About my ex using my house as a base for DS

[MyHouseIsABusStop]

Really didn't know how to title this.

I need some perspective and opinions please as I’m on the verge of going nuclear and don’t know if that’s reasonable. (I have NC for this as details could be outing and don’t want this linked to my previous posts)

My ex and I separated 10 years ago, we have a 14yr old DS that we are supposed to share 50/50, but the reality is more 60/40 or less.

I have lived in village A for the last 10years, ex lives in Town B since we split, and has since moved a further 6km to the opposite side of Town B. I moved outside of Village A a few years ago, closer to Town B and am now about 13km from Town B. Village A and Town B are 20km from each other.

My son attended primary school in Town B, where he was driven to school each day, and is now in his 3rd year of secondary school in Village A.

DS now gets a bus to school in Village A. I am lucky that the bus is walking distance from my house, about 2mins. Having done the longer commute to Town B for 8 years, this is a blessing.

However, my ex has for the last 2 years been dropping DS to my house before the bus whenever he wants to go to work early, and he leaves DS go to my house after the bus in the evenings. And despite me saying numerous times that this is not always convenient numerous times, it looks like it’s going to continue for this year again.

I have a number of issues with this:

1 - I have a BF, who I have not introduced to my DS, and it is not always convenient for DS to be dropped early and out of the blue. If my BF has stayed the night before, I need to have him up out of the house before my DS gets there. I don’t even get proper notice. It was 10pm last night when my DS text me telling me his Dad was dropping him 40mins before the bus (I hate the fact his father makes him text me about this, DS is always apologetic which he absolutely shouldn’t be). I did not see this until 6.30am this morning, at which point I had to get BF up out of bed so he was gone in time. Sad thing about this is that we hadn’t seen each other in over a week as he was away, was really looking forward to a nice lazy coffee in bed, but that couldn’t happen.

2- The evenings DS comes to my house after the bus, I would say 80% of the time even when he is supposed to be with his father, the heating needs to be turned on, I need to ensure there’s food for after school meal etc. I hate begrudging this, but it adds up, especially during the winter and I’ve never received a penny from his father due to the loose 50/50 arrangement.

The Summer was also a disaster, on the days DS father was due to pick him up, he was leaving him at my house all day until the evening. On the days DS was due to return home to me, he was being dropped at 7.30 most mornings, meaning some days, where he should have had him for 24 hours, he was having him for just over 12, not worrying about what he was going to do all day, not providing breakfast or lunch.

I’m just sick of it, just because I live 2 mins from the bus stop, I don’t see why he thinks he can just use me as a base to drop his son off to facilitate his work schedule.

I hate begrudging this, I love my son dearly, I love seeing him, but I hate facilitating his father’s work schedule, and I hate my son being apologetic because of it. I have never asked him to facilitate mine, never dropped my son to his house 45mins before primary school because I had to work and he was closer for 8 years, never left him at his house until late in the evening on my days… I just sorted my work schedule to fit around my parenting responsibilities.

Am I being unreasonable here? I’m at the verge of telling him I’m going to cancel the bus, which would mean his father would need to travel and extra 7km there and back morning and evening. I’ve thought about telling him there is not going to be a key left in the key box for my son to gain access to the house on his days, but at the end of the day it’s my son who will suffer because of this.

What can I reasonably do here?

Presumably some of that was because his dad lives with his new wife. I totally get not moving someone in but not pretending to totally abstain from dating as some sort of sacrifice, while your son clearly senses something by always having to text in advance to apologise for turning up early at his own home. You’re pretending that one state of affairs exists when it doesn’t - it’s not reasonable or realistic for most parents to totally abstain from dating. It clearly isn’t for you because you have been but you choose not to tell your son to give him the impression that it’s normal.

You can say to him that you don’t want to complicate his life, but that you have a partner and that he may from time to time run into him. Just so it’s not a huge shock and big deal when they do. Also, as I said in my other posts, you’re less likely to attract positive role models by having these clandestine relationships, as most decent people would want to be more involved in their partners life.

It’s important for teens to see good examples of relationships. Not to be told lies about enforced celibacy until they are 18 and then mum’s fella accidentally mentions that trip to Skegness back in 2022 when you were 12 and suddenly the penny starts to drop…

Surely if he lived with you FT, you'd have no choice but to introduce your new boyfriend. You wouldn't have the same freedom to enjoy your relationship at home.

Also, eat is you ex expected to do if his job demands of him to be at work early? Ultimately, he could drop your DS at another bus stop, in the cold, for 45 minutes, just because you want to enjoy some time in bed with your boyfriend.

Life's complicated with difficult emotions. It's ok that your 14 year old knows this.

You're being overprotective. And slightly dishonest. Eventually someone else will tell him and that will be awful.

But yes his dad's a tool. You're well within your rights to suggest 80 20. I think it's quite common, to claim it's 50/50 but gradually shift to treating you like the babysitter.

You’re making a rod for your own back and being silly really. Tell your son you have a boyfriend - he’s 14 not 4. He’ll know you’re hiding something.

You sound like a great mum tbh. I really don't understand the pp tying themselves up in knots trying to defend your dickhead ex. Of course what he's doing isn't right

Your poor son needs his own key to his home to come and go as he pleases

He’s 14 not 4
Put some food in the freezer and show him how to use the microwave or airfryer if you aren’t expecting him and aren’t there to cook. And show him how to use the thermostat, or give him joint access to the heating app if you have one

If he lived with me full time, I simply wouldn't have relationships. FWB maybe.

It's not my problem if ex needs to be to work early, I left him many years ago and his work is none of my concern. He needs to arrange his work schedule so he can parent his child in accordance to the schedule he agreed to. Or else, give up his want to have 50/50 time with our son. Not depend on me to pick up his slack...

I think you're missing the point and obviously haven't read the thread. My son does have a key

Can we PLEASE get off the topic of telling my son about BF and focus on the fact the his dickhead father is not upholding his parental responsibilities, and how I broach that. How can I word that reasonably in a text?

It is not about my BF, it is about the fact that his father is expecting me, like all the other women in his life, to pick up his slack for him.

Your son is 14 - at this age it’s up to him where he goes. Dropping him off slightly early isn’t really dropping his responsibilities.

Why does he need to text you then? Can’t he just let himself in and out?

Do you only see your BF at your house? No dates out, no hanging out with friends, no meeting other family members? Because unless it’s strictly confined to your house, someone might let slip to him “oh I saw your mum and Paul at my parents’ barbecue at the weekend” or something. And he’d presumably be ‘wtf’.

Can't add much but I completely back you OP in not introducing your BF to your son.

You would be fully entitled to sleep with random men every night ds is away, it has no impact on him, or wouldn't if exh wasn't being an arse. No one would expect you to introduce randoms to him.

If you stayed at bfs house I'm sure rxh would continue to drop ds at your house, he's old enough to be alone.

No suggestions other than cancel the bus and make sure you are getting what is due financially. I think I'd just duck it up tbh. Your ds must see his dad is an arse.

So what if your son forgets his PE kit and just nips into get it on the way to school. Does he need to text you so you know he is coming home?

That is just weird. He should be able to come and please as he likes if your home is as welcoming as you say.

If you make him text before he comes home, I am pretty sure he has guessed you have company. He is 14 not 4.

Given his school is closer to your house, i don't think him popping home should be that crazy or you should begrudge him some food or warmth. What is the alternative, he waits 40 mins in the cold? Buys his own food?

Say to your ex that as he's not having him the full 50/50 and it's more like 60/40 or 70/30, you want maintenance to cover the extra expense of food etc on days he's meant to have him.

Nobody is going to give you a magic set of words which will convince your ex to roll over and follow your instructions. That is cloud cuckoo land.

But you don't need that.

At 14, your son is soon going to be choosing where he spends each night himself.

This is not a battle with your ex. There isn't going to be a moment when the judge tells him he is wrong, and he hangs his head in shame, and you win and the ex follows your instructions. This is all fantasy. Focus on the 14 year old, who is shortly going to be making his own decisions.

And for god's sake don't cancel the bus. Think what that would say to your son.

Your son is 14. In 4 years he will be an adult. He’s not at primary school and doesn’t require constant looking after when he’s in your home. This has arisen because you want to know exactly when he will be there and when he won’t so that you can arrange your life accordingly and conceal your relationship from him. It’s his home and you can’t expect that and you can no longer expect his dad to stick to a rigid timetable, given your son’s independence. Seek maintenance from him by all means but the issues with your DS returning early before school could be entirely solved if you were more open and honest with him. He’s got his own key so he can come and go as he pleases.

What you are doing (apparently making him feel unwelcome) is doing more harm in my view than dealing with the Bf issue

It’s difficult to introduce a teen to a new partner (believe me I’ve done it) but definitely worthwhile. If the BF isn’t serious my answer would be different.

I really feel for you with a difficult ex, and I recommend you put it to him that you will go to the CMS if he doesn’t stop doing this.

Anyway - best of luck with it.

My ex did something similar with my 3. He'd drop them at my house at 6.30am so he didn't have to drive them to school. My house was walking distance from the high school and I worked at the primary school so he decided I could just take them and he could have an early start at work. He did not ask me at all and would drop them with no food for lunch, not having had breakfast and not dressed in their uniforms for school. ( ie. In their Pyjamas!!).
I tried pushing back. He made it painful for the kids so I gave up and just delt with the hassle and cost. He was a selfish d*ck but I'd rather my kids happy and not stressed by their dad's behaviour.

In your shoes I'd just expect your kid home before and after school on Dad's days and plan accordingly. I'd also tell the kid I was dating just in case something didn't go to plan.

First step is to ask how DS would feel about just going to his Dad's EOW.

Next step you tell ex you need notice as you are not always home.

Next step he does it again you ring ex and tell him you are away and DS can't access the house due to no key and no notice.

Cms is based on nights, so if the nights your son stays over is 50/50 there is not much they can do.

Agreed

I would start claiming cm even 50/50 there's often cm entitlement due to one parent paying more cost than the other

Yes how dare the OP want her ex to parent the 50% of the time he said he wanted to parent. He's a shit parent and she's just supposed to put up and shut up and quietly pick up the slack. She would be happy to have her DS more, but then that would result in maintenance which he doesn't want to pay. He doesn't want to parent and he doesn't want to pay and he expects his ex to have majority care and responsibility for their child while he gets to spend bugger all because he's pretending it's 50/50. OP is the only one actually parenting, but everything is apparently her fault.

You are completely off the mark and you are going further into this rabbit hole which, will make your DS feel even more alienated and apologetic of his existence.

Nobody is denying your ex is an idiot. However, the one person losing out the most here is your DS. You are the adult. You can not control your ex. You can however, give your DS full range of his home with you and stop trying to dictate when he is allowed to feel welcome and comfortable in it. I repeat YOU control your home and how YOU make your DS feel in it is down to YOU! NOT your EX!

You keep repeating the same justification for how your DS feels in YOUR home. Can you not see that you are the one creating the atmosphere in YOUR house?

Also your ex will probably just tell you to take a running jump with your “not always convenient” excuse about him spending 40 minutes at your house before school. You can’t make him change it and no court would force it either as your son is old enough to sort himself out before school and it’s not actually putting you out besides you not wanting him there.

So you could say to your DS that you’d prefer him not to come to yours on the days he’s with his dad. That message has already seemingly filtered through to him with his texts and apologies. It’s an awful and unwelcoming stance that will cause far more harm and complications than him finding out you are dating.

Or you could break up with your boyfriend and genuinely not date again until your DS is grown up. Maybe that’s the best option if you feel like you do.