About my ex using my house as a base for DS

[MyHouseIsABusStop]

Really didn't know how to title this.

I need some perspective and opinions please as I’m on the verge of going nuclear and don’t know if that’s reasonable. (I have NC for this as details could be outing and don’t want this linked to my previous posts)

My ex and I separated 10 years ago, we have a 14yr old DS that we are supposed to share 50/50, but the reality is more 60/40 or less.

I have lived in village A for the last 10years, ex lives in Town B since we split, and has since moved a further 6km to the opposite side of Town B. I moved outside of Village A a few years ago, closer to Town B and am now about 13km from Town B. Village A and Town B are 20km from each other.

My son attended primary school in Town B, where he was driven to school each day, and is now in his 3rd year of secondary school in Village A.

DS now gets a bus to school in Village A. I am lucky that the bus is walking distance from my house, about 2mins. Having done the longer commute to Town B for 8 years, this is a blessing.

However, my ex has for the last 2 years been dropping DS to my house before the bus whenever he wants to go to work early, and he leaves DS go to my house after the bus in the evenings. And despite me saying numerous times that this is not always convenient numerous times, it looks like it’s going to continue for this year again.

I have a number of issues with this:

1 - I have a BF, who I have not introduced to my DS, and it is not always convenient for DS to be dropped early and out of the blue. If my BF has stayed the night before, I need to have him up out of the house before my DS gets there. I don’t even get proper notice. It was 10pm last night when my DS text me telling me his Dad was dropping him 40mins before the bus (I hate the fact his father makes him text me about this, DS is always apologetic which he absolutely shouldn’t be). I did not see this until 6.30am this morning, at which point I had to get BF up out of bed so he was gone in time. Sad thing about this is that we hadn’t seen each other in over a week as he was away, was really looking forward to a nice lazy coffee in bed, but that couldn’t happen.

2- The evenings DS comes to my house after the bus, I would say 80% of the time even when he is supposed to be with his father, the heating needs to be turned on, I need to ensure there’s food for after school meal etc. I hate begrudging this, but it adds up, especially during the winter and I’ve never received a penny from his father due to the loose 50/50 arrangement.

The Summer was also a disaster, on the days DS father was due to pick him up, he was leaving him at my house all day until the evening. On the days DS was due to return home to me, he was being dropped at 7.30 most mornings, meaning some days, where he should have had him for 24 hours, he was having him for just over 12, not worrying about what he was going to do all day, not providing breakfast or lunch.

I’m just sick of it, just because I live 2 mins from the bus stop, I don’t see why he thinks he can just use me as a base to drop his son off to facilitate his work schedule.

I hate begrudging this, I love my son dearly, I love seeing him, but I hate facilitating his father’s work schedule, and I hate my son being apologetic because of it. I have never asked him to facilitate mine, never dropped my son to his house 45mins before primary school because I had to work and he was closer for 8 years, never left him at his house until late in the evening on my days… I just sorted my work schedule to fit around my parenting responsibilities.

Am I being unreasonable here? I’m at the verge of telling him I’m going to cancel the bus, which would mean his father would need to travel and extra 7km there and back morning and evening. I’ve thought about telling him there is not going to be a key left in the key box for my son to gain access to the house on his days, but at the end of the day it’s my son who will suffer because of this.

What can I reasonably do here?

READ THE THREAD !!

To the fair I have read the thread and agree with what that poster is saying.

I’m just sick of it, just because I live 2 mins from the bus stop, I don’t see why he thinks he can just use me as a base to drop his son off to facilitate his work schedule.

HIS son….Not yours too then? Sick of your own son coming into his home in the morning because his Dad needs to go to work. It’s not like he’s dropping him off so he can piss off down the pub.

As I'm a woman living on my own, I leave my key in the back of the door at night, with a chain in the door, so that a key cant be used to gain entry from the front. When my son is dropped unexpectedly, he cannot use the key he has in his key box and needs to wake me up by ringing the doorbell repeatedly.

The simple solution would be not to do this so your son can gain access to his own home and doesn't need to wake you up.
Get a ring doorbell or security camera if you are worried.

Hows that going to work when he starts going out in the evening with friends staying out till the wee hours and you have already gone to bed….Is he not going to be able to get in the house then either?

@PixieLaLar

Congrats for picking out the one time I used the term 'his son', focusing on that and not the numerous other times I referred to my son, my DC etc.

I don't care about my ex's work schedule, not my problem, I left him 10years ago. I have managed my working schedule around my parental responsibilities, which include the school run, for 10years on my own, he needs to do the same.

I will not be taking my key out/removing the chain. A ring doorbell or security camera does not physically deter someone from breaking into your house. I shouldn't need to compromise my safest overnight just in case my ex needs to drop my son off early because he hasn't arranged his working hours properly.

When my son is older, driving himself and going out at night, we will have to discuss different security measures.

When my son is older, driving himself and going out at night, we will have to discuss different security measures.

So why can’t you discuss and implement those security measures now? He is a teenager after all, not a child.

To be honest it sounds like you are coming up with excuses as to why your own son can’t gain access to his home outside of these pre-arranged time slots. You even referred to yourself as “living on my own” do you not class your son as living with you?

@PixieLaLar because it is not necessary to discuss and implement new security measures now. As I'm sure you read, my home is incredibly rural. It's not the kind of location where my son can stroll from town, or his friend's house, back home. The only way my son has to get home is by someone dropping him by car, or his school bus. There isn't even taxis. So I know my son's schedule and when he is due to be at home and obviously he has full access to the house then. The only times I don't know his schedule, is when his father drops him off early or collects late without notice to facilitate his working hours, which my son also hates by the way. So why would I compromise my safety overnight to facilitate my exs working hours?

When my son has his own transport in 4 years time or so, then I will look at how we manage access to the house when I am at home alone in bed with the key in the door and chain and deadbolt on. But it's not necessary now.

And I said 'woman living on her own' as I am the only adult that lives there, and as a woman on my own, I am in a vulnerable position when it comes to break ins, assaults etc. and need to be more mindful than those who live with others, or with a male partner, who could provide some added protection in case of a break in.