it's more an issue of compromise.

If he refuses to engage then you literally have no other options other than put up with it or leave (possibly try and work more hours and advance in career to protect yourself long term, if that's possible)

Thanks. We’ve done the sit down and discuss family finances many times but it never gets us anywhere and it just becomes a blame game.

So he wants you to earn the same as him but doesn't understand that you can't at the moment because you are subsidising part of the childcare for the child you both made in this marriage, he is resentful because.... he wants to keep all the money he makes and not contribute to the family he made?

It is perfectly possible to be financially abused within the marriage, during the course of the marriage, even if nominally a divorce would produce a fair asset split. I would not rely on the mortgage payment/house as shared asset when he has set the expectation that you are solely responsible for the cost of the children. Many a divorced mother has discovered that to her surprise.

I am not critical of you. I am on your side!

I am, however, .pointing out that if you do what you did—you get what you got.

If nothing can change nothing will change. There is no other advice anyone can give you.

But why not instead of it being a discussion, or in fact any kind of blame, you just do is factually. Sit down with a list of every expense each of you pay. Add it up. Then look at each of your income and see who’s left with what. There’s no allocating blame there, it’s just facts, household bills = £X, you’re paying £Y, he’s paying £Z, are you left with equal amounts yes/no.

There’s no emotion or even really discussion involved there.

I don’t disagree but I don’t like ‘strange’(I know you personally did not use it.) It’s easy to say leave a marriage (again I know you didn’t) but harder to do especially where children are involved.

How you feel about what, though? What, specifically, is the problem?

Bearing in mind the confusion that has ensued, how would you phrase the OP, if you were to write it again? I think most of us genuinely want to help (I certainly would like to try), but aren’t entirely sure what’s being asked of us.

Talks and discussions don't work because he doesn't want what is fair for everyone here... he wants it all to his advantage and having him covering the mortgage and you the childcare bill is already doing part of that but he wants it ALL his way.

What is he blaming you for BTW?

Talking to a (non biased) third party would unlikely work as well because he knows he is being unfair, he wouldn't agree to that.

You are being financially abused.

If you're happy that day to day you can buy the things you want and your lifestyle isn't completely different to you dh, such as he'll pay for holidays etc then it could work.

What would concern me is that you have taken a hit financially due to being which will hit your retirement and future earnings. Is he paying into a personal pension for you? What happens when you retire? Do you then have to live off state pension whilst he holidays in the Caribbean and takes a cruise once a year?

Don't forget you are facilitating his work, could he work the hours he does if you got hit my a bus tomorrow? Could he take care of the dc, stay at home if they are sick, attend sports day etc

How I feel about living separate financial lives. I do sometimes think of/when DH comes into inheritance he’ll keep it for him. Which hurts obviously.

I’m not sure what people are confused about. It’s one of those threads where I’m confused people are confused!

Why not bills and extra for child related expenses go into a joint account 50/50 and the rest you keep in your own accounts, but he should be paying more than 50% if he earns more and your part time.

yabu, because it’s at your detriment and you should stick up for yourself.

So he blames you for what?

OP you are giving the tiniest bit of snippets and expecting people to understand the full picture - that's why people are confused.

Makes digs - about what?

Blame game - who blames who for what?

jokes - Aimed at who about what?

You've given the bare minimum context.

OP has literally said she has the better deal and is left with more money than him

Maybe If you show him just how much money you don't have, he will be more helpful to you?

Him being skint, as he puts it. It’s ‘jokey’ blame but it is blame nonetheless.

@Mrsttcno1 it isn’t about the amounts. I’ve said that repeatedly.

For me, the confusion arose because you said ‘am I being unreasonable to not talk to DH about finances’, then made it clear that talking to him about finances isnt an option and you don’t want to split, so what was the alternative scenario to the one you proposed in your OP? If you’ve decided there’s no other way of doing things well then of course you’re not being unreadable, because there isn’t any other option? I couldn’t really figure out what you were looking for from the thread.

So, after paying the essentials, the amount of money each of you has at the end of the month is roughly proportional to your salaries? For example he is left with 20% of his salary and you are left with 20% of yours?

And then he spends quite a bit of his excess money on luxuries - or "personal items" -, by the sounds of it.

Maybe don't discuss finances in terms of figures, as pps have suggested. Just talk about feelings/resentments or whatever. Ask him if he feels hard done by? He'll know where this question is coming from - ie his huffing and puffing about money - and he may begin to see that he's being unreasonable.

That doesn't mean she is not being financially abused.

Do you mean then you’re confused about the purpose of the thread? For me I work things out as I write. I just do. It’s my own therapy and a lot cheaper!

I wouldn’t call it abuse at this stage but certainly it is bordering on something - not quite pleasant.