Dd screams for hours if she doesn't get her own way

[whatswiththerain]

We are so exhausted with it. We put her to bed and she (dd6) will demand a drink/snack/toy/phone and scream for hours refusing to go to bed until she gets what she wants.
Of course we try not to give in but she won't stop and there gets a point where we can't take any more and give in so when we try and be stronger the next time she just fights for longer.
It's every night and bedtime is just an example, tonight she had spaghetti bolognaise and wanted cheese on top she got that and ate the cheese first and screamed and refused to eat anymore without more cheese.
If we give a consequence she'll scream and scream about it and as much as we know giving in is the problem, it's become so much of a problem that it takes over the whole evening and nighttime until we are so exhausted with her we just have to give in because we have no energy left and need to go to bed.
I know we've done this ourselves but I don't know to change it now it's done.

I honestly don’t think the anger and hatred is deep. It’s a reaction when she doesn’t feel in control and she has learnt that screaming like this gets her what she wants. It’s going to be hard but you and your DH have to work as a team to win. As others have said, headphones on. Once ‘no’ has been established, do not react or give attention or communicate. You need to win now before she grows up and this becomes a bigger problem. As others has also said, if she can behave at school she can behave for you. If you have given the consequence her friend will not be stopping, you also need to stick at that. It’s hard being a parent and they can’t always like you. I remember my mum saying to me when I was little that she loved me and always would but she did not like my behaviour. Hit hard.

What I would do.

Order noise cancelling headphones.
Wait until the next time she is calm.
Explain to her that:

• Screaming at people in this manner can hurt them/can cause pain
• The next time she screams at you or anyone else that way for the sake of screaming, it will be considered similar to hitting.
• So now she gets a calm down countdown from 5-1.
• If she gets to 1, there will be a consequence (such as a toy being taken away for a day / no screens or whatever suits the situation), and you and your partner put the headphones on and just ride it through until she unlearns the habit.

I’d also look for behaviour videos on kids YouTube for her to watch to see things from a different perspective. This behaviour sounds really controlling, and I wonder if she doesn’t feel heard or in control around school friends etc so I’d try to give her as much choice and control around simple daily activities where the choice doesn’t matter.

A six year old has a phone? What on earth for? Take it off her as aoon as you can. Honestly this will be part of the problem, phones are all about "instant reward". She'll be losing any ability for patience, regulating her own emotions, using her imagination. Neither of my kids had a phone til they were 14. My now 19 year old says it was the best parenting decision I ever made, and thanks me for it

If she’s not eating it because she’s screaming she probably doesn’t want it !
force feeding kids and having a screaming argument isn’t a healthy balance either!

(child is also probably full of after school sweets! - which is why I suggest that is also something to stop!)

Gosh, I bet you and your DD are exhausted ❤️There is a childrens version of The Inner Chimp which is really great.
I remember seeing a real difference in my son at this age and really the only that worked was me staying calm (really hard!), listening and being consistent. Also picking my battles (is it worth arguing over this?) and trying not to take it too personally because he was emotionally disregulated not attacking me.
Take it back to basics in terms of needs… is she tired, is she hungry etc. Also don’t fall in to the trap of trying to rationally discuss things when she is frustrated because her brain just can’t listen and take it in.
How is she at school? x

I also have a 6 year old who sounds (although not quite as bad) very similar. We have definitely found that since she has been back at school, she is worse. She is much more tired and by the time tea time comes around she’s is ‘hangry’ and really struggles to control the emotion. The more we were telling her off/putting her in her room, the louder she would scream. I know she’s not like this at school and in general she is a sweet, funny little girl but we were walking on eggshells! Funnily enough, she is exactly the same with her cheese too! I now will give her a small bowl with the cheese in and she can use it as she wants but I make it clear that’s all there is. This seems to work. I’ve definitely found that by also doing the following, things have improved:

• No screen time on weekdays. I didn’t realise how much this was impacting her behaviour, even in small doses. She did kick off when we orginally told her no iPad but she soon forgot about it.
• We give her tea (along with her brother) earlier, about 4ish instead of 5pm-5:30pm. This seems to give her a little more energy and she doesn’t get to the hangry stage. If she wants a snack/supper before bed then she does.
• I start bedtime routine earlier, around 6pm, rather than 7pm and that was she is usually sound asleep by 7pm after a couple of stories.

I do believe for her it’s more of a tiredness/hangry issue than general bad behaviour. They are still so little 😢

Good luck!

@whatswiththerain

Just curious to know if you've tried any of the suggestions you've been given and how it's going.

You definitely need to just stop giving in to her tantrums. Eventually she'll get the message but if she doesn't maybe look into child counselling?
Is it possible she is neurodivergent or has childhood depression or anxiety? It could just be bratty behaviour but if you feel you are being firm/fair but she's really not listening there may be underlying factors like autism or mental health issues.

Discussing emotions throughout the day would be useful (not just when she’s having a meltdown) Such as “how does that make you feel” when having a bath, eating nice food, dropping something, etc. and labelling the emotion with her. Then if it’s a negative emotion- “what can we do to feel less sad/angry/tired etc.
Also do you have anything as a positive reinforcement thing in place such as a sticker chart? I know she seems old for it but sometimes going back to basics with that focus/goal can help with behaviour. Such as if she gets enough stars that day she gets to choose a yummy treat to eat (or whatever you know will motivate her).