About my ex using my house as a base for DS

[MyHouseIsABusStop]

Really didn't know how to title this.

I need some perspective and opinions please as I’m on the verge of going nuclear and don’t know if that’s reasonable. (I have NC for this as details could be outing and don’t want this linked to my previous posts)

My ex and I separated 10 years ago, we have a 14yr old DS that we are supposed to share 50/50, but the reality is more 60/40 or less.

I have lived in village A for the last 10years, ex lives in Town B since we split, and has since moved a further 6km to the opposite side of Town B. I moved outside of Village A a few years ago, closer to Town B and am now about 13km from Town B. Village A and Town B are 20km from each other.

My son attended primary school in Town B, where he was driven to school each day, and is now in his 3rd year of secondary school in Village A.

DS now gets a bus to school in Village A. I am lucky that the bus is walking distance from my house, about 2mins. Having done the longer commute to Town B for 8 years, this is a blessing.

However, my ex has for the last 2 years been dropping DS to my house before the bus whenever he wants to go to work early, and he leaves DS go to my house after the bus in the evenings. And despite me saying numerous times that this is not always convenient numerous times, it looks like it’s going to continue for this year again.

I have a number of issues with this:

1 - I have a BF, who I have not introduced to my DS, and it is not always convenient for DS to be dropped early and out of the blue. If my BF has stayed the night before, I need to have him up out of the house before my DS gets there. I don’t even get proper notice. It was 10pm last night when my DS text me telling me his Dad was dropping him 40mins before the bus (I hate the fact his father makes him text me about this, DS is always apologetic which he absolutely shouldn’t be). I did not see this until 6.30am this morning, at which point I had to get BF up out of bed so he was gone in time. Sad thing about this is that we hadn’t seen each other in over a week as he was away, was really looking forward to a nice lazy coffee in bed, but that couldn’t happen.

2- The evenings DS comes to my house after the bus, I would say 80% of the time even when he is supposed to be with his father, the heating needs to be turned on, I need to ensure there’s food for after school meal etc. I hate begrudging this, but it adds up, especially during the winter and I’ve never received a penny from his father due to the loose 50/50 arrangement.

The Summer was also a disaster, on the days DS father was due to pick him up, he was leaving him at my house all day until the evening. On the days DS was due to return home to me, he was being dropped at 7.30 most mornings, meaning some days, where he should have had him for 24 hours, he was having him for just over 12, not worrying about what he was going to do all day, not providing breakfast or lunch.

I’m just sick of it, just because I live 2 mins from the bus stop, I don’t see why he thinks he can just use me as a base to drop his son off to facilitate his work schedule.

I hate begrudging this, I love my son dearly, I love seeing him, but I hate facilitating his father’s work schedule, and I hate my son being apologetic because of it. I have never asked him to facilitate mine, never dropped my son to his house 45mins before primary school because I had to work and he was closer for 8 years, never left him at his house until late in the evening on my days… I just sorted my work schedule to fit around my parenting responsibilities.

Am I being unreasonable here? I’m at the verge of telling him I’m going to cancel the bus, which would mean his father would need to travel and extra 7km there and back morning and evening. I’ve thought about telling him there is not going to be a key left in the key box for my son to gain access to the house on his days, but at the end of the day it’s my son who will suffer because of this.

What can I reasonably do here?

You cannot do anything, you can't force someone to have a child more than they are willing to. I would approach this from the financial point and request he starts paying £100 a month (at least) to cover expenses but doesn't sound like that will be enforceable either - there is a reason he is a ex.

DS is old enough to know you are dating someone even if they don't meet so give him the heads up.

I would mention CMS to Ex, as he is obviously NOT having your son 50/50. See if that spurs him to do anything

However, I would still keep making sure your home is always available for your son. It's a bit of a pain but won't be forever and it's not his fault his dad is a dickwad

I'd approach it from a maintenance point. Point out to your ex that you have taken note of how often he is returning your son early and that it is no longer 50/50 so he needs to either start paying or keeping your son for the full 50%. Your ex will retaliate, probably saying some shit to your son about you not wanting him etc so be prepared.

a couple of suggestions.
1: You start doing the same to him - but won’t be nice for ds.
2: You have a clear conversation with him about 60/40 situation so you he can agree to pay some maintenance or you go to CMS.
3: You tell him you will be going away (to stay with a friend ) whenever ds is at his dads so there will be no one home.

Either way I would tell ds about your boyfriend.

I wouldn't have a problem with it. Love seeing my son when I'm not expecting it.

I would suggest that clearly the 50/50 thing isn't working, and needs to be changed to perhaps 80/20 with him seeing his dad every other weekend and perhaps ONE night a week overnight (where he picks up him from school and drops him the next day).

You can then have the child maintenance payment adjusted to cover the extra costs.

What he's doing is claiming 50% custody yet just having him sleep in a bed at his house without much of the parenting bit.

Arrange a meeting with each other to discuss this.

Is your ex likely to be spiteful - so that you tell your DS about your BF, who in turn tells his dad and then he ramps up the dropping off/not picking up just to make it difficult for you to conduct a relationship.

I too think you need to tell your DS that you have a BF. Rather than him find a BF in the house some random morning.

Another one saying mention CMS. But as that's based on overnights it might not be straightforward.

Unfortunately I don't see what you can do to get him to change his ways.

Tell your son you have a boyfriend. It a lot of 'my house', it's your son's home too.

Go through CMS as it is not 50/50.

Unfortunately there isn’t much you can do other than have a conversation with ex, although when ex is unreasonable this is easier said than done.

If that fails then go to cms. You have a case here in that you are taking on more of the expenses.

I feel sorry for your DS, it's his home and you don't want him being able to go there. I can see your Ex is being an arse, but your DS should be the prioirity and it sounds like he is getting caught in the crossfire. He really shouldn't feel like he has to apologise for coming home unexpectedly and whether you like it or not I think it is you that is making him feel like this.

Firstly tell your son you have a BF rather than treating him like a dirty, little secret who has to be squirrelled out of the house

Secondly, your Son is apologetic because you have made he feel like a nuisance in his own home.

He's 14, he's not even a little child now, and he will be aware you resent him being around.

Your 14 year old son is using your house (one of his homes) as a base. Forget the ex, focus on that. It is a good thing. He should be welcome in his home, and at that age will soon be choosing himself which home to spend time at.

The ex is using a 50/50 facade to avoid paying maintenance. I think allocation is on nights, so just start keeping a diary of how many nights DS is at each place. If you get a month or two in and are at over 60% then raise it, with evidence. The longer it goes on, the more evidence you collect, and eventually you go to CMS if necessary.

I get that the kid turning up is inconvenient when you have a boyfriend, but you need to work around that. It isn't as important as making your son feel he can come home to his own house. Tell DS to give a quick message whenever he's going to arrive out-of-schedule, make sure your phone is set to give a specific noise and priority to his messages?

Agree with gathering evidence to reduce ex's contact time to the reality and getting him to pair fair maintenance.

Thanks for all the responses so far.

I really don't want to go to CMS, he has never given me a penny and I don't want to go chasing him for it. He has been difficult even with his half of the bills so this would blow up and I don't have the energy for it. It's also based on overnights so would be a big fight to prove I'm absorbing more expenses.

For reasons I don't really want to get into, I don't want my son to be aware of my BF, not now anyway, and not for a very long time if at all. I have been a devoted mother for 10years and have managed to keep my dating life to the time when I don't have my son and I want it to stay that way.

I understand the posters saying that I'm unfair, this is DSs house too, and this is why I'm struggling. I love my son more than anything. I never let on that this is an inconvenience to me. He knows himself that when he's being dropped early and waking me up in my day off work for example, that this isn't right and this is why he is apologetic. We've both been out in a shit situation because his father can't sort out his work schedule.

I just want his father to stick to the agreed schedule we've had for 10years so I can plan my 'free time' and be the best mother I can when he is with me.

Me and his father don't talk, we communicate by text as a result of the abuse he's hurled at me over the years (had to get solicitor involved) so I want to send a text outlining this is not going to continue. If he can't schedule his time properly to care for his son, the DS needs to stay with me more.

Is this unreasonable? If not, how do I word it so the message finally gets through to him.

you can't force someone to have a child more than they are willing to

I can't disagree but someone tell me why women are the default here? Why can men behave this way and get away with it?

Definitely CMS as ex is not sticking to 50/50 and could you maybe start staying at BF's instead of him staying at yours? Ex will have to sort DS if you're not there to fill in the gaps. I get why it's pissing you off, it's nothing to do with you not wanting DS around or him not being 'allowed' in his own home, it's ex's entitlement and him shirking his responsibilities, and the fact that you are allowed to have plans for your child-free time and shouldn't need to alter them for non-emergency reasons which only benefit ex. He's not even asking if it's inconvenient for you so I would be finding a practical way to thwart him using you as default parent, like simply not being there and refusing to let DS be dropped off to an empty house when he should be with his dad.

@amoreoamicizia because it seems alot of men see themselves as the optional parent even when together, they "babysit" children to do their wives a favour. When they split up that mentality doesn't change.

Most women (or just good parents) don't want to make their DCs lives difficult or stick them in the middle so they have to suck up whatever inconveniences this causes .

Doesn't make it ok but the alternative is that DC feels stuck in the middle and unwanted by both parents and that's a terrible situation.

I never let on that this is an inconvenience to me. He knows himself that when he's being dropped early and waking me up in my day off work for example, that this isn't right and this is why he is apologetic.

Bullshit. There is nothing "not right" about the kid using his own home briefly. He's 14, and going to be moving around semi-independently. It is clear to him that you view him as an inconvenience, or he'd just be like "hi mum" raid your fridge and fuck off again casually like a normal teenage boy without apologising for it.

Stop thinking about the father, stop blaming the father. Most of your post is about the father, or you. You need to focus on the kid here.

Can you stay at your BF’s house?

Without any further information it sounds like you are being unreasonable not telling your DS about your BF, because that appears to be the main obstacle. You can’t control your ex but you need to provide a welcoming environment for DS.

Keeping your partner separate from your DS seems to be a big factor here, if he wasn't there, you wouldn't really have an issue, so seems to me the beast option is to introduce them.

Or leave him in bed and close the door so DS doesn't see him?

I'd not want to be with someone who wanted to hide me from their child forever

Thanks for your input. Your interpretation of the situation is not the reality, but appreciate your time all the same

Thank you. This is exactly how I'm feeling and what the issue is.

If his father said he can't manage and needs to go to 80/20, I would be delighted. But expecting me to pick up his slack as a parent, while pretending to be 50/50 is not on, I left this man for many reasons and I don't want to be his default back up. He needs to sort his time, just like I always have.

I could potentially stay with BF on some nights, but I also have animals that need caring for so it makes it a bit of an upheaval. His house is much further from my work as well.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable not introducing my son to BF. I can maintain a relationship if I actually did have 50/50. I don't want my son to be involved in my dating life and all the complications, emotions etc that can bring to a child. No relationship is worth making my son uncomfortable.

I would be more worried about my DS than my boyfriend.

My DC had house keys from an early age and always had access to their home.

Have I just read your 14 year old feels he has to apologise for entering his home early on your day off! Unbelievable!!!

But you need to be extremely careful that your son isn't interpreting it in the same way. It's not his fault that his parents broke up, that he has 2 homes or that you have a boyfriend over for coffee. He needs to feel welcome in either of his homes, anytime. It does sound like he is apologising for being an inconvenience.