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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not discuss my finances with DH?

362 replies

probablymenow · 12/09/2024 14:29

The consensus is probably that I am unreasonable but I don’t really know how else to address this.

DH and I do have massively different salaries - his is more than double mine and probably nearly triple. I’m part time he’s full time. I pay for childcare (not cheap) groceries etc. he pays for the mortgage bills etc.

Over the last year he’s become increasingly antagonistic about money matters and it’s reached the point now where I just pay for what I need and pay my things out or my salary and I don’t discuss anything relating to money with him.

Cab this even work? I’m guessing most people will say not. On the other hand it’s the only sticky point in the relationship (admittedly a big one) and so quite honestly it just feels easier to pay for what I need and get on with life.

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 17/09/2024 19:25

probablymenow · 12/09/2024 14:29

The consensus is probably that I am unreasonable but I don’t really know how else to address this.

DH and I do have massively different salaries - his is more than double mine and probably nearly triple. I’m part time he’s full time. I pay for childcare (not cheap) groceries etc. he pays for the mortgage bills etc.

Over the last year he’s become increasingly antagonistic about money matters and it’s reached the point now where I just pay for what I need and pay my things out or my salary and I don’t discuss anything relating to money with him.

Cab this even work? I’m guessing most people will say not. On the other hand it’s the only sticky point in the relationship (admittedly a big one) and so quite honestly it just feels easier to pay for what I need and get on with life.

Or you could TALK to your husband, like a grown up.

Luckylu123 · 18/09/2024 02:00

probablymenow · 12/09/2024 14:34

This is one of those posts that totally miss the point of the thread 😂 Obviously that’s what should happen but if you just can’t do that for whatever reason - then what? That’s my question really.

Show quote history

She hasn’t missed the point, she’s saying in her opinion this can’t work, you should be working as a team

Lifeisbetterwithbutter · 19/09/2024 16:49

Lots of couples have split finances. Theres also financial planners you can visit together to help you two navigate how to best split items or how to budget better, etc. He is paying all the bills, the utilities the housing the vehicles the phones yes? What about savings and investments and retirement, is that being saved for the both of you by him as well? Even if not the latter it isnt abusive to not give you money as youve said he has less left over after bills than you. Now if thats because he has massive credit card debt from overspending than that does need to be addressed. Really nothing unsurmountable here, just need to find the right people to help. Sitting down working with a financial advisor to make sure you both are on track with reduced debt and saving for the future and budgeting for your family is the best bet as they will get a clear view of the numbers and can chart with the two of you where the money is going so that everything is transparent.

Sunburstclocklover · 23/09/2024 15:36

probablymenow · 12/09/2024 15:09

It just turns into a lot of barely concealed digs and passive aggressive ‘jokes.’

Show quote history

Sorry I'm late to this post. I get it as I experienced this firsthand.
It gets worse like slow boiling frog you take on more and more to cover basic life expenses so as to not rock the boat ( As PP has said) and start to rack up personal debt on credit cards etc.
My ex eventually saw me and our DC as net consumers of his income. My full time professional salary was less than half his. All mine went into the joint account and although I thought most of his did too he had 2 other bank accounts. I knew he had one for his savings, the second was secret but had the same amount of money. So if I happened to see paperwork it would not be immediately obvious that there were 2 accounts each with £52k!
The constant stress going food shopping or clothes shopping for the kids not knowing if the card would be declined and my credit card would have to come out.
The more he earned the worse it got. The snide nasty remarks about me spending his hard earned money etc.
He had an affair and left.
The eggshells about money eventually spills over into the rest of your life and it sours everything. The disrespect and nasty comments get worse.
I probably made the mistake of trying to keep the peace and hiding things when full on, out in the open, discussion is needed!

Nanny0gg · 23/09/2024 15:45

probablymenow · 12/09/2024 14:37

To be fair to him @pikkumyy77 it isn’t because of that. We are married and if we were to split then things would be financially all right - fair. It’s a long complex boring story. I’m distinctly fed up with dh and money but I do need to be as fair as possible with regard to that.

@UltramarineViolet this is precisely the problem. And increasingly I am feeling as though we are living as friends rather than husband and wife.

So does he have much more disposable income than you?

Already answered

Nanny0gg · 23/09/2024 15:47

probablymenow · 12/09/2024 15:07

Kids get more expensive as they get older is a bit of a myth. Yes they need phones and more food and so on but you don’t have the crippling costs of nursery (I’m guessing yours isn’t in childcare.)

Plus, by the time I have a child old enough for a phone I will be in a position to work full time. But this is hairsplitting.

It's not a myth, it really isn't

Nanny0gg · 23/09/2024 15:49

probablymenow · 12/09/2024 15:13

The overall point is that most people would agree childcare is a massive and sometimes crippling cost, often preventing women people returning to work at all. I don’t think it’s true at all that children get more expensive when older unless you (for example) pay for private school. At the moment I’ve low(er) earnings and high childcare costs. But look, I’m not posting for a row tbh.

@doodleschnoodle - if there is one thing that I will agree with it is that I am probably very strange, so is DH, I dare say our children are too … but I’m not posting for a character critique. I do actually need to work this out.

They get bigger. Their clothes and shoes get bigger and much more expensive. If they game it's expensive. If they need ferrying around it get's expensive. What they want to do gets more expensive.

Teenagers are not cheap

Nanny0gg · 23/09/2024 15:52

probablymenow · 12/09/2024 15:37

Him being skint, as he puts it. It’s ‘jokey’ blame but it is blame nonetheless.

@Mrsttcno1 it isn’t about the amounts. I’ve said that repeatedly.

Show quote history

But if it's because of his expenses what is he/has he spent money on?

WHY don't you have a joint account for shared expenses and then share out what's left over?

Pussycat22 · 23/09/2024 15:53

For better for worse, for richer, for poorer. Get this idiot sorted out. Hed have a fortune to pay out if you divorced. Hope all goes well for you.

Nanny0gg · 23/09/2024 15:56

probablymenow · 12/09/2024 16:05

@gannett i guess it’s because I just don’t like bad feeling or rows so I go down the path of avoidance.

When I look at joint expenses it’s around £3300, including childcare, mortgage, insurance, bills and so on. I’m currently paying around £1000 for childcare. So I don’t think I’m not contributing or that it’s unfair but he does make me feel as though it is.

Have you asked him what you ought to do about the childcare if he thinks it's such a lot?

Lifeisbetterwithbutter · 27/09/2024 08:57

Reading through your updates it seems like its just a frustrating time and having young kids and too much month left over and not enough savings is just stressful. Sounds like it really stresses him out and it spills over and you get stressed from his stress and im sorry, times are tough in the economy plus little ones are costly and time consuming. I really hope things work themselves out in a few years and you can look back and think “ remember when the kids were young, life sure was stressful. Glad we are doing well now”

Grammarnut · 27/09/2024 14:34

pikkumyy77 · 12/09/2024 14:35

This situation is untenable. It hust can’t last—and it shouldn’t. What happens if you get sick? Or one if your children does? Why is he (notionally) paying for the inly valuable asset (the mortgage) and forcing you to pay for the children’s care (a liability ). Hint: he thinks if he divorces you he gets a bigger share if the house snd he thinks the children are your responsibility.

If he thinks him paying the mortgage means he gets a bigger share in a divorce he is living in cloud cuckoo land. The parent with the children tends to get the house if it is not being sold, apart from that caveat everything will be 50/50.

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