To not discuss my finances with DH?

[probablymenow]

The consensus is probably that I am unreasonable but I don’t really know how else to address this.

DH and I do have massively different salaries - his is more than double mine and probably nearly triple. I’m part time he’s full time. I pay for childcare (not cheap) groceries etc. he pays for the mortgage bills etc.

Over the last year he’s become increasingly antagonistic about money matters and it’s reached the point now where I just pay for what I need and pay my things out or my salary and I don’t discuss anything relating to money with him.

Cab this even work? I’m guessing most people will say not. On the other hand it’s the only sticky point in the relationship (admittedly a big one) and so quite honestly it just feels easier to pay for what I need and get on with life.

I must be really thick because I still can't work out why you can't discuss finances. I've obviously missed something!

Same. Or what the alternative scenario is to the one the OP is suggesting, which is that they don’t talk about finances and just carry on as they are, because apparently talking isn’t an option.

Right… so that’s 1 point out of all the ones I listed.

It just turns into a lot of barely concealed digs and passive aggressive ‘jokes.’

I always find these threads so strange. How has it got to this stage? Have you just never had an open dialogue about money your whole relationship? My husband and I discuss finances like we discuss everything else about our life as a family. What happens if you bring it up?

There’s nothing reasonable about any of your posts.

You won’t give details as to why the normal solutions won’t work so why post?

The only fair solution in my opinion is to work out the total of monthly household costs and work out how much each of you should pay so you’re left with the same amount to spend personally. You don’t have to have a joint account to do that but it helps.

But being unable to have a reasonable conversation says your relationship has poor foundations.

Would you be willing to give more info? Your earnings, DHs earnings, childcare cost?

I am really confused by this post. Could you please clarify what you’re asking?

to be honest OP - You seem hard work to talk to. Were on page 3 and half the people still can't understand why you can't talk apart from he makes digs?

Digs about what?

This post is pointless - no-one can give you advise.

The overall point is that most people would agree childcare is a massive and sometimes crippling cost, often preventing women people returning to work at all. I don’t think it’s true at all that children get more expensive when older unless you (for example) pay for private school. At the moment I’ve low(er) earnings and high childcare costs. But look, I’m not posting for a row tbh.

@doodleschnoodle - if there is one thing that I will agree with it is that I am probably very strange, so is DH, I dare say our children are too … but I’m not posting for a character critique. I do actually need to work this out.

I hate to disappoint you… but we see just out of nursery years…. And really the extra income gets eaten up by activities, equipment for activities, camps, paying their share for holidays/flights/food and then there’s university in just a few years when that’s all done… so I wouldn’t count on it!! But i know this isn’t the point of your thread at all. Sounds like a very difficult position to be in.

Presumably this would be subsequent to the conversation, though. Or are you saying you sit down and start having the conversation and he starts making ‘jokes’?

If he has less disposable income after the joint essentials but before his own monthly payments (e.g. gym, he's got an expensive phone, he buys bike parts) then I understand his point.

But then my DH paid the childcare as he knew it was important for my mental health to go back to work.

If he is resentful that you aren't paying costs because of the childcare cost of you working then this is a husband problem, not a money one.

Rather than it being a conversation like this, could it be a more business-like chat just to look at everything? As in purely look at the numbers together. We do this, my husband has a spreadsheet with all of our expenses on which he uses to keep things organised and so he can see when it’s worth us changing insurance/mortgage etc (he enjoys stuff like this 😂) and so if this was us, we could look at the spreadsheet and see what all our outgoings come to in £. Then we could look at both our salaries and you can then see that if say you have £1000 coming in and after paying “your chunk” have £400 left for fun money, and he has £2000 coming in and after paying “his chunk” has £200 left for fun money then you can quite obviously see it’s unfair and needs to be rebalanced. Equally you could see that if you are left with £200 and he’s left with £400 then things need rebalanced, or things may actually be equal. Without having that info you have no idea whether he’s genuinely worse off, whether you are worse off, whether actually things are even and so it’s not possible to say whether he’s being a dick or whether he has a point.

I’m not sure what you are asking - if it works for the 2 of you, that’s all that matters.

I couldn’t live with a man like him, but I don’t have to.

You have said the money split leaves you with more than him left over, so I really don’t understand what your issue is. It would be different if he was left with loads and you were left with nothing, or the other way around.

What do you want to work out? You say that your current expenditure split is roughly proportionate to your respective incomes and you think that’s fair. So, what are you seeking to address?

Or is there actually an imbalance? If so, tell
is what it is and we’ll try to give useful advice.

That’s a naive statement considering you’ve never had older children. Their clothes and shoes become way more expensive as they start to have their own taste and want to fit in, hobbies (music lessons etc), expensive sports kit/club costs, socialising eg cinema trips, bus fares, school trips - often close to or more than £1k in secondary, driving lessons, university costs. You get the picture.

How do you budget for anything? How do you manage a day out or a meal? Do you have to pay half each time and discuss if you can afford it before you go? If you suddenly inherited a load of money or started earning double him would he be happy with you not sharing it? Also is he stressed about money for some reason? Could you talk about it before?

@ThatTealViewer i suppose work out how I feel about it. The amounts aren’t really the point. It’s more I suppose it isn’t what I personally would have anticipated from a marriage. We are definitely not together financially. And that can’t not seep into other areas.

Why don't you just get a joint account where you each pay in a fixed amount proportional to what you earn, and keep your salaries/whatever going into your personal accounts. That's the best of both worlds surely?

I wouldn’t be so confident, @probablymenow . You don’t really know someone until you divorce them. It’s a potentially problematic split of bills

I am sorry, but your 'd'h is a mean, nasty piece of so and so. My husband and I have vastly different salaries now (mine is a lot more), but when we started out as a family, he earned a lot more and the flat I moved into was bought by him, with no investment from me. First thing he did was put me on the title deeds and he added me on his bank accounts, with cards and the only spending limit was set by a bank then - 250 quid a day. He told me to use whatever money he had in it, no problem. Things changed and I earn a lot more now, etc. and frankly, I can't do enough for him now, because I can't forget his generosity of means and of spirit when we just married. I could not imagine having different accounts and different 'purses' in one family. To be totally honest, I think I would rather have a philandering, drunken, gambling husband than a stingy, mean, penny-pinching piece of so-and-so.

Well if your starting position is your ending position “we are strange” then there simply is no suggestion anyone can make that will change the situation.

In reality you don’t have to accept repeating old patterns . Hostility, aggression, bitchy remarks, avoidance of honest communication, grudge holding, stinginess, emotional constipation are all choices you make (you each make) to avoid rocking the boat or changing something of value to you.

He is agressive, unpleasant, and bitchy to avoid sharing his income with you or to avoid giving you power in the relationship. You are avoiding conversation or confrontation with him and mumbling about “a better deal” or how the future when you go back to work full time doesn’t have this problem in order to avoid blowing up the marriage. Because that is the not so hidden threat—isn’t it? He is basically saying “if you try to have an open conversation with me about finances, or try to share finances, I will blow up/end the entente cordiale (sic) that we are pretending to have.

Well, hopefully it won’t come to that @Derbee but I’m sure financially we’d be OK. It’s more the emotional side of things. It’s pretty horrible to feel like you live with someone who is living a separate financial life to you.

This whole thread is weird. He earns triple but you’re left with more than him?? How much are his expenses?
you got the better deal but he’s unfair?

but ultimately I think this comment says it all.