About my ex using my house as a base for DS

[MyHouseIsABusStop]

Really didn't know how to title this.

I need some perspective and opinions please as I’m on the verge of going nuclear and don’t know if that’s reasonable. (I have NC for this as details could be outing and don’t want this linked to my previous posts)

My ex and I separated 10 years ago, we have a 14yr old DS that we are supposed to share 50/50, but the reality is more 60/40 or less.

I have lived in village A for the last 10years, ex lives in Town B since we split, and has since moved a further 6km to the opposite side of Town B. I moved outside of Village A a few years ago, closer to Town B and am now about 13km from Town B. Village A and Town B are 20km from each other.

My son attended primary school in Town B, where he was driven to school each day, and is now in his 3rd year of secondary school in Village A.

DS now gets a bus to school in Village A. I am lucky that the bus is walking distance from my house, about 2mins. Having done the longer commute to Town B for 8 years, this is a blessing.

However, my ex has for the last 2 years been dropping DS to my house before the bus whenever he wants to go to work early, and he leaves DS go to my house after the bus in the evenings. And despite me saying numerous times that this is not always convenient numerous times, it looks like it’s going to continue for this year again.

I have a number of issues with this:

1 - I have a BF, who I have not introduced to my DS, and it is not always convenient for DS to be dropped early and out of the blue. If my BF has stayed the night before, I need to have him up out of the house before my DS gets there. I don’t even get proper notice. It was 10pm last night when my DS text me telling me his Dad was dropping him 40mins before the bus (I hate the fact his father makes him text me about this, DS is always apologetic which he absolutely shouldn’t be). I did not see this until 6.30am this morning, at which point I had to get BF up out of bed so he was gone in time. Sad thing about this is that we hadn’t seen each other in over a week as he was away, was really looking forward to a nice lazy coffee in bed, but that couldn’t happen.

2- The evenings DS comes to my house after the bus, I would say 80% of the time even when he is supposed to be with his father, the heating needs to be turned on, I need to ensure there’s food for after school meal etc. I hate begrudging this, but it adds up, especially during the winter and I’ve never received a penny from his father due to the loose 50/50 arrangement.

The Summer was also a disaster, on the days DS father was due to pick him up, he was leaving him at my house all day until the evening. On the days DS was due to return home to me, he was being dropped at 7.30 most mornings, meaning some days, where he should have had him for 24 hours, he was having him for just over 12, not worrying about what he was going to do all day, not providing breakfast or lunch.

I’m just sick of it, just because I live 2 mins from the bus stop, I don’t see why he thinks he can just use me as a base to drop his son off to facilitate his work schedule.

I hate begrudging this, I love my son dearly, I love seeing him, but I hate facilitating his father’s work schedule, and I hate my son being apologetic because of it. I have never asked him to facilitate mine, never dropped my son to his house 45mins before primary school because I had to work and he was closer for 8 years, never left him at his house until late in the evening on my days… I just sorted my work schedule to fit around my parenting responsibilities.

Am I being unreasonable here? I’m at the verge of telling him I’m going to cancel the bus, which would mean his father would need to travel and extra 7km there and back morning and evening. I’ve thought about telling him there is not going to be a key left in the key box for my son to gain access to the house on his days, but at the end of the day it’s my son who will suffer because of this.

What can I reasonably do here?

The problem is that as a Mum you do not value the fact that your 14 year old son is a person, a human being and not an object to split 50/50!!!!! Your ex is not the problem here.

You’re blaming OP. This is what you said. Nothing to twist, it’s all right there.

I agree that this is your son's home and he should be welcome and "at home" there 24/7.

In your shoes, I would assume that he may be dropped off early for school any time he was at his dad's overnight.

If the additional costs of heating/snacks are an issue then you need to address this either with ex "we have 5050 but I am paying the bulk of the heating/snack costs and you need to contribute £x a month" or by letting DS know to put on an jumper/eat toast.

The boyfriend means either he's always planning to be up and out early, or only stays at weekends when DS definitely won't be dropped off early, or you stay at his and DS knows you won't be home that morning because xyz reason (but he could presumably still let himself in to wait for bus).

It’s interesting that not once have you mentioned the impact his father will be having on him in making him feel unwelcome and passing him off to OP at every opportunity. Maybe the lad is just mature enough to understand what his dad is playing at, and is actually apologising because he feels bad for his mum?

Do you twist everyone’s words to fit your agenda?

The most vulnerable person in this scenario is the 14 year old DC which, you seem to ignore in favour of belittling me and my opinion on the situation.

Many others have also commented similar to me but you have decided to only focus on my posts.

Seems like you are the one with the vendetta. Not me.

@MyHouseIsABusStop if you were single, would you be equally annoyed by ex's actions? Or less so because it wasn't putting you out?

It's up to you if and when you tell DS about BF, it clearly sounds as though there's something in your history which makes you very unwilling to do so. But is this the main reason for your anger towards ex?

Ex sounds useless etc etc so in answer to your question about how you get him to do what he's supposed to - you can't. You can't change someone else's behaviour, only your own.

Did you read the OP? It’s not about seeing her son,

it is about

son being left unattended during the holidays and after school

ops personal arrangements being disregarded or ignored

arrangements are made by the poor son being made to text which he is clearly uncomfortable with

and so on.

But the way to make him never feel like that again is for the ex to change his way, which is impossible yes. Their home doesn't exist in a vacuum and you can do all the right things and your kid still struggles because you can't stop their own father from making them feel lesser and an inconvenience and you're trying to reassure them, but not too much, because too much reassurance makes anxiety worse, not better.

I interpreted the “my house” as a push back against the ex. Who is being free and easy with her house, even though they don’t live together a haven’t for some time. Rather than her son

@BellesAndGraces Honestly, it's so weird, most people like you say are chastised by introducing their BF to their children too soon. I've made the (sensible) decision not too, and am being told that I should, just so I'm available to pick up the slack for my ex... I kind of feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone!!!

Don’t you know yet that women are always to blame and the man is never at fault?

@MyHouseIsABusStop do you have a job where it'd be believable that you had to be away for work (a course, or conference, or customer visit, or...)

If so, then next time you get the text to say he'll be being dropped off in the morning, reply to say you're away overnight for work so you're not there, then head to your BF's and take the key out the key safe.

If he says he's dropping your DS anyway, then reply saying you're leaving your work thing (and head back home from your BF's)... Then later that day or the next day use that as the reason for giving your ex an ultimatum - either revisit the arrangement so it reflects what he can actually do, or actually follow through on the current arrangement!

I don't think there's anything you can say to get him to understand if he's that type of person. I spent nearly a decade picking my words and trying to find a way to tell him things that would make him understand and all it got me was a lot of grief and pain and being blamed for everything.

What does your DS want, he's 14 does he want 50/50? If he'd rather be at yours more and has had issues with his step mum and dad treats him like an inconvenience maybe the way to help him feel more secure is seeing his dad less and at times when his dad actually has time for him.

Not a high earner, I probably out earn him slightly. Bills are uniform, school supplies, books etc only.

But surely if she wasn't in, it is still ok for her 14 year to come to his house to wait.

He doesn't need supervision so why not? If she is not up front about the bf, what is the reason for keeping the kid from his house?

I think you're also missing the point. I don't begrudge time with my son, and would love to have him more, at least then I would know what's happening on a day to day basis and worrying that my son will unexpectedly walk in on me and BF lazing naked in bed drinking coffee. I don't know why that so unreasonable.

What is in your power to control op? I can think of two things- one very much in your control. You can message and say this contact isn’t 50/50 and my house is not a base for your contact when you choose to collect him. If he comes back here after school he will stay the night from now on, and if it’s a pattern then I will claim cms for the actual contact we are having. I love having him, and you often don’t bother to collect him till later anyway, so this seems better for him.

You could try that and see how this goes?

you could also consider saying you are away the next time he says he will be dropped in the morning, but I wouldn’t do that if he will probably drop your ds anyway, so I’m not sure that’s within your control.

But if she was away from home overnight, it would be a sensible security measure to remove her key from the key safe, so she would've done.

And without that key, the child wouldn't be able to access.

I never let on that this is an inconvenience to me. He knows himself that when he's being dropped early and waking me up in my day off work for example, that this isn't right and this is why he is apologetic.

WTF! Your own kids an inconvenience to you because he’s coming into his own home. You sound pleasant…..

I do automatically (perhaps unfairly) make a judgement on Mums who push for 50:50 - most loving caring mothers would want their children with them as much as possible instinctively, not insist they aren’t around 50% of the time so they can crack on with their new boyfriend.

Whilst I understand your frustration most 14 year olds make their own way to school and leave home at a convenient time for the bus locking up behind them Like wise they come home let themselves in have a snack and wait for a parent As your son cannot do that from his father's house it does make sense for him to be dropped and picked up from yours . Yes it must be frustrating but I wouldn't expect a parent to have to change their working hours for a 14 year old.

With compassion OP you are making this very much about you ( you had a panic attack, you haven't planned for unexpected dinners, you have to get BF to leave etc). But it isn't just affecting you. I get this is hugely frustrating for you but as PPs have said it's your son's home. Teenage boys should be allowed to come and go and eat all your food. That is normal. You say if your DS lived with you full time you'd give up the BF. Well the current arrangement isn't BF compatible according to you, so maybe that's the rather drastic answer. Whether you to want to accept it or not your DS is clearly picking up that you don't want him arriving unannounced - hence the apologising. Your Ex is clearly a prick but you've said no to all the excellent suggestions about CMS. In reality you have 4 more years of school to get through and then your DS will be in your house less and less. Maybe the solution for you is to try and find a way to accept your Ex is never going to change. Good luck - it sounds very intense at the moment

Wow....you sound like a real treat! "his son"

Your poor son..."have to turn up heating ,get food ready..it all adds-up"...ffs

I’ve thought about telling him there is not going to be a key left in the key box for my son to gain access to the house on his days, but at the end of the day it’s my son who will suffer because of this.

one that you have thought about taking from him so he cannot access his own home

Missing the point. If ex’s working patterns have changed since the 50/50 agreement then he needs to address this with OP and come to an alternative solution, not simply leave her to pick up the slack because he can’t be arsed to sort out his end of the agreement. So the very first thing she should be doing is telling him that since it’s no longer 50/50 he can either step up and make sure the balance is restored, or he can pay maintenance for the difference . And OP has already said numerous times that for various reasons she doesn’t want to introduce the BF to her son yet. That’s entirely her decision.

But rejected the idea because he won’t be able to access his own home.