Dd screams for hours if she doesn't get her own way

[whatswiththerain]

We are so exhausted with it. We put her to bed and she (dd6) will demand a drink/snack/toy/phone and scream for hours refusing to go to bed until she gets what she wants.
Of course we try not to give in but she won't stop and there gets a point where we can't take any more and give in so when we try and be stronger the next time she just fights for longer.
It's every night and bedtime is just an example, tonight she had spaghetti bolognaise and wanted cheese on top she got that and ate the cheese first and screamed and refused to eat anymore without more cheese.
If we give a consequence she'll scream and scream about it and as much as we know giving in is the problem, it's become so much of a problem that it takes over the whole evening and nighttime until we are so exhausted with her we just have to give in because we have no energy left and need to go to bed.
I know we've done this ourselves but I don't know to change it now it's done.

If you want it to change you have to stay consistent. No backing down when tired/had a hard day etc. You have to make a choice as a family to tackle this head on or it will get worse. She needs clear direction before, during and after.

You need to start by explaining to her that it is ok to feel annoyed of frustrated when she doesn't get what she wants but it is not ok to scream. Explain that inside voices are to be used and ask what she feels she can do if she feels annoyed. Come up with something together such as shake it out or hold your fingers up and she has to blow them out like candles on a cake.

Check she has heard what you are asking to do eg "You can have 1 portion of cheese. Once it has been eaten there will be no more cheese. How many portions of cheese can you have? 1 that's right!"

She will inevitably scream the first few times but you really need to stay firm and ride it out. Once she has calmed right down and it's been a little while since the screaming to back to "It's ok to feel annoyed it's not ok to scream. Shall we practice (shake it off or whatever you decide to do)"

What ever you do you do not yell at her for yelling as its completely counter productive

What are you afraid of? Let her scream. She has learnt that screaming gets results but she cant scream forever. Honestly you need to stand up to a six year old.

'crack her'? JFC.

Idk what you have on the sticker chart but it should be a daily thing. We worked with a child psychologist when dd was 6. She had a sticker chart with easier and more difficult things on and dd earned points and could get things from the points. So she could choose to spend the points or accumulate them eg 10 points a magazine, 20 points a hair accessory, 50 points a day trip to a favourite place. If I was doing this again, I’d have one of them as no screaming (albeit I’d rather it was a positive statement than a negative eg calm voices but that doesn’t work as well). In the beginning that will be hard so I would give 2 warnings ie 2 episodes, where she calms down once you’ve warned her and still earn the sticker. If she does it a 3rd time, the sticker can’t be earned. I also used to confiscate a treasured item (never a comfort toy) for really bad behaviour for 24 hours and longer if the poor behaviour continued. I did tell dd the ground rules first to prevent it from being punitive.

As for tackling the screaming, cast iron boundaries are needed. Decide what you will and won’t accept and the consequences and follow through.

I wouldn't have an issue with giving her more cheese if she wants it or a drink or snack at bedtime. I would say no to the toy or phone at bedtime. As others have said, it's worth thinking really carefully about what you need to say no to and what isn't worth the battle. Then you have your list of non-negotiables which you can communicate with her very clearly on in advance and consistently and be a united front on as well. If she's screaming and disturbing her sister in bed I would move her to another room where she can scream and not disturb her. She's working through big feelings so it's important to try to stay calm, give her space and be there for her emotionally. I would recommend the 'peaceful parenting' website and Laura Markham's books too as well as the explosive child book.

Good advice here. But also pick your battles, why couldn’t you let her have more cheese? A bit arbitrary boundary. Make sure you have clear, consistent and logical boundaries / rules, communicate them and once you established them DO NOT GIVE IN

This^ pick your battles.
And never threaten if you are not going to implement the threat.
Make sure that she is not tired, hungry or overexcited it might. It usually makes things worse.

This. Warn the neighbours that she's actually not being murdered and just let her scream. Tough.

I try and separate children's requests into two categories. Things they've asked for that seem unusual but are actually harmless and things that really are unreasonable requests.

For example, mummy can we go and look in that bin? (This is a real example). My first thought was of course not. But actually it's safe, it's harmless, it doesn't cost money or involve a huge investment of time and energy. So my answer was yes, we can look in the bin to see what's in there.

Same with stuff like, can I watch the same episode of the same programme ten times in a row, can I go and stand in that puddle (in sensible shoes), can I put stickers on my face etc.

I'd class the cheese request in that category. Unless there's a particular reason why she shouldn't be allowed to eat cheese or it's becoming an excessive amount of cheese, I really don't see the harm in it. I sometimes go and grate myself some more cheese for pasta.

So, ask yourself is it dangerous, is it reasonable?

When it is dangerous or it is genuinely unreasonable, you explain very clearly the rationale behind your decision. Children like things to make sense. They have a strong sense of unfairness. So you can just take things away or punish them unless it's clear why it's happening.

Don't just say no. Explain why it isn't a good idea.

When the answer is no, you never ever go back on that. I don't need to explain what happens if you show that your word is inconsistent.

Keep saying no, keep explaining yourself. Remain empathetic. You can say things like, I appreciate this isn't what you wanted and it's upsetting for you. But don't get emotional. Don't shout. Don't show that you're stressed or at breaking point. Keep calmly saying no and explaining why.

It might be that you need to spend a while on this to break this habit but eventually the message will get through.

Also she might just be hungry if you eat at 5 and go to bed at 7, offer her milk and banana before bed - something simple and carby. Hunger often means tantrums

Short term pain for long term gain.

Take a few days off work so you can sleep whilst she’s at school. Tell her that things are changing and follow through. Sympathise how you know it’s hard for her, but from now on you will say it twice and then you will ignore her. And follow through with the grey rock.

I know how incredibly tough this kind of behaviour is. I’d also be wondering if anything else is going on. Has she always struggled with boundaries and regulating her emotions? I’d be ruling out any other issues first and then having a clear chat with her and explaining that things are going to change and set clear but firm boundaries with lots of empathy and support when she’s kicking off while not caving. So rather than repeatedly saying no once you’ve set the boundary which can inflame the situation, acknowledging that you can see that she’s really upset and she really wanted more cheese and empathising that it must be tough this avoids that constant head to head battle. Also remaining very calm whilst doing this and adding in some humour or distraction too. In the first instance I’d choose your battles carefully and not to head to head with everything. I had a very explosive child who was struggling with anxiety and some other health issues and this approach has worked really well. I imagine she’s also very tired if bedtimes are a battle too which will make her behaviour worse and it’s worth looking at her diet too, is she getting plenty of protein throughout the day and not too much sugar, to balance her blood sugar levels as this can make a difference. I also found reducing any tv to a minimum was a game changer for my child too. If bedtimes are a big issue can you switch up her routine to add in something new that she’ll really enjoy. I hope things improve for you.

You are adults with a lifetime of experience. Your DD is 6. You can out wit her and out wait her. You and your DH need to look at each other in the eyes, steel yourselves and be ready to stick by your guns.

When she next does this, let her scream. Remain calm, let her know that screaming will not get her what she wants. Just let her get on with it. Give her as little attention as possible. It might take days, but you can do it.

Good luck!

My BIL is a very unpleasant selfish man who expects to always get his own way. He will get angry and verbally abusive and cut contact for long periods if everything isn't just how he wants it. It doesn't work with DH and me however he has caused MIL so much unhappiness over the years.

I've known him since he was a small child. One day, after a big bust-up, she asked me again and again why he was so selfish and nasty and didn't think of others. I gave her a couple of examples of how he'd ruled the household when he was little. (FIL was very meek and mild and would get a hard time from MIL if he tried to enforce any discipline).

Her answer: "He screamed and screamed until he got what he wanted so what could I do?" Says it all really.

One of my own kids was very "spirited" and I had to seriously take him on at the age of three. We had a few tough weeks until he realised he wasn't in charge of the family and he was a lovely boy from then on.

It can be done and you really have to do it, however hard at the time.

Never negotiate with terrorists. If she won't go to bed when she's meant to, turn out the downstairs lights, leave her downstairs and go up to bed yourself. Tell her you're off to bed and she can come and have a cuddle and a bedtime story or stay down in the dark by herself. They get bored and lonely pretty quickly downstairs by themselves.

How many times have you actually followed through. E.g. 'if you don't tidy your room then we won't go to the cinema on Saturday' or 'you wanted spag bol, asked for cheese, and then refused to even eat a quarter of it so you'll now go to bed without any tea' etc.

At six, she's smart enough to know that if she keeps up the screaming/whingeing long enough she'll get her own way.

Assuming she's not ND then this is simply a case of you needing to be completely consistent with the rules you set out and the consequences you explain. You and your partner (and any other adults) need to work as a team and be completely consistent. You'll likely have a few days - maybe even a couple of weeks - of endless screaming. But once she learns it's your way or the highway then she'll change.

This is another great shout. Choices can be a brilliant way of getting them to do what you want.

Do you want to wear the blue shoes or the red shoes? Either way, they're putting on shoes.

She keeps screaming because she knows youll give in. If you put your foot down with her, shell realise she's wasting her energy and settle for what she has.
Dont respond to the demands, dont cave in. Just ignore, dont even give her the attention she wants.

I know from experience, i went through it with my youngest daughters and it is bloody hard work, but giving in is the worst thing you can do

you need to tell her no then completely ignore the screaming, go about your business as if you can’t hear her, put headphones on if you have to. She will eventually stop. My eldest has asd and he used to roll round on the floor screaming to get what he wanted, I didn’t give in but once I started completely ignoring the behaviour he stopped doing it.

Put headphones on with loud music and ignore. She'll get the hint eventually.

Just want to say im so glad to see a parent who acknowledges asd is not an excuse for bad behaviour and treats people with it like any other child

She sounds autistic. I’m not condoning her behaviour, I just say it as an autistic person who had similar issues as a kid. It’s maybe worth speaking to the GP.

also, is she getting enough sleep? You say she goes up to bed at 7. When does she actually tend to go to sleep? Does she sleep through or wake up throughout?

Oh goodness...This is how one would reinforce behaviour- Your Daughter has basically ''trained'' you to give in to screaming.

Children are quick to learn if a parent is likely to give in- and they can really put the pressure on with the decibels.

This a battle you HAVE to win. She needs to get the message that you will reward good behaviour, not bad.

Put earplugs in and ignore her. She's controlling you.