About my ex using my house as a base for DS

[MyHouseIsABusStop]

Really didn't know how to title this.

I need some perspective and opinions please as I’m on the verge of going nuclear and don’t know if that’s reasonable. (I have NC for this as details could be outing and don’t want this linked to my previous posts)

My ex and I separated 10 years ago, we have a 14yr old DS that we are supposed to share 50/50, but the reality is more 60/40 or less.

I have lived in village A for the last 10years, ex lives in Town B since we split, and has since moved a further 6km to the opposite side of Town B. I moved outside of Village A a few years ago, closer to Town B and am now about 13km from Town B. Village A and Town B are 20km from each other.

My son attended primary school in Town B, where he was driven to school each day, and is now in his 3rd year of secondary school in Village A.

DS now gets a bus to school in Village A. I am lucky that the bus is walking distance from my house, about 2mins. Having done the longer commute to Town B for 8 years, this is a blessing.

However, my ex has for the last 2 years been dropping DS to my house before the bus whenever he wants to go to work early, and he leaves DS go to my house after the bus in the evenings. And despite me saying numerous times that this is not always convenient numerous times, it looks like it’s going to continue for this year again.

I have a number of issues with this:

1 - I have a BF, who I have not introduced to my DS, and it is not always convenient for DS to be dropped early and out of the blue. If my BF has stayed the night before, I need to have him up out of the house before my DS gets there. I don’t even get proper notice. It was 10pm last night when my DS text me telling me his Dad was dropping him 40mins before the bus (I hate the fact his father makes him text me about this, DS is always apologetic which he absolutely shouldn’t be). I did not see this until 6.30am this morning, at which point I had to get BF up out of bed so he was gone in time. Sad thing about this is that we hadn’t seen each other in over a week as he was away, was really looking forward to a nice lazy coffee in bed, but that couldn’t happen.

2- The evenings DS comes to my house after the bus, I would say 80% of the time even when he is supposed to be with his father, the heating needs to be turned on, I need to ensure there’s food for after school meal etc. I hate begrudging this, but it adds up, especially during the winter and I’ve never received a penny from his father due to the loose 50/50 arrangement.

The Summer was also a disaster, on the days DS father was due to pick him up, he was leaving him at my house all day until the evening. On the days DS was due to return home to me, he was being dropped at 7.30 most mornings, meaning some days, where he should have had him for 24 hours, he was having him for just over 12, not worrying about what he was going to do all day, not providing breakfast or lunch.

I’m just sick of it, just because I live 2 mins from the bus stop, I don’t see why he thinks he can just use me as a base to drop his son off to facilitate his work schedule.

I hate begrudging this, I love my son dearly, I love seeing him, but I hate facilitating his father’s work schedule, and I hate my son being apologetic because of it. I have never asked him to facilitate mine, never dropped my son to his house 45mins before primary school because I had to work and he was closer for 8 years, never left him at his house until late in the evening on my days… I just sorted my work schedule to fit around my parenting responsibilities.

Am I being unreasonable here? I’m at the verge of telling him I’m going to cancel the bus, which would mean his father would need to travel and extra 7km there and back morning and evening. I’ve thought about telling him there is not going to be a key left in the key box for my son to gain access to the house on his days, but at the end of the day it’s my son who will suffer because of this.

What can I reasonably do here?

@Dishwashersaurous if you'd read the full thread, you would know that, due to my rural location, it's no possible for my son to just 'appear at any time'. My house is inaccessible unless you drive.

My son does change his schedule when he feels like it, for example, if my family or his dads have something going on and it's easier to stay at a different house. This is never an issue.

But in not very long he will have friends who can drive him around, or he will be able to get a cab.

Cabs are not a thing around here either... think back and beyonds!

And absolutely, when he and his friends are driving in a few years, this will change, and that is totally fine and something I'm looking forward to.

Based on your hard lines (your very particular security choices and keeping your relationship from your son) I think the CMS threat is most likely to be effective, unless the bus is cancelled.

Which of you is getting child benefit?

I would indirectly be encouraging your DS to spend more time in your calm, peaceful and emotionally nourishing home.

It seems for this stage of his education and the tricky teenage years physically and emotionally consistency and rest is important for his development. I would not want my child to be in any environment that was less than welcoming and focused on them as it erodes their self esteem. Your ex is a w**ker - to you, but also to your DS.

Well the most sensible thing is to then cancel the bus.

The his dad has to get him to school

I think I'll just keep gently reminding him that he is free to stay at home as much as he likes. We had a really good conversation the other night and I made this clear as well. I don't want to actively do anything that affects his relationship or contact with his father, but I'll be sure to remind him he's old enough now to have more autonomy about his schedule.

This will be the next step if things done improve after this.

God, what a vicious bunch of arseholes on this thread. With reading comprehension issues to boot.

OP, good on your for maintaining your own private life, and your ex is a feckless twat with no compassion.

I'd likely sit down with my son for a gentle heart-to-heart and say I didn't feel like he is being prioritised, what with all the last-minute schedule changes and unnecessary early mornings. And I'd ask would he consider sleeping at home more often than he does.

If he chooses to do that, I'd let ex know if the change via a brief WhatsApp then let CMS handle the calculations.

If, that is, you'd find it acceptable to see your BF every second weekend or whatever the new arrangement was.

You and your lad sound lovely, by the way.

A lot of posters not appreciating these points. The arrangement is 50/50 and clearly his dad gets his own free time, but is constantly leaving you on the back foot so that you can’t plan your own time.

DS also appears to be in a blended family situation at his dad’s, which must be difficult for him to navigate at that age. If your arrangement is 50/50 then what many posters are missing is the fact that he actually has two homes and should feel comfortable in both. How can he feel comfortable at his dad’s when he’s constantly bringing him home at the earliest opportunity - reinforcing the idea that he’s not part of that family and his home is with you ?

MN is a strange place sometimes. On the one hand scolding OP’s for being bad mothers and lecturing them on the ills of introducing their new partners to their kids. Here we have a mother who goes out of her way to avoid that and puts her son first. And yet she’s expected to just suck up the shit handed to her by her ex because he can’t be bothered to step up and be fair. Like I said. Strange.

@MyHouseIsABusStop OP I think this poster wins the internet for today, for so totally demonstrating that they haven’t understood one word of your OP and haven’t bothered with the updates. And based on that lack of comprehension, they’ve provided the most comprehensively smug, self satisfied and infuriatingly patronising lecture. Considering some of the self projecting shite that’s been posted on this thread, that’s quite a feat !!

Oh absolutely @Rosscameasdoody Here's a gold star of @Noononoo ⭐️

I hope they feel so good about themselves telling me how much I resent my son, how he's not loved, how I don't prioritise him, how I'm having a life long effect on his mental health by despairing at his presence... I'm so glad they were able to see this all so clearly via a virtual forum, because I knew NONE of this in actual real life, they've really, really enlightened me.

Honestly, I thought I knew what I was in for posting on AIBU, I'm here a long time, but I'm blown away by the responses on this thread.

Not one poster actually asked me how long I've been with BF, did I see a future etc but the amount of people that have told me to intro my son without this knowledge is frightening. No wonder so many kids grow up with issues and resenting their parents for people they've introduced to them if this is reflective of the actual population.

And the number of women laying the blame for my exs failings squarely at my door is just shocking. No wonder men get away with being shit parents, when misogyny and inequality is so rife even amongst the female population. We wonder why expectations of men are so low and they get away with being inadequate parents when a lot of women will just automatically blame the woman in the situation. It is truly, truly mind blowing 🤯

Don't even get me started on women berating other women who choose not to pander to men and who upholding their outdated patriarchal views.

I love that you've kept your partner away from your child. Those that aren't happy about it, also wouldn't be happy if you said this was the third partner you'd introduced your son to!

Well said.

The OP is far too clever to pay any attention to the twits posting.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, I am also the default parent so know what it's like but I do get maintenance which softens the blow

I think your text is reasonable but firm

Good luck!

He isn’t having his 50/50.. record what he has him for over the next 4 weeks and supply this as evidence and apply for child maintenance!! I bet once the application goes in he suddenly stops doing this to avoid having to pay you.

Wow, your post is a horrible combination of both mean and sanctimonious. The OP is doing nothing wrong. Her ex husband wants 50:50, I assume so that he pays no maintenance, but in reality is having his son a lot less and dropping him at his mum's house with no notice.

The OP would be happy to have her son for the majority of the time, but her ex husband wouldn't want that as he would need to pay maintenance. The current arrangement is the worst of all world for OP. You are implying that they are both as bad as each other, which is ridiculous.

No it's his dad being a cunt and not doing his half of the parenting

Just an update, I sent the text, I actually dialled it back even more, taking all emotion out and keeping to the main points. Read the message, no response. However, he did have a go at DS about me apparently, 'it's ridiculous that you need to give notice in your own home' and god knows what else he said. My son is clever though, and he is seeing his DF in a different light the last 2 years or so, and when I expressed disappointment that his father had said these things to him, he said 'Did you expect anything else though Mom?' in a knowing, sarcastic way. We then both had a good laugh.

Fingers crossed things improve. If I can just get the mornings sorted, then I'll put up the other stuff. Thanks for all the advice and input x

Your DS clearly realizes what his Dad's like. You had to send that text, OP, your ex has been taking the proverbial and he needs to stop.

Well done @MyHouseIsABusStop - you did the right thing and with the right tone and approach re exDH.

Keep your focused on your DS and your relationship with him - so that he knows he has your unconditional love and support despite his flaky DF.

Kids aren't as stupid as men think they are. They always see the real person because men that hide behind a front always let it slip

Good luck with it all moving forward

You clearly have a great relationship with your DS, and your relationships are your own business. I am glad he is seeing through your ex’s games. Best of luck in the future!

Hey OP. I just wanted to jump on and say you are not being unreasonable. I’m in exactly the same position as you. 3 kids who are supposed to be 50/50 but are more like 70/30. We both wanted them full time when we split so agreed on 50/50. Since then things have gotten easier between us and we are at a point of being really good co-parents and able to discuss and agree on how we parent the kids. The only problem is that the last couple of years he always has a reason he can’t have them for all of his time and he doesn’t offer me money when I have them for extra, it really adds up and he earns a lot more than me so should be offering to help with food when I’ve got them extra. For example if half term falls on his week but he can’t get the week off work he’ll ask me to have them, I work from home so I’m always able to have them (self employed) this then eats into the actual time that I’m working and pushes my earning potential right down. I used to ask him to swap weeks (we have them week on/week off) but he always used to have an excuse not too. This then means I’d be having them 3 weeks in a row. On the weeks I have them the food shop is roughly £100, on the weeks I’m alone I can manage on about £25/£35. Before the summer holidays when one of these scenarios popped up I called him and asked him to top up my eldest daughters lunch money for high school, his response was ‘it’s the beginning of the month haven’t you just been paid’ I said yes but that’s not the point, you can spare a tenner when I’ve had the kids for 3 weeks this month. I haven’t asked again since then. I should really be brave and pull up the schedule for the last few years and show him how much I’ve had them and how much I should technically be getting if I went down the CMS route (which I wouldn’t but I just want a little extra towards the food) and let him know how much I’m losing in regards to not being able to work full time when I have them here but it’s so hard. Anyway sorry for the long post. Just wanted to say I feel your pain. If it’s 50/50 it should be exactly that so we can plan our money and time around that and not have to be the back up plan for men who can’t arrange their time/childcare properly. If you manage to come up with a way to word a message without starting a world war please let me know.

It's your Sons home not a drop off base for your ex. Surely you want your Son to feel comfortable coming home, but you said he's apologetic when he rings. I understand you're annoyed with his Dad but it's for your Sons benefit not his Dads. Mention to your ex that you're thinking of calling for advice about maintenance as the 50/50 agreement doesn't seen to working now & you'll need financial help now your Son is spending more time at home.