Dd screams for hours if she doesn't get her own way

[whatswiththerain]

We are so exhausted with it. We put her to bed and she (dd6) will demand a drink/snack/toy/phone and scream for hours refusing to go to bed until she gets what she wants.
Of course we try not to give in but she won't stop and there gets a point where we can't take any more and give in so when we try and be stronger the next time she just fights for longer.
It's every night and bedtime is just an example, tonight she had spaghetti bolognaise and wanted cheese on top she got that and ate the cheese first and screamed and refused to eat anymore without more cheese.
If we give a consequence she'll scream and scream about it and as much as we know giving in is the problem, it's become so much of a problem that it takes over the whole evening and nighttime until we are so exhausted with her we just have to give in because we have no energy left and need to go to bed.
I know we've done this ourselves but I don't know to change it now it's done.

It's no use having a consequence that's several days away. It has to be a here and now consequence, and you have to weather the fall out.

She won't eat any more unless you put cheese on? You tell her they're is no more cheese, and there's no alternative to the food on her plate. If she doesn't eat it, then it goes in the bin and there's nothing else. It's harsh, but it's got to the point where you have no alternative to being harsh AND FOLLOWING THROUGH WITH IT. She's got away with this for so long, you've left yourself with no other strategy.

As someone else said, tag team so you each get a break, but with the commitment that whoever is 'on' doesn't give in.

A lot of behavioural problems from kids get blamed on parents not being strict enough, and it’s often not true and further damage is done by escalating strictness. Sounds like this little girl is really struggling to manage her emotions.
Have you read the explosive Child OP?

Have you had a doctor check her for ND, OP?

What are you afraid of, of let's say if she screams at you, for you to be stern and have enough strict, angry and you mean it business looks on your face, telling her to stop and come down to earth and that life does not work that way?!!!

Honestly I'd just stop serving that as a meal for a while and make a different dish. Early bedtime drink and snack is normal. Something a little carby with a little protein - banana or apple and peanut butter or biscuit and yoghurt. No toy or phone, book only.

DD managed five hours screaming once I sat and read a book when she saw it wasn't working she tried ripping my book out of my hands so I stood up and continued to read so she screamed and howled and raged and I read she even asked for a drink halfway through which I gave her and she then began again 🤷‍♀️ at one point I took my book out in the garden she followed screaming banging her head off the grass the neighbours were fascinated how long she lasted ultimately she stopped but that was her longest episode she was also three by six I would expect better

I'm not sure it's a good idea to give this advice to OP. It's best just to be clear with a child who has got used to getting their own way, so that they know that when you say No you mean No. At least until they have stopped having tantrums. You're just blurring boundaries if you say no to some things and yes to others. OP's DD has to learn that OP is boss - end of.

Second this!

I am ND and after being at my wits end with my youngest after feeling accomplished with my older two I was lost.

Aside from awaiting the results of her ASD assessment, I have hammered down on choices. My SIL is an ABA and provided some much needed help recently. Even basic choices ‘are you hungry? Yes or no?’ Allow the brain to process so much easier, so closed questions/choices. Open questions are so hard and consequences hard to fathom. As an example for your situation (but too far ahead for just starting out with ‘choices’)

‘this is your cheese, would you like to put it on yourself? Yes or no?’

’I hear you want more cheese but you’ve run out, when you can respond calmly/quietly we can talk about more cheese’

’do you want friend to come on Saturday? Yes or no?’

’we need to make sure we use our calm/quiet voice to talk to eachother’

’when you have had enough to eat of your meal then we can talk about friend coming over’

It’s really hard but you’re going to have to put in some hard work that will be tiring and you’ll likely lose sleep and feel like you’re getting nowhere, but with consistency and integrating tools like this you will improve the chances of reducing the emotional distress she is experiencing as well as your own.

You CAN do it and it is in hers and your best interests to be consistent ♥️

I recently saw a clip of Super Nanny where she was dealing with a very similar little girl. The family were desperate.

This book is pretty good:

https://drrossgreene.com/the-explosive-child.htm

Never, never ever say ‘no’ to a child or threaten consequences for something and fail to follow through. Think very carefully about the things which are really important. When you do threaten consequences or say ‘no’ however long it takes however hard it is you must just keep going. Let her scream.

Of course because she does it because she does get her way. You need to let her scream and not get her way.

I’m in a similar position. My son is on the pathway to be diagnosed with autism/adhd - just for context. He screams and cries at the top of his lungs, hits and lashes out. It can go on for a long time and in the end I end up giving in because he’s always in tears and I cuddle him and give him what he wants because I feel like it’s my fault that he’s got into that state. I’m also a single parent so it all falls on me to ‘deal with’ so I probably do give in too quickly or I’ll end up crying and screaming with him. It’s exhausting and emotional and the worst part is that there is no right or wrong answer or solution.

This. Well said @Maria1979
I'm interested to know what she's like at school.

Also, this article:

https://www.peacefulparenthappykids.com/read/8-year-old-tantrums-is-this-normal

In short, she's looking for a boundary from you. You need to say no, calmly and kindly, and then compassionately help her to work through her feelings.

'We said no but she went on and on and screamed the house down refusing to eat it until I put more cheese on.'

You must not give in.

You will have the screaming an dabs a few more times but she will then release that her screaming is no longer an effective tool in manipulating you.

If you're concerned about neighbours, and the tantrum is during the day then one of you take her out in the car and park up. No tv, no stimulation and no audience for her to scream for. It will test you but you need to break the hold she has on you.

If it's at nighttime then it's going to be harder.

I'd think of something to aim for such as having a star chart where you tick off the nights she's gone go bed without making a fuss and when it's x amounts of ticks in a row there is a small reward or treat.

I think there is also a book about parenting a defiant child.

So did she eat her dinner or was she hungry later. It sounds as if she does not have boundaries. Limit her choices, put cheese in a small pot fir her to add on the understanding no more when it is empty, for example. What do you do between school and supper? By 7 she may be overtired, put her to bed earlier. Does she get up early , fresh or exhausted?

My DD4 is a similar temperament and sometimes she will scream for hours, but it's getting less often because she's learning that all she gets out of it is a sore throat. You have to toughen up. Get some earplugs if you need to.

When you give into her, you're sending the message that she's in control, not you. That's terrifying for her. She's 6, she knows she can't be in control, someone needs to be taking charge of the situation and her parents aren't capable of it. She might be screaming for cheese but what she desperately wants is to find where the line is and see you hold the boundaries.

You can empathise, if you can get a word in between the screams, you can say, "Oh, I can see that makes you feel really bad. I like cheese too, but if we only eat cheese it's not good for us," but you can't give in.

And try to limit the amount of "No" you say if you know it's going to be a battle. I'm guessing part of the reason you gave in on the cheese was because it wasn't actually that big of a deal to you. She doesn't know that, she thinks you made a choice for her health and then immediately u-turned when it got tough. If you just said yes to start with then you wouldn't have reinforced bad behaviour.

You need to stand your ground for 3 or 4 standoffs and she'll learn it doesn't work. A tantrum is a lot of effort if you don't get anything out of it!

How does she behave at school?

you've been asked this several times and I can’t see an answer.

I think there’s a difference between being strict and being consistent.

You could try looking at some of the things on this profile. This is all about connecting and not getting into cycles of shouting. So a very different approach to some of the suggestions above and might be worth a try given where you are at.

www.instagram.com/peaceandparenting?igsh=ZnQzYzJzemJ0N3V2

I don't yet have much experience of 6 year old child, but have used some of ideas to help cope with situations with my toddler and I really like the sound of these methods.

Make a very visible change in the kitchen.
Like bright table cloth, party bunting or anythingbright cheerful to be noticed.
This new item is hanging
Will she ask you or mention it?
When she does say
That’s right, we are changing and doing things differently. We have a happy kitchen now.
You address both of them.

What I’m doing is being mummy, and preparing and serving family meals that they will eat. We are speaking nicely and if we don’t like something, we don’t eat it. But there is not other food … other than toast with spread. If you don’t want the food, please politely request bread with spread.
Then the kitchen is closed.

These changes are also for bath, bedtime, in shops, in the car.

If any family member wants something, doesn’t like something, had anything to say - we all speak nicely, including mum. If you think I can’t hear you, please raise your hand like at school. No shouting.
Any shouting, we all stop talking. We go home. It’s all over .
Be sure you are also directing at the sibling.
And mean it.
She has to get zero zero zero attention. Just change your mummy face down to neutral, tidy up & walk away quietly and do some other task. Leave her screaming. And next time she makes a request for a thing, activity … I need to think about it. Did you follow the new rules on Sunday? Tell me what happened on Sunday. Make her say it.

Take no shit, but do it calmly.

I don't know that it's just about stoically waiting for her to stop screaming, either.

It doesn't have to be a battle of wills. You just need to be the adult here, which is often harder than it sounds!

It sounds to me like she is trying to express some deep worry or fear. She's not getting the listening she needs, so she is screaming.

All behaviour is communication - your DD needs your help, OP. Something is bothering her and she needs you to listen, put clear and firm boundaries (rules) in place, and then gently and calmly help her to navigate her likely emotional response.

Tomorrow needs to be the start of a new chapter. And her arse needs to not touch the ground. You are in charge, no means no, and she can scream herself hoarse but you won’t give up.
You are obviously a good parent as you have one very nice child. This one has been ruling the roost and making your lives miserable. Tomorrow it stops.
Buckle up. It’s going to be tough. But you can crack her by Christmas.