About my ex using my house as a base for DS

[MyHouseIsABusStop]

Really didn't know how to title this.

I need some perspective and opinions please as I’m on the verge of going nuclear and don’t know if that’s reasonable. (I have NC for this as details could be outing and don’t want this linked to my previous posts)

My ex and I separated 10 years ago, we have a 14yr old DS that we are supposed to share 50/50, but the reality is more 60/40 or less.

I have lived in village A for the last 10years, ex lives in Town B since we split, and has since moved a further 6km to the opposite side of Town B. I moved outside of Village A a few years ago, closer to Town B and am now about 13km from Town B. Village A and Town B are 20km from each other.

My son attended primary school in Town B, where he was driven to school each day, and is now in his 3rd year of secondary school in Village A.

DS now gets a bus to school in Village A. I am lucky that the bus is walking distance from my house, about 2mins. Having done the longer commute to Town B for 8 years, this is a blessing.

However, my ex has for the last 2 years been dropping DS to my house before the bus whenever he wants to go to work early, and he leaves DS go to my house after the bus in the evenings. And despite me saying numerous times that this is not always convenient numerous times, it looks like it’s going to continue for this year again.

I have a number of issues with this:

1 - I have a BF, who I have not introduced to my DS, and it is not always convenient for DS to be dropped early and out of the blue. If my BF has stayed the night before, I need to have him up out of the house before my DS gets there. I don’t even get proper notice. It was 10pm last night when my DS text me telling me his Dad was dropping him 40mins before the bus (I hate the fact his father makes him text me about this, DS is always apologetic which he absolutely shouldn’t be). I did not see this until 6.30am this morning, at which point I had to get BF up out of bed so he was gone in time. Sad thing about this is that we hadn’t seen each other in over a week as he was away, was really looking forward to a nice lazy coffee in bed, but that couldn’t happen.

2- The evenings DS comes to my house after the bus, I would say 80% of the time even when he is supposed to be with his father, the heating needs to be turned on, I need to ensure there’s food for after school meal etc. I hate begrudging this, but it adds up, especially during the winter and I’ve never received a penny from his father due to the loose 50/50 arrangement.

The Summer was also a disaster, on the days DS father was due to pick him up, he was leaving him at my house all day until the evening. On the days DS was due to return home to me, he was being dropped at 7.30 most mornings, meaning some days, where he should have had him for 24 hours, he was having him for just over 12, not worrying about what he was going to do all day, not providing breakfast or lunch.

I’m just sick of it, just because I live 2 mins from the bus stop, I don’t see why he thinks he can just use me as a base to drop his son off to facilitate his work schedule.

I hate begrudging this, I love my son dearly, I love seeing him, but I hate facilitating his father’s work schedule, and I hate my son being apologetic because of it. I have never asked him to facilitate mine, never dropped my son to his house 45mins before primary school because I had to work and he was closer for 8 years, never left him at his house until late in the evening on my days… I just sorted my work schedule to fit around my parenting responsibilities.

Am I being unreasonable here? I’m at the verge of telling him I’m going to cancel the bus, which would mean his father would need to travel and extra 7km there and back morning and evening. I’ve thought about telling him there is not going to be a key left in the key box for my son to gain access to the house on his days, but at the end of the day it’s my son who will suffer because of this.

What can I reasonably do here?

Non of it is the DC’s fault and he is the one who is being made to feel like he has to apologise. Don't you see how wrong this is?

Yab a bit u. If he needs to get to work of course he needs to drop off your son earlier, having a boyfriend isn't a reason to make him late for work. Your ds is at secondary school so of course he can come and go a bit these days including afternoons before going to his dad.

Firstly introduce the boyfriend, no big deal about it just simply introduction and tell your son he stays over sometimes. He's not a little kid, he will get this. Secondly have long life snacks so you don't need to worry about getting food in. Thirdly speak to his dad and explain it's not 50/50 so you should be getting financial support from him

You are not unreasonable to want him to stick to the agreement but it's clear that he won't so you are unreasonable or at least unrealistic to expect someone who has proven themselves an arsehole to suddenly see the light and not be one.

You have to deal with him how he is not how it would be reasonable for him to be and how he should be and what's reasonable of you to ask, as though he's going to respond reasonably to a reasonable request.

He's someone you can't see yourself discussing CMS with, he's someone with a history of being abusive towards yoi, what about your lived experience of him makes you think there's anything you can say that will make him go "oh shit yeah you're right I'm being a twat I'll stop now." ?

BF irrelevant.

Bullet point what you said in your OP re unexpected drop offs/less time/only 12 hours spent with his df then tell your idiot ex that you will be claiming CMS due to the constant nature of him dropping off or not picking up his child until silly o'clock. Stop being a doormat to your ex!

I wonder if the responses you get on MN depend on the time or day you post. On other days, if you had said that you had introduced your DS to a boyfriend you would be castigated for complicating your son’s life and not putting him first. Today, it sounds like your DS has a RIGHT to know about your love life.

I think your suggestion is sensible. Tell ex that he clearly can’t cope with school drop offs (include some stats if you have them) and that it would be fairer for DA if you moved away from the 50:50 arrangement. Don’t be frightened about pursuing him for more CMS, you can go through the courts and not talk directly to him about it.

@Nobodywouldknow (ironic username!)

I completely understand your view on this and I really appreciate your time in discussing this with me.

Introducing my BF is not an option, and definitely not at this stage. My son does have very positive relationship role models, but I personally don't know anyone who has introduced their children to partners, blended their families etc and the children not suffer or be uncomfortable in some way.

I'm not in the market for positive roles models for my son from my relationships, he has plenty of love and positive role models in our family.

I'm not pretending to be single, it's just not something that I feel I need to address with my son or involve him in anyway. This has worked perfectly for 8 years, it's only now ex can't adhere to the schedule it has become a problem. But I managed the commute/school drop for 8 years without any problems.

You cannot do anything, you can't force someone to have a child more than they are willing to.

Well apparently you can, because OPs ex is doing exactly that to her.

You need to claim CM OP, and stop pretending he’s doing 50/50.

Is ex a high earner and not self employed? I would go via CMS.

How much is his half of the ‘bills’? And what are the bills for?

But I can't stress enough that once they are teens they go been houses more ad hoc, hiding your boyfriend, wanting warning your son is coming home is just not fair on your son. I've been through this, it's not easy dating with teens and yes one of mine just turned up unexpectedly 3 weeks after I met dp, earlier than ideal but it got it out of the way. I will add they get on really well 5 years on.

That is the point though. You can't do anything about your ex. It's not something that you can control. So if you don't want to tell your son about the bf, the bf needs to stop coming to your house because sooner or later there will be another accidental meeting.

Yes, it is wrong but again not the OP’s fault. You seem to be on some sort of vendetta against the OP, perhaps that’s clouding your judgment 😬

Fair enough. But basically, as others have said, there’s pretty much nothing you can do about it apart from telling your son he can’t come to his own house or even locking him out. Your ex doesn’t sound like he will listen and you can’t force him to have his child. You said you’d be happy to have your DS more so just work on that basis, reduce the number of nights and claim CMS.

I am not on a vendetta I just can’t imagine a 14 year old child apologising to his mother for being in his home!

I agree ex is an idiot. That doesn’t change the one being made to feel the worst is a DC who didn’t ask for any of this and deserves to feel at ease in his home.

The BF drama is also unnatural. IMO it sounds like a very dysfunctional situation. As soon as DC apologised to OP for being in his own home (in unscheduled time 🤣) she should be asking herself how can I make sure my DC never feels like this again in his home rather than trying to get an abusive ex to change his ways.

"I hate begrudging this, I love my son dearly, I love seeing him, but I hate facilitating his father’s work schedule, and I hate my son being apologetic because of it."

As someone who co-parents a dd in secondary school reading this was really uncomfortable for me.

This is my dd's HOME. She has two. As it is her HOME she is welcome 24/7, any day, regardless of the arrangements her dad and I have. I can't imagine any situation where my dd would feel she should be apologetic for coming HOME. Sorry, but that's messed up.

You seem to think your house is only your son's home in accordance with a schedule. The rest of the time it's YOUR home, and he is an unexpected, grudgingly welcome, guest.

You need to ask yourself why you are begrudging more time with your son - it appears to be because it's cramping your style. That's not good.

Once my DD hit mid teens, she would come and go fairly flexibly between our houses even though she had been used to week on week off for 10 years. She had her own key (what teen doesn’t?) and many was the day I’d come home from work to her raiding the fridge! She was quite good at arranging things with us to suit her social life!

Let me try again with a different explanation. I think you're being unrealistically rigid in your thinking.

Arrangements for kids change as the kids get older. Sometimes they last 5 years, sometimes only a year. Ten years, virtually never.

Young kids can be kept away from boyfriends. They are constantly attended by an adult, and care is clearly allocated to that adult in any one moment. Teenagers don't, they wonder about the place by themselves. Sometimes they're with one parent, sometimes another, sometimes a random other friend's house. It's nice to have a vague idea, but they're semi-independent, they just turn up sometimes.

The ex is wrong, sure. But you aren't going to fix that - that's why you left him. He's not going to suddenly improve now.

Breakfast club isnt an option at 14 so if dad needs to work coming home to wait for bus is a sensible solution. If there is a way to get public transport from dad's house then could look at that, difficult to do that without making son feel unwelcome at your house though.

Could you stay at boyfriend's on weeknights? Then if son come home for half an hour it doesnt matter?

You're assuming his mum is the cause of this. You're assuming his dad isn't making him feel bad or like an inconvenience. You're assuming he hasn' realised his dad is being an arse on his own. Much younger kids are fully capable of making this leap. You're assuming that having a shitty dad hasn't effected him and made him struggle. You're assuming all sorts and throwing the blame on the only parent that is actually parenting him and caring for him. Like it couldn't possibly be the fault of the low life that only wants 50/50 because he doesn't want to pay maintenance.

I am not assuming anything! Why twist things?

I have said ex is an idiot.

I am commenting on what OP said about her DC in their home and how DC is made to feel apologetic towards her, his mother.

FWIW, I think you are right to keep the BF separate from your son. There’s no need for kids to meet people you are casually dating.

The rest of it, well, these are examples of why you left this ex in the first place, right? He’s not going to step up.

It seems that you have managed to compartmentalise your life so far very well to incorporate a series of long term relationships hidden from your child.

However the situation has since evolved - not only because your ex is 'pushing boundaries' but also because at 14 your DS is becoming an independant young man who isnt a parcel to be scheduled between you at strict set times - he should have total flexibility himself to come and go in his own home and it seems your choice to have a secret relationship would prevent this as much as your ex's behaviour.

I am worried about the wife and other children - is your DH squeezing your DS out rather than this being about work schedules.

You have done a great job so far - do whatever is necessary to maintain and grow his emotional resilence through these last and crucial teenage parenting years - even if it costs you a few £££. If your son feels alienated or nudged out of his DF family then you need to make up the emotional deficit and ensure he is widely welcomed and not suspect he is a burden or inconvenence.

See the extratime with your DS at this formative time in his life and your realtiosnhip with him as gold dust - its precious time and the extra love and care you can add now will come back to you in spades as he becomes an emotionally stable and healthy adult for life - he will also know who nourished him.

Yeah but tit for tat arguing between the parents isn’t going to help the son. If his dad makes him feel unwelcome then it doesn’t help if his mum also does that. In fact she probably has to work even harder to ensure that he always feels welcome at hers.

Anyway the OP said that she is happy to have her DS stay more so that’s the obvious option and then approach CMS for maintenance to cover extra costs.

As she wants to keep her dating life separate, either no more sleepovers with the bf or end the relationship altogether.

I am not sure what else can be done really.

I respect your stance on dating.

If I was in position, I would change the schedule so that you know where you stand. It seems it would be better for your son to stay at your home during the week.

I would go the route of maintenance for the extra time. I think that’s the only way you’re going to sort it out. You said you’re reluctant and you clearly have your reasons, but perhaps the thought of going through CMS will concentrate your ex’s mind on his responsibilities towards his son. The misogyny from some posters is palpable here OP. You’re getting grief for the fact that your ex can’t stick to an agreement, and basically being told you should suck up the inconvenience, rather than sort it out. And there are numerous threads on MN reinforcing the opinion that parents should keep their dating away from their children until they’re sure about thier relationship. You’re doing that but still getting shit. The double standards are mind boggling.

You blamed her. To decide it is her faulf you either have NFI about any of these other possiblites or about what its like to be a child with a parent like that, in which case educate yourself before you take a swipe at someone vulnerable next time or you dismissed all those possibilities.