To not discuss my finances with DH?

[probablymenow]

The consensus is probably that I am unreasonable but I don’t really know how else to address this.

DH and I do have massively different salaries - his is more than double mine and probably nearly triple. I’m part time he’s full time. I pay for childcare (not cheap) groceries etc. he pays for the mortgage bills etc.

Over the last year he’s become increasingly antagonistic about money matters and it’s reached the point now where I just pay for what I need and pay my things out or my salary and I don’t discuss anything relating to money with him.

Cab this even work? I’m guessing most people will say not. On the other hand it’s the only sticky point in the relationship (admittedly a big one) and so quite honestly it just feels easier to pay for what I need and get on with life.

Hmmm... antagonistic you say?

You are getting it for free here. You have had lots of extremely helpful suggestions. Lots of us are married and have worked through stuff with our husbands—you could ask how? I’ve been with dh for 33 years! Married 28 or so. Do you think its possible that people suggesting you should be able to talk to your husband without him sniping at you might be on to something?

I am not disagreeing with that. I fully agree I should be able to. But at the moment it just is not happening. It just isn’t and that isn’t changing any time soon.

Talking about it helped inititally. As the thread has gone on it’s become a bit like a long car journey with the occupants getting increasingly grumpy and snappy. So it’s probably a good place to wrap it up.

Earlier you said that you now rarely discuss finances because of the jibes and digs so is it that he has stopped as you told him you didn't like it or has he now got you 'trained' not to discuss finances?

Which part of the path have you both veered off from?
The one for future goals and what you're aiming for in the future or the here and now?

I do think some people only consider the time and energy of having children and not the financial impact and when their finances take a hit they can't quite get their heads around it.

How can you have a child with someone you can’t talk to?

Both, really. I do think that has happened to him. I’m not saying I’m blameless but I do think he underestimated the financial strain of the early years.

That’s one of those ‘not massively helpful’ comments @fruitbrewhaha , given we do have children and we do talk, just not about money.

'not an attractive woman'[. This is very sad to hear. All women can make themselves attractive. You have very low self esteem and deserve so much more

I’ll absolutely ‘leave it’ OP

You being unhappy is no skin off my nose.

I hope your real life friends are a source of comfort and advice as you obviously haven’t found it here in spite of lots of helpful suggestions.

@Merryoldgoat a load of snide comments as a last word isn’t leaving it, it is being unpleasant purely for the sake of it, just for point scoring and getting one over.

I’m not actually especially unhappy. I don’t like this particular aspect to my marriage but I am pragmatic if nothing else and I recognise that ending the marriage and seeking joy elsewhere is unlikely to happen. If I did call time on the marriage then things would not be any better and would almost certainly be worse for children as well as me. It’s important to be realistic about what is achievable.

All the best, OP. I really wish for you the same joy and comfort in your marriage that I have found in mine and that I wish for my daughters. You are entitled to it. And your husband should want to give it to you.

Work out the total of all your joint expenditure that you are both responsible for (childcare, food, bills, shopping, family entertainment etc) every month and then divide it equally as a % of your individual incomes. Put this amount as a standing order into a joint account every month. Seems the fairest way to me!

👋🏾

I came late to this place. I read some of your answers and you said he plays the "blame game". Please describe what you mean by that. We need specific instances to be able to answer your question.

I suggest you set down with him and say in the past month this is what I've spent my money on.

Ask him for the same.

Then ask him to show you where does he see the problem.

If you can't have that basic conversation you need to make a decision.

If your part is paid I see no reason why he should know what you do with the money or how much you have , personal finances are personal even if you are a couple you are doing your part and that should be it .

I am sorry you are having such a hard time on this post, OP. You don’t deserve it. I am married 33 years to a wonderful man. We have three fabulous grown-up children. I thought five or six years into my relationship that I might leave him because of his attitude to money. He always sounded really tight. When I was completely broke, struggling in London as a student with absolutely no income, he came to see me and insisted we halved the bill for a pizza. He was earning a salary as a doctor and owned his own home. I was food restricting because I had no money.
The thing is, he completely didn’t get it. He had no idea how broke I was. He’d do kind things like buy me a dress or gift me a plane ticket home but he never got the fact that after I paid rent there was nothing left.
We communicated our way out of it. I called him out on every stingy thing he said. Much of it was just learned behaviour. He just said these things because he always said them. But they hurt me so much. So I told him. He told me he loved me for my fierce independence and the fact that I was determined not to be reliant on anyone. I explained we needed to pool resources. He agreed and he trusted me. He never called me out on my spending and I never felt guilty. Sometimes my earnings were more than his, mostly after kids and the curtailment of my career he way out-earned me.
His friends and the kids still joke about his love of a bargain. But deep down he is incredibly generous.
Your husband sounds stressed about debt. He needs a practical plan to solve this issue. You can’t help him with it because whenever you do, the barbs he shoots at you wound you to the core. Can you tell him this? Can you tell him how hurtful these comments are? He may not realise how hurtful they are.
Two young children is the most stressful time in a marriage. Misunderstandings make it worse. You are absolutely right that it will get financially easier for you both as time goes on. You will earn more. Your assets will appreciate over time, inflation will reduce the debt.
I think you should try to take time as a couple to communicate the things you love about each other. The pride you have in each other and the things you are getting right in the marriage. Then discuss the things that are stressful and hurtful. Do this over several conversations. Start rebuilding trust and communication. Come at it from a place of mutual agreement and respect. Don’t talk about the nitty gritty of finances at all -just the big picture of how you want the marriage to be.
Marriage takes a lot of work, a lot of the time. It’s your biggest investment and everyone, especially the children, benefits when you are both willing to work it out. It is entirely possible to overcome this hurdle. You wanting to do so is half way there. Good luck.

Perhaps meet with a financial planner. Sounds like you both need help managing the finances.

Probablymenow 15.51 yesterday

“It’s double what mine is if I was FT…probably close to triple because I am part time.”

So OP does not know how much DH earns but does not say that and covers up her upset over the lack of trust between her and DH.

the lack of clarity of communication and objectivity is frustrating.

OP. To answer your AIBU - no YANBU to not want to discuss money with your DH, since he sounds so difficult.

You say he won't change, so if you want change, the only person who can change is you. There are books and tons of online relationship info to help you if you want it.
My DP is tricky about money - he'll buy loads of yellow sticker groceries, many of which end up in the bin because the rest of us don't like them. Yet he'll spend thousands on an electric car and batteries for the solar panels (I pay the utilities and it's saved me about £50pm)
He has never wanted a joint account and we pay for household expenses separately. He earns twice as much as me and is always worrying about money. I could write a really long list of examples, but this is your thread, not mine.
Yanbu.

Reading your posts OP I'm struck that your way of being with regards to conflict is avoidant (to use an awful psychological term!) There are doubtless lots of reasons for this, you mentioned feeling almost lucky that someone 'chose'to marry you so your self esteem does indeed sound low 💓 Your feelings now about the financial split in your marriage suggest that this avoidance is no longer working for you in your life and I guess that's what it might be helpful to work through with someone like a counsellor. The bigger picture is about making choices of how you want to live your life. This is big, scary, difficult stuff that we all have to face in one way or another in our lives. I wish you lots of luck xx

Fair is each having the same amount of fun money and equal access to savings etc. both should be involved in financial decision making.

Also noting that fair is equal access to relaxation time. Often working part time seems to result in also picking up all of the housework and childcare even in evenings when both are home, that isn't fair. But also having days off that are for fun not housework wouldn't be fair if even tasks are shared.

YES!!! This 100%

Sorry haven’t read through every single post but just to put in my two cents worth…

Similar to you, my hubby earns way more than me, about 3x my salary. I went part-time for a while, now back to full time now our children are in school. I hate chatting money, it makes me cringe but it is so necessary in order to ensure our household is running smoothly so I just have to suck it up!

However, since before even having kids we have had a household spreadsheet with all our expenses on it. Mortgage, childcare, children’s hobbies, spending money, bills, savings - EVERYTHING is accounted for, and both of our incomes are input. Bills are paid, we each have our spending money and everything feels equal… Monthly spreadsheet meeting is done with a glass of wine so we can make sure everything is accounted for and chat over our finances and it makes it feel less uncomfortable.

My hubby is no saint, but I have always felt his equal partner when it came to our money. As his income started to vastly overtake mine, his portion into our pot increased and our joint lifestyle improved due to the increased income - if he suggested I should have less money than him I’d leave him.

Once you are able to broach the financial discussions with him, I’d really recommend a similar approach xx

Do you have any money for yourself ?
me and my partner have a joint account and then I also have seperate bills in my own account eg phone contract car finance my car insurance etc etc …
we contribute X amount % in the joint account as he earns more than me. That way we both have a similar amount of money left each month after bills for ourselves / kids stuff etc

@probablymenow

"I’m not actually especially unhappy. I don’t like this particular aspect to my marriage but I am pragmatic if nothing else and I recognise that ending the marriage and seeking joy elsewhere is unlikely to happen. If I did call time on the marriage then things would not be any better and would almost certainly be worse for children as well as me. It’s important to be realistic about what is achievable."

If you've given it serious thought and you've decided that you prefer to stay where you are, that's your right. You're only deciding what countless women before you have decided; that the financial security the marriage offers is worth the hassle and disappointment. But that decision obviously comes with a pretty big price and that price is a life with a lot of unhappiness in it. I know a couple of (older) women who have made that decision. I understand why they made it but don't have a lot of sympathy for their complaints. Yes, their lifestyles would change if they left and not for the better but they'd be 'free'. It really is a situation of "you made your bed, now lie in it".

There is an extra 'component' when the trouble in a marriage is that the higher earner isn't concerned about the financial stability of the lower earner. And that is that the lower earner's finances usually get worse and worse as time goes on. Yes, they have a roof over their head and food in their belly, but the 'shortfall' every month means that plans for a secure retirement or enough in savings to cover that rainy day usually go out the window. And that means that if the day comes when they actually do want out, they simply don't have the money to get out. They're trapped.

If you're comfortable with all that, fine. Just be sure you've thought it all through.