Dd screams for hours if she doesn't get her own way

[whatswiththerain]

We are so exhausted with it. We put her to bed and she (dd6) will demand a drink/snack/toy/phone and scream for hours refusing to go to bed until she gets what she wants.
Of course we try not to give in but she won't stop and there gets a point where we can't take any more and give in so when we try and be stronger the next time she just fights for longer.
It's every night and bedtime is just an example, tonight she had spaghetti bolognaise and wanted cheese on top she got that and ate the cheese first and screamed and refused to eat anymore without more cheese.
If we give a consequence she'll scream and scream about it and as much as we know giving in is the problem, it's become so much of a problem that it takes over the whole evening and nighttime until we are so exhausted with her we just have to give in because we have no energy left and need to go to bed.
I know we've done this ourselves but I don't know to change it now it's done.

I’d make sure first that you and your DH are on the same page. So you talk through a plan of action and know exactly how you will give your DD consequences.
Tell your DD that screaming stops today. Tell her what consequences she is going to have.
decide on when she is allowed phone and how many treats a day. Never increase/decrease the allowance. Your daughter doesn’t know what she’s allowed and what she’s not. Tell her what the boundaries are and explain why. E g ‘no more than an hour of TV a day’ doctors say more will turn your brain into cheese (using Dahl here).
Thats it. Firm boundaries and adhere to it. In a week or so you will have a brand new child

@CurlyhairedAssassin such a balanced and helpful post, thanks. I'll try to take the advice on board for when my DD is older!

The phone really has to be a non negotiable at bed time.

I feel for your older daughter, it must be hard having to share a room when one is being rowdy, but worth getting your boundaries strong NOW rather than later on as she gets older.

I made mistakes with DC ''giving in'' for a short term bit of peace, and it was the worst thing I could have done.

Saying ''you aren't going to so XYZ because you didn't do ABC - then when the weekend came, I'd cave and let him do XYZ.

Such a mistake!

We laugh about it now {he's adult} but he says absolutely boundaries have to be kept.

Op, I feel your pain.

Your dd sounds very similar to mine - it's as if everything is a total overreaction if she doesn't get her way.

I suggest putting her to bed earlier. We noticed that my DD's demands were much worse when she was tired. She's overtired.

I do think she will improve - DD is 7 (8 in Jan 2025) and is much better than she was this time last year.

The mere hint of unreasonableness (crying for no reason, etc) I automatically think - bedtime.

Or hungry.

We have a good snack before bed and all is well.

DD used to ask for cheese etc after getting in bed ( which I have to admit sometimes giving in) but TBH she just grew out if it.

It's a control thing.

Pick your battles

However- despite my above post - I do also believe in picking your battles. In this case, I'd probably just have given more cheese! I also like to re add cheese half way through eating my dinner.

but the girl is screaming for hours- that’s not exactly fun for anyone!

It seems unnecessarily controlling to not let her have more cheese. Why pick this to fight over when you know what she's like? Limit sweets yes, but why cheese? Assuming no reason such as not enough cheese to go round etc.

My kids are mostly pretty good but if I arbitrarily tried to control what they ate they would kick off too I'm sure.

Maybe she needs more choice and control. Some things are non negotiable but let her have her own way if it doesn't matter. Or give her limited choice.

Similarly taking a toy into school. Mine sometimes wants to take a toy, she knows it has to stay in her bag or pocket, the teacher might tell her off if she gets it out in class, it might get lost. If she still wants to take the toy it's up to her.

She's 6, not a toddler. Controlling every aspect of her life is not normal. Just because her sister is good and compliant it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with your other child - she just has a different personality.

The harsh treatment suggested on here is not the answer if you want a happy cooperative child. She will learn that you're stronger than her but that is all. You need to think about the underlying reasons for the behaviour.

eg take her phone to bed

Do you mean an actual phone? Because you said she is 6 which seems... odd/unhealthy/wrong (delete as appropriate)

If its an actual phone... that should go tomorrow too.

I do agree with others about the cheese... unless shes obese...whats the problem? And who cares? My dd is younger but literally ate 3 alices or cheese and melon for lunch on sunday - no drama from us. She then sat and ate a full roast with veg for dinner with extra carrots...

Great post

She doesn't have a phone does she? I would start with taking things off her for a while like phone/tablets.
Stick with the no. Ignore and get on with somthing else .

Why has your 6 year old got a phone? She isn't going to be going anywhere without an adult.

I havent had time to read the whole thread so apologies if I am repeating something.

Being a parent of adopted children I was (am still am although they are now adults) a big advocat of theraputic parenting. And believe me, it does really work.

Stopping her friend from coming at the weekend is pointless - the punishment does not fit the crime. If she refuses to eat her food and makes a scene - just remove it. Tell her once if she doesnt eat it and keeps making a fuss then her meal time is over. She continues. Mealtime over. She will not starve by missing a couple of meals. Giv her supper - a couple of biscuits/one piece of toast is all she needs. Don't discuss it again. Tomorrow is another day. If she starts to create again at meal time - warn her and then meal time is over.

As hard as the screaming and shouting is - ignore it. Do not react. If you react she will continue to do it. Go in the kitchen, wash the pots, let her scream and shout. Go and fold some washing. Let her scream and shout. Do not reward the bad behaviour.

Stick with it. It will get better.

Of course she won’t stop screaming - it gets her what she wants. If she starts screaming, give her a warning and if she continues she goes to her room. She’s a naughty girl who is now use to getting her own way.

You may need to just tough it out a few times to get her to accept she isn't the boss of the family and then the world which you know won't end well for her.

Keep in mind a concept called the extinction burst. Its when someone is accustomed to getting their way and learns that if they just ratchet up their bad behavior the other party will eventually cave to their demands.

So as you start forcing her to follow basic good behaviors she will begin to fight back even harder, and may seem even more out of control.

What you need to do is NOT GIVE IN. No matter what! You explain to her at a quiet time that her behavior is unacceptable and that from now on you expect her to do A, B, C and that she will not get her way by screaming, crying etc.

As you enforce the rules of home expect her to go over and above her usual antics. It will grow as you continue to enforce good behavior, she may cook up some new methods of parental torture.

It will culminate in an epic showdown one day or night where you must stay calm and detached. You treat her like a toddler-keep her safe but thats all. Do not react, do not engage. If you told her that when she screams at the dinner table you'll take her plate away, you do that. Then you put her in her bedroom. etc etc.

You just have to stay strong for a little while, it usually works fairly quickly but it may feel like a century! This is for her not you-you can't allow her to grow up to be a jerk, the world has too many already.

this article explains it better than I did if you're interested. Good luck! I know you can do it

https://www.goldenstepsaba.com/resources/extinction-burst-aba

*also I don't have children so I'm definitely making it sound easier than it probably is, I'm just some internet rando who has read about this topic so take my advice w/a grain of salt

This is quite eye opening, I don't want her to grow up expecting to get her own way, she has such a cheeky endearing smile and sweet laugh that when she's happy it's quite hard to imagine she's the same child.

So do I! Plenty of grated cheddar - Yum! {but not as a reward for screaming}

But mum used to put some in a bowl for us to sprinkle- when that was gone, it was gone, and no more would be forthcoming!

When my DS did this I used to just say urgh, mummy doesn't like screaming and walked out of the room. It didn't last long after that. If he did it at tea, I would just say oh you don't like your tea, I will put it away and move it back into the kitchen and not offer anything else. I think I was quite strict but tried not to get angry. However, I now have two lovely easy going teenagers.

Because children need to be helped to develop into reasonable members of society, and children without boundaries are miserable and insecure.

Earplugs? Let her scream and don’t give in. It’s learned behaviour- I scream - I get what I want. She has to unlearn that behaviour.

Unless there's a back story just say no! Just had dd try and push what she wanted, she didn't want her salmon tea just food from the cupboard (snacks), she is aged 8... Dh and I just ignored her demands and she did eat it... honestly shocked aged 8 we suddenly got this again but friend told me it's another development stage so looking forward to that over the next few days..... Dh and I did united front on her behaviour and said no..its the salmon, potatoes and broccoli or nothing as she not hungry..dd was I'm so hungry I've no food....after 5 mins of whining that she had no food she ate her tea then a banana, apple and yogurt! Honestly children know your buttons to push....

I really would get rid of the phone and ban things like YouTube in the house.

My daughter’s behaviour would dip significantly whenever she would watch things on the iPad- in particular YouTube. Don’t really know why but the difference in behaviour was marked. I know there have been studies on it.

She wants more cheese, she’s not in distress! Can’t even believe I just typed that… She’s being a madam and some boundaries need to be set

Your 6 year old doesn’t need a phone.

Please don't let your child go to bed hungry like some 1950s parents on here have suggested. Dear lord.