To not discuss my finances with DH?

[probablymenow]

The consensus is probably that I am unreasonable but I don’t really know how else to address this.

DH and I do have massively different salaries - his is more than double mine and probably nearly triple. I’m part time he’s full time. I pay for childcare (not cheap) groceries etc. he pays for the mortgage bills etc.

Over the last year he’s become increasingly antagonistic about money matters and it’s reached the point now where I just pay for what I need and pay my things out or my salary and I don’t discuss anything relating to money with him.

Cab this even work? I’m guessing most people will say not. On the other hand it’s the only sticky point in the relationship (admittedly a big one) and so quite honestly it just feels easier to pay for what I need and get on with life.

Some will relate to your situation, others won’t. The issue is, are you happy with your arrangement? It’s not about being fair here - you are married and have children who are a shared responsibility. The only person who knows if you’re happy to live with the set up is you.

For what it’s worth, situations like yours eventually become more difficult than easier. Yes, childcare costs disappear but those are the foreseen expenses. As a couple how do you propose to plan for the unexpected? My DH ended up in a car accident when I was two months into my mat leave. We were young and had nothing so I went back to work and he did the child care while he was unable to work (self employed). There will be a myriad of situations.

How do you approach other expenditure such as holidays, birthdays, Christmas gifts, savings etc? Do you both have the same long term financial goals?

I do know his salary. I think you’ve misunderstood something.

But the amounts ARE the most relevant thing because the amounts distinguish whether he’s being nasty or whether he is right! If he’s left with less then of course he isn’t happy and things need to change to even things out.

I think you need couples therapy with a focus on discussing your finances. With someone else in the room (who is trained to help) maybe the two of you can both learn to communicate nicely about finances and have a productive outcome

Lack of agreement on finances is meant to be the biggest reasons marriages break down. I wouldnt ignore this as its likely to spill over into the rest of your marriage over time

and if you go down this route, dont just use the first therapist you find, you might need to try a few before you find someone who 'gets' you both and will hold the line for both of you

From what I guess ( and I've had to try fill some major blanks here)

He is annoyed/frustrated he is paying all the household bills and left with less than you per month.
Feels like you are living the dream with loads of cash left over and he has nothing
He is working to support the house but nothing for himself leftover.

Minus childcare - everything else you pay for (activities etc) aren't essentials, they are options.

You say your getting the better end of the deal do he knows this and resent this?

In your ideal world - what would you like to happen with the finances?

Unless i am majorly missing something - I can see why he is resentful. (Not saying hes right, but putting all your snippets together to make a picture seems to mean he pays for 90% of the bills and has nothing left at the end of the month - whilst you do)

They might be the most relevant things to you. Not to me.

This.

I honestly cannot imagine being with a man who thinks of me and his child as manipulative drains on his resources. Nothing else 'good' about them could outweigh this - they're cunts, they really are.

At the very least, OP, you need to tackle him and point out that you both decided to have a child - and that decent men split all expenses so that the work is shared, and both parties are left with the same amount of savings and spending money.

I never understand these posts, where married women who have sacrificed their career progression and earning potential for children, are not financially supported by their husbands. The whole point of marriage as a legal and social institution is to protect women and children because they are inherently more vulnerable.

My husband and I do what my parents did. His earnings go into a joint account from thigh we pay for most things. My earnings go into a separate account in my name. From time to time I transfer money into a joint savings account, otherwise which account I pay for something with is immaterial because our finances are joint.

You said he earns double, maybe triple your salary. How can you be unsure if you know his salary? Do you not know your own salary?!

So you don’t care if he is left with less and don’t see why that is unfair and why he would be upset and frustrated by that? Maybe the “financial abuse” is being thrown the wrong way.

People not understanding … geez. Maybe you’re trying to be helpful but honestly all it’s doing is making me feel both judged and like such a weird incomprehensible person I’m beyond help!

Yes. Because if you aren’t going to talk to him about it (the first poster who suggested that was told they’d ‘missed the point’) and you aren’t going to split, then there really is no alternative to ‘I’ll just carry on paying for things and not talking to him about it’, is there?
If it was just a place to get down your thoughts then that’s fine, but obviously people aren’t going to know that’s what you were doing and will suggestions as to how to resolve it (talking, joint accounts etc) and won’t know their suggestions are unwelcome..

I promise I'm not trying to stick the oar in, OP but I think the confusion here comes from:

1. You don't want help with the numbers
2. Your don't want to know what others would do because they would talk with their spouse or leave them, and neither is an option for you
3. You don't want comments on your set up
4. But you do want help working through how you feel about it, but haven't really given us a lot of insight into that except to say it's just this one issue but that it sometimes (always?) feels like it creeps into other areas
5. Further to this, it's hard to help you work through it bcause you seem to want us to help you come to terms with it but, for many of us, it just isn't something we would, or could, come to terms with

That makes it really hard to see what you are needing here. Is it just a place to vent? OK, if it is.

Regardless of the secific issue, if a major part of your joint lives cannot be discussed and one of you is unhappy about it there are only a few options I can see:

1. Suck it up
2. Leave them
3. Pretend to suck it up but inwardly seethe about it

I don't know which of those you think might be your way forward here but you are unhappy, that is clear. If your husband cannot discuss serious matters without PA jokes and such, how else do you normally deal with the more serious disagreements?

You aren’t being judged. Hopefully this is a wake up call. Your husband needs to step up and pay for his family.

What if he was spending ALL his spare money on drink? And expensive hobby or solo expensive trips that do not benefit the op or their children in anyway.

As I far as I can deduce ops husband has positioned himself to be the person paying for the marital assets and left op with the liability of childcare bills, he has personal spending problems and despite being the higher earner wants access to ops small income to supplement his poor financial skills.

He’s already paying all of the household bills and is left with less money than OP is, as she has said :)

Noone is judging, they just can’t help if they don’t really know what you want help with.

I'm reading it that he has more personal bills than you & therefore has less "available" money after everything has been paid. But really, it is his choice to have i.e. expensive phone contract, gym membership, golf club fees. It should be viewed that these costs are part of HIS "fun/spare money". They are not essential expenses like the mortgage or council tax.
You don't choose to have these expenses so you have more money left over after paying your share of the essentials. Except you don't because you alone are paying for the kids everyday needs.

Is this right?

Honestly OP, you are just not explaining yourself very well and are being very secretive so it's going to be hard for people to help.

she can’t possibly know that if she doesn’t know what he earns. Marriage means supporting one another and they means them both sharing finances and making decisions together as a couple.

You’re missing the point. What matters is that they have EQUAL “spare” amounts to spend, it doesn’t matter whether thats spent on beer, pokemon cards or new golf clubs, as long as they BOTH have the same amount of money to spend. OP has said he has less than her.

She’s said she knows his salary, read her posts :)

She does know his salary - she has said so. Its double maybe triple hers

I'd opt for more honesty, not less.
Complete openness about who earns what and where it all goes.
Keep a spreadsheet - all bills, direct debits, every single expenditure listed. Balance it all up at the end of the month - with the split according to the ratio of your salaries and a monthly settlement between your accounts.
The hope is that with complete openness, he can stop being moody or defensive about it.
If that doesn't happen, yes basically there's no hope unless you want to live with someone for the rest of your life who is not willing to share proportionately and invest the right amount of effort into understanding family finance. That is a very big deal and I'd want it sorted sooner rather than later - why waste your life?

There’s a big difference between double and triple.