To not discuss my finances with DH?

[probablymenow]

The consensus is probably that I am unreasonable but I don’t really know how else to address this.

DH and I do have massively different salaries - his is more than double mine and probably nearly triple. I’m part time he’s full time. I pay for childcare (not cheap) groceries etc. he pays for the mortgage bills etc.

Over the last year he’s become increasingly antagonistic about money matters and it’s reached the point now where I just pay for what I need and pay my things out or my salary and I don’t discuss anything relating to money with him.

Cab this even work? I’m guessing most people will say not. On the other hand it’s the only sticky point in the relationship (admittedly a big one) and so quite honestly it just feels easier to pay for what I need and get on with life.

I don't think it's clear from your posts to advise. Eg if he is struggling to pay the priority bills whilst you're treating yourself then ofcourse he would be upset. Why has his attitude changed? As PPs have said, it would be better to combine finances and have equal personal money.

After bills he’s left with less than me. BUT a lot of those bills are his personal items if you see what I mean.

If you add up mortgage and bills and childcare and groceries and children things it’s probably fairly equal respective to our salaries.

Exactly this. There’s too much unknown for anyone to be confidently saying he is in the wrong. Earning double OP’s salary means nothing if the mortgage & all household bills he is paying eat all of that up.

Why would a joint account make things ten times worse?

Can you explain how you have the better deal as it really doesn't sound like you do based on what you've posted.

We’d never have a joint account. Neither of us want that and even if I did he’d never go for it. I’ve explained my better deal above.

It depends what “his personal items” are though.

If it’s his golf membership fee’s and his spa membership then that’s fair enough, if it’s a car & petrol fees for a car he needs for work & that the family use then it’s not.

I am afraid I don’t understand why there is a weird split of financial responsibilities - you both own and live in the house so are jointly responsible; you are both parents of the children so their childcare is a joint responsibility; you both eat food and need household items so are jointly responsibility. Either split things 50/50 or split them proportionally based on what you each earn.

DH and I have very different salaries because I took the hit to my career and earning potential so he could have his career and I looked after the kids and worked in less high pressured jobs to pick up the slack. We also had to move around a lot for him (including living overseas) so we have always been clear that everything is shared. All money is our money jointly and everything is our responsibility 50/50 because we are a partnership and work together and are on the same side.

I don’t necessarily understand it either @Roundthebend45 but it won’t change. It’s just whether we can make a marriage and a future out of it.

Well it wouldn’t work for me. Only you can decide if you’re happy to live your life like that.

If you are splitting bills proportionally to income, and then individually paying your own bills and this means you're left with more, how can he argue that? Are you paying shared bills proportionally to income?

If he can’t pay for his commitments comfortably and you can’t discuss finances you are never going to get clarity or be comfortable. There are several possibilities:

1)?he has bitten off more than he can chew and can’t afford the lifestyle you guys have.
2) he has hidden debts/costs he can’t be honest about
3) he overspends on shit, drugs, gambling.
4) he has stupid ideas about male and female roles

At any rate THIS IS NOT ROCKET SCIENCE. You should be able to speak to your dh about finances and come to a mutually satisfactory understanding. It is a very bad sign that you can’t. There is a staggering lack of warmth and trust in the relationship.

is there any way you could make some time without kids and have a calm and clear conversation with him about this? Be clear about what you want, how you want to be fair for both of you and for you both to know where are and to get on same page about splitting finances?

You are the only one who knows if your current situation can work, but I think if the answer to the above question is No and you can’t even talk about it together, then I’m afraid that would be a dealbreaker for me.

With my wife, including Mat leave when she earned a lot less, we had a joint account that we both paid into, such that we kept the same amount back each month for ourselves.

Joint account covered all expenses - mortgage, bills, childcare, food, putting savings aside for kids, holidays, car payments, saving for big things like new kitchen. So one job of course is working out how much per month that could/should be.

Fake numbers:

So if joint accounted needed £2k a month, I might pay in say 1500 of my 2k pcm salary, and shed pay 500 of her 1k pcm. So we're both left with £500 each to do as we please, including whether to save any of that, or bolster pension etc.

Of course, under this arrangement, if I'd say earned as much as £3kpcm then I'd have paid ALL joint expenses (I'd pay in 2k and keep 1k, she'd have kept all 1k of hers). Maybe some would frown at that but I wouldn't have.

Of course what we then DID 'debate' was which car to get, or whether to include a wine fridge in the new kitchen etc (with me being the more frugal) which affected how much the joint account needed. But that's a separate issue!

Ask him why he'd see that arrangement as unfair! You're a team, not adversaries (from a man)

I’m quite skeptical that you have the better deal, even with a massive mortgage.

are you still paying into your pension?
you may have more money after your big expense, childcare, but are you then covering everything for the child from your funds? What about household needs? Do you really have more money left for you, personally?

If I were you, I would be actively figuring out how you're going to live as a single mother, because your marriage is in serious trouble. Money issues are the #1 cause of divorce. Add your husband's lack of respect for you and your inability to communicate on top, and it's a relationship killer.

We aren’t splitting bills. I pay childcare and groceries plus children’s entertainment clothing etc. he pays everything else.

I think the fact that you both hate the idea of a joint account points to the bigger issues here. Your independence from each other worked before having a baby, but now it's not working. It sounds like he feels hard done- by somehow, despite it all sounding broadly fair.

I think he does feel hard done by. I wouldn’t be adverse to a joint account with a different husband!

I would divorce because if you can't work out money in your relationship there's a huge problem.

Is marriage counselling an option?

It depends what you want your marriage and future to look like. Off the top of my head though, some issues with this:

• Kids get more expensive as they get older so who pays for their phones, laptops, clothes, after school clubs, hobbies, equipment needed for hobbies, school trips? Will that remain just your responsibility, is that fair?
• Cost of living increases, having only 1 income that is covering these variable costs mortgage/water/gas & electric/wifi/tv package/car insurance means that the person paying those is disproportionately impacted by those costs, is that fair?
• Say you want to go on a family holiday, does he just pay for himself and you then have to pay for you + your child? How do you decide who pays for the child or who pays what % for the child, if nobody knows how much you each have left over? How do you pick your holiday if you don’t know the budget you each have? Is that fair?
• What about Christmas/birthdays, who pays for presents? Christmas trip to Santa? Who pays for the parties? Is it fair that if childcare is “your” thing then you pay for it? If you aren’t working as a team financially then how do you agree a budget you can both afford and how much you each contribute?
• Even household things like the boiler or the oven breaks and you need a new one, who pays for that? Is it fair that if household things are “his” then he had to find £100’s+ to replace? If you don’t share finances or discuss them how do you know what you can each afford to contribute?

Personally, I think finances like this is either setting yourselves up for a lifetime of bickering and arguing about money, both sometimes feeling hard done by, or you set yourself up for a lifetime of taking on more expenses than you can really afford just to avoid rocking the boat. Neither is great.

That is splitting bills. You're paying some, he is paying some. For example if you earn 30% of household income and he earns 70%, are you covering 30% of bills and he is covering 70%?

Have you asked him if this is true? Why would he feel "hard done by?" If he does, that tells you everything you need to know, honestly.

Have you asked him if this is true? Why would he feel "hard done by?" If he does, that tells you everything you need to know, honestly.

Kids get more expensive as they get older is a bit of a myth. Yes they need phones and more food and so on but you don’t have the crippling costs of nursery (I’m guessing yours isn’t in childcare.)

Plus, by the time I have a child old enough for a phone I will be in a position to work full time. But this is hairsplitting.