Dd screams for hours if she doesn't get her own way

[whatswiththerain]

We are so exhausted with it. We put her to bed and she (dd6) will demand a drink/snack/toy/phone and scream for hours refusing to go to bed until she gets what she wants.
Of course we try not to give in but she won't stop and there gets a point where we can't take any more and give in so when we try and be stronger the next time she just fights for longer.
It's every night and bedtime is just an example, tonight she had spaghetti bolognaise and wanted cheese on top she got that and ate the cheese first and screamed and refused to eat anymore without more cheese.
If we give a consequence she'll scream and scream about it and as much as we know giving in is the problem, it's become so much of a problem that it takes over the whole evening and nighttime until we are so exhausted with her we just have to give in because we have no energy left and need to go to bed.
I know we've done this ourselves but I don't know to change it now it's done.

What did you do and say when she asked for more cheese?

We said no but she went on and on and screamed the house down refusing to eat it until I put more cheese on.

She has learnt that screaming works. You need to tell her it won’t anymore.

Does she have supper before bed? What ia your bedtime routine?

Time to sort this out before she gets bigger and stronger. What consequences is she getting for the bad behaviour? Or rewards for going to bed/eating nicely?

Barring ND, I'd buy some good noise cancelling headphones, make her bedroom a safe place, and spend a few days setting some new boundaries. Offer clear choices (this or that), stick with her decision and if she screams let her crack on until she calms down then try again. Lots of praise when she's listening and working with you though!

Well, you said yourself that giving in to her has made her worse. The only way to fix it is to get your stubborn head on. REFUSE to back down. Simply refuse. Never give in. She will learn that she can kick off for a couple of hours if she wants but she STILL won't get her way so there's no point wasting the effort.

We eat about 5 and then she has a shower and relax bedtime is around 7 she is very tired by then.

Have you tried setting the rules upfront, so that she knows what they are? E.G., yes of course you can have some cheese with it, but you need to eat the whole meal, once it’s on. I appreciate you can’t anticipate everything that is coming, but at least this way, she knows why you’re holding your ground when she kicks up a fuss.

Is she the same at school?

Far too big to behave this way, consequences and stick with them. Then shut the door and let her scream.

Absolutely no chance I'd have put more cheese on. She knows that if she screams she will get what she wants. I'd put up with a week of not caving and see if she starts to learn that it won't make any difference.

Because screaming and screaming and screaming = mummy and daddy give in. Then it just reinforces the behaviour. From tomorrow you DO NOT give in, even if she screams for 5 hours. She will eventually learn, give it a couple weeks and you’ll notice a huge difference.

Does she have supper so she isn’t hungry/thirsty? Stories and cuddles in bed.

I assume you've spoken to school staff about this. What do they say about it? Can she behave at school and do as asked? If she can she can do it for you.

You're being ruled by a tiny terrorist.

Stop giving in - she's learning a very negative lesson that screaming and tantrumming gets her exactly what she wants. At 6, it's one thing but in a few years time, you'll deeply regret giving in.

Like a PP said, put some headphones on and let her crack on.

She's 6, not a baby. Tell her to pack it in, give her two warnings then scrape her dinner in the bin, carry her to her room and leave her there. She won't do it again.

You know how to fix it.

You need to tag team, pick a couple of days where there's no work or school over a weekend or whatever works for you all and get it sorted. She needs to learn quickly that this behaviour will no longer be tolerated and she will not get her own way and that you and dad are a team. Take it in turns, an hour before you tap out and DH steps in.

It'll be exhausting, she'll cry, you might cry but do NOT give in.

With the cheese issue I would have said I will get you some more cheese when you’ve eaten some of the spag bol.

She is meant to have her friend come over on Saturday so we've said she won't get to but she shouts no and screams and fights about it, she has such anger and hatred in her and won't calm down until she gets her way.

I know its just an example you used but i think it's pretty normal to want cheese on spag bol. I am not sure why that one became an argument?

Could you make sure you take a drink and a biscuit up to bed with her?
Do you think the return to school might be a factor?

You gave in so she now knows she’ll get more cheese if she screams. You need to stay strong and stick to no. Remove her from the table if she won’t stop.

Exactly.

Agree with the others. There's no easy way. Pick a few consecutive days and ride it out. Don't get into a discussion with her or try to justify yourself after the first couple of times. I usually found an explanation the first no, a short explanation the second time using "remember, I said..." and then after that a simple "no." Or whatever.
Good luck! Takes some patience but will be easier for all of you after.

Could she be behaving this way as she feels she has little control over things? I don't know, but perhaps grating the cheese and putting it on a plate next to her spaghetti so she has the choice to put as much or as little on/add more etc might mean that shes less likely to kick off (I know we're all getting fixated on the cheese here). I appreciate it sounds like you've got yourself into a bad habit with giving in with her, but some things are easier to say yes to if there isn't really any real reason to say no. Kids thrive off of respectful boundaries but only if they understand why and aren't just being told 'no' all the time.

She has a sticker chart and does get lots of praise when she's good but she shares a bedroom with an older sister so there's also her to consider who is very well behaved.

won't calm down until she gets her way

You have no way of knowing that. Because she always gets her way.