Dd screams for hours if she doesn't get her own way

[whatswiththerain]

We are so exhausted with it. We put her to bed and she (dd6) will demand a drink/snack/toy/phone and scream for hours refusing to go to bed until she gets what she wants.
Of course we try not to give in but she won't stop and there gets a point where we can't take any more and give in so when we try and be stronger the next time she just fights for longer.
It's every night and bedtime is just an example, tonight she had spaghetti bolognaise and wanted cheese on top she got that and ate the cheese first and screamed and refused to eat anymore without more cheese.
If we give a consequence she'll scream and scream about it and as much as we know giving in is the problem, it's become so much of a problem that it takes over the whole evening and nighttime until we are so exhausted with her we just have to give in because we have no energy left and need to go to bed.
I know we've done this ourselves but I don't know to change it now it's done.

That's why autism is now best understood as a spectrum.

So does this mean there are many children who would be considered mildly autistic without having to go through all the speculation, assessments & labels, especially if in the end they grow up and become successful adults who cope well with their individual differences. There must be countless successful adults on the autistic spectrum who have no desire to be assessed or labled. Surely that's OK as long as they are happy.

And there are many who remain undiagnosed who adapt and function well as adults (sometimes helped by a non autistic partner) and even use their autistic traits to achieve highly in a chosen profession. However this is a case of a child who is clearly not coping and is causing their parents significant distress. The reality is standard parenting techniques are often ineffective in children with autism, particularly those whose behaviours are a result of sensory sensitivities.

Indeed

of course, the general rule of thumb on pushing for assessment now is if its impacting their education/behaviour to such a point of being disruptive.

The biggest problem is that often that girls fly under the radar, they mask more as younger children, so often only the profoundly affected are spotted, then what happens is they get to 12/13/14 and start struggling, then have issues with their GCSE/A levels, burn out, then end up having MH problems on top of the ASD.

Early detection can help prevent that, it's worth seeking one, even with 'mild' autism because it may not always BE mild... remembering grading it as 'mild' is often more to do with how their autism impacts the people around them, not the person themselves.

Not, really no. The difference between developmental delay, parental over-indulgence or over exposure to social media comes out when the multidiscplinary assessment is done. It is - or should be - a differential diagnosis looking at all the possible causes and getting observations from different people who see the child in different circumstances SALTs and clinical psychologists are usually pretty good on this - I watched as the SALT methodically revealed a shedload of things I and everyone else had taken for granted that my (hghly verbal, outgoing, smart) DC understood but he just didn't.

I wouldn't expect most teachers or SENCOs to tell the difference, certainly not reliably. Given the long delays in getting any kind of assessment most parents will already have been referred for parenting classes (I was and they helped a bit) and tried everything else before they ever get as far as a diagnosis.

Is she autistic? Sounds like it.

What do you mean taker ‘her’ phone to bed? She’s 6.,? Why on earth does she have a phone?

I absolutely cannot believe you have given your 6 year old child a phone. It’s of no importance that it doesn’t have a sim in it. That’s appalling. Everyone is going to be judging you, quite rightly. Read the research on devices and children. Addiction. It’s there in black and white. Just read it. Why do researchers spend time doing research when you just get parents who are too lazy to have any regard for it. It’s done to protect the child. Which is a parent’s job but clearly some parents are unable to actually parent. Unbelievable.

I don't disagree with what you're saying, but did you know this is actually a very common age for a child to get their first phone nowadays??

I was so shocked when I read that but it's true

It's reassuring to know there is a multidisciplinary assessment with a differential diagnosis before an actual diagnosis of autism. Personally speaking if it was my child I wouldn't be perturbed by the long waiting list for an assessment. If I felt my child was difficult to understand or had behavioural issues I'd welcome an interim parenting class if it was available before the assessment procedure and all it entails.

I'd say so.

One member of my mum's side of the family has a formal diagnosis of high-functioning Autism. (Asperger's was the diagnosis at the time, but I believe we're not supposed to say that?) He's done very well for himself.

His diagnosis helped us understand a lot about our family has a whole. I got a diagnosis of OCD at the age 36. Now in my 60s and it's been suggested that i have ASD plus ADHD. ( I don't see the point in looking for a formal diagnosis. I did mention it to my GP and she just said "What's normal?)

I recall speaking to an autistic teen at work one time and it was like looking at a male version of myself at the same age - quiet at times and then possibly disclosing too much, whilst going off at a tangent. I still have a tendency to do that, but I'm more aware of it now.

Eye contact has always been a problem for me. I used to fake it in the classroom.

My mum used to hide behind her mother. As an adult found it very difficult to speak to people. Her uncle lived with my grandparents. He'd retreat to his hut if visitors came to the house.

Mum's cousin did get married - his wife made all the running - but could only cope with his immediate family.

Having said all that, we've all had fairly good lives. My social interaction is not what it should be. I managed at work because schoolteachers put on a show when they're teaching anyway.

Yes and GAPS was developed originally to heal autism. Autistic children have heavy metal toxicity as well as immune dysregulation and gut dysbiosis. GAPS=Gut and Psychology Syndrome https://www.gaps.me

This.
Warn the neighbours and resolve to go for it for your own sanity.
If she screams you take her calmly to her room and put those headphones on. Ignore her. If she behaves, lots of attention.
It'll be hell but much better in the long run.

Has she been ill at all recently? We are facing similar, out of nowhere…suspect possible Pans/pandas, it’s horrific

School have set boundaries, you haven’t.
leave the toy at home.
if she insists on taking the toy to school, leave it with the office till Friday/end of month/end of term.
tell her she can have sweets from the shop on a Friday if she’s been good. They are not an everyday occurrence. …. If she is having sweets at 3.30 that’s probably a contributing factor to her not wanting to eat at 5pm properly!

she’s 5. She understands more than you think! & she’s controlling you! But she doesn’t really know what is best.
I would tell her you love her, because you always will, but at the moment you don’t like her behaviour and that it needs to change.

send her to bed without any dinner. Tell her she has 20/30 minutes to eat it and then the plates are being cleared, or put in the fridge. If she’s hungry you could reheat it once an hour or so later.

you’ve got to follow through!!! whatever you say, say it calmly before she kicks off and follow it through.

cheese, “no you’ve had your share, we need some left for tomorrow“…. “I’ve finished my dinner, I’m washing up in ten minutes, including your plate”.

send her to bed without any dinner
That will go down well here!

I never like to leave a child to scream. Ideally I prefer it is they don’t start but kids have a way of doing what we do not want them to.
I wonder about changing her bed time routine. Can she have a substantial snack at about 4? I wonder if she is so tired and hungry by five that she is beside herself.
She can then have her main meal with the family at five or six. Do the children help choose and prepare meals? If she does this together with her sister perhaps the meal time could be come fun rather than a power struggle. If there is cheese let them grate their own cheese, slowing the process down takes away the speedy gratification and the activity distracts her from the scream. After the meal get hem to clear the table together and then prepare themselves a snack ready to eat before bed.
Have a quiet story, let them take turns reading or describing the pictures. And then bed time, they run thd bath together and add the bubbles. Sing gently with them whilst they are soaking. Then nice big warm towels and let them choose their pajamas.
if you all climb into her sisters bed and talk about your days and you slow your breathing and gradually speak less you may find her drowsiness quietens her. You can move her into her bed when she is asleep.
Often strong willed screaming children are worried or frustrated and create s viscious circle of tension. Try to break that by calm, quiet and letting her have choices.
Do you have a calm kind adult who could come and help you for a week? Very often children behave admirably for an “Aunty”. It might just give you the opportunity as a family to have some quiet non frustrating time.
Good luck. You are not bad parents, you are parents going through a challenging time. We pretty much all have them at some point

not really sure why everyone is still replying to the OP itself when the op hasn't posted since wednesday last week.

@JillMW

how do you have warm towels? Most people aren’t putting the heating on yet.

By putting the heating on? It's not that hard to work out surely?

I and most people I know have had the heating on a few days now, it is September!

By putting the heating on? It's not that hard to work out surely?

I and most people I know have had the heating on a few days now, it is September!

We've all been there! Time to put boundaries in place, otherwise it will get worse and she will become a total brat. Try and soothe her, " I know it's tricky when you can't have more cheese, when you've eaten your pasta, you can have some more". Choose your battles, but stick to your guns like your life depends on it. She will learn, if you feel like you might crack change of face with your partner and leave the house. Lots of praise and rewards for desired behaviour I've always done a snack at bedtime, it was one less battle for the day.

This! She’s learned screaming gets her what she wants as you just cave to her demands. If she’s safe (ie in her bedroom) shut the door and let her scream it out.

very different but my dd went through a phase of getting up when put to bed. For a few nights, I was at it for 2-3 hours quietly taking her back to bed. She got the idea. Never had an issue since.

You'll only make things worse giving in and letting her have her own way.

Yeah no doubt the screen addiction is not helping. It is so harmful