To not discuss my finances with DH?

[probablymenow]

The consensus is probably that I am unreasonable but I don’t really know how else to address this.

DH and I do have massively different salaries - his is more than double mine and probably nearly triple. I’m part time he’s full time. I pay for childcare (not cheap) groceries etc. he pays for the mortgage bills etc.

Over the last year he’s become increasingly antagonistic about money matters and it’s reached the point now where I just pay for what I need and pay my things out or my salary and I don’t discuss anything relating to money with him.

Cab this even work? I’m guessing most people will say not. On the other hand it’s the only sticky point in the relationship (admittedly a big one) and so quite honestly it just feels easier to pay for what I need and get on with life.

Read OP’s posts, she has literally said she knows his salary

Agreed - but the OP is barely making sense so we have to go with the info we have

But do you have full transparency? Do you know exactly what he earns and what all the out goings are? Of course this works both ways.

I mean we have a similar setup in that I pay for mostnof the kids stuff and DH pays for the house bills as he earns a lot more then me. BUT, we both can see exactly what each other earns what is spent where and big expense and discussed and worked out how we will pay for them. So there is full and open flow of information on both sides, which is surely how any marriage/partnership should work especially if children are involved.

Your situation almost sounds like finical abuse.

@SecondFavouriteDinosaur well - I have answered that point both politely and thoroughly so it doesn’t need further probing, surely? If that frustrates you then I am sorry but DH won’t change and I’m not just going to leave a marriage with two little children like that. I can’t, even if I wanted to.

@Mrsttcno1 look, I want to be polite here but what point are you actually trying to make? I’m talking about my relationship and while that’s obviously linked with money as that’s what the thread is about it isn’t about ‘well his car costs this a month and my phone is that.’ If have posted in money matters if it was.

I agree!

OP - Will your husband point blank refuse to tell you his outgoings? Like hes hiding something?

Or is it just a difficult conversation to navigate?

He has less than her because of his own spending choices! Not because of household bills!
He IS getting his share of money after paying his outgoings HOWEVER he pays for personal things for himself and STILL wants access to ops much smaller income.

This is about a man wanting to access and control over his wife's income, he resents her having her own money.

If it doesn’t make sense then I am sorry but I’m with two very little children demanding a lot of my attention. And posts like that are upsetting and just make me feel like not bothering.

Apologies, I was just responding to the ‘why is everyone so confused?’ posts. I’ll leave now.

It’s double what mine is if I was FT. Probably closer to triple because I am part time.

Well if you don’t want to explain properly or answer questions then why are you bothering? 😂 you’ve given the bare minimum and are then saying people’s assumptions are upsetting.

What would you like your relationship to look like OP? What changes, ideally, would you like to make?

Perhaps we can work backwards from there?

This is one of the most bizarre threads i have come across in a long time.
Wish you luck OP!

You both find it impossible to have a reasonable conversation about money. How do you know for sure that every month he is left with less than you are? Do you have access to his bank statements? Does he just feel that he ends up with less than you, because he is otherwise full of resentment about money? I would want to compare the amounts that you are both left with after paying your respective bills, I wouldn't trust your DH to be truthful.

Probably is best if I step back. It’s been niggling me for a while and this afternoon I found out next month I’ll be £500 down. I’ve decided not to bother telling DH but it annoys me I have to!

I'm sorry it makes you feel like that. The thing is, lots of women, including you I think, are so used to being exploited and oppressed by men that they don't even see it. Partly because society is gaslighting us by pretending that we've got it all, and haven't we maybe gone a bit too far and aren't men in danger of becoming the victims now?

People like me want to point that bullshit out in stark and probably brutal terms so that they, and others reading, open their eyes.

It's definitely not just a you problem - you're in the majority of women and men who believe - whether they say it out loud or admit it to themselves, or not - that women should do most of the shitwork in life (ie all household and family organisation, cleaning, responsibility) and be grateful if their husbands aren't shagging around.

I can see that it might make you feel a bit crap but I don't really know what the alternative is. Women have had 'nice' liberal feminism for 50 years and fuck all has changed really, other than we now feel shit if we're not 'economically viable' with a full-time job, while being responsible for all of the above.

Does he resent that you both had another child and you are working part time?

Probably is best if I step back. It’s been niggling me for a while and this afternoon I found out next month I’ll be £500 down. I’ve decided not to bother telling DH but it annoys me I have to!

When mine got like this I created a spreadsheet with every single outgoing, sent it to him and asks where he thought we could cut money. He stopped grumbling when he realised the only things he could cut were things he liked - nice phone, virgon tv package, superseded wifi, nice food

His behavioir is designed to make you not want to ask him for financial help, what do you think he would say if you mentioned this to him?

DP and I have separate finances and prefer it that way but I can't really fathom not being on the same page when it comes to shared outgoings (which childcare would be) or not being able to discuss finances in a relationship.

I think I get why OP is annoyed at the situation but there isn't actually a solution apart from actually communicating with each other? It seems a bit defeatist to rule it out on the basis of previous digs and snide remarks. If one form of communication doesn't work there are others to try. I appreciate that the husband may be the problem here. But if you can't communicate then you can't resolve this and if you won't leave then you're just going to seethe about it indefinitely.

I suspect this is where we’re at. It’s a problem though because I think he’s rewritten history to a certain extent to make it all my fault.

I really wish people would pack it in with the comments about how bizarre it is, I don’t know how many times I can say that not only is it unhelpful it also makes me feel completely shit, not to put to fine a point upon it!

I could not put up with this. I earn less than DH because I did most of the childcare and retrained into a more family friendly job. We have a joint account and share everything. I can't be doing with this "I pay for myself and you pay for yourself."

Why are you £500 down?