About my ex using my house as a base for DS

[MyHouseIsABusStop]

Really didn't know how to title this.

I need some perspective and opinions please as I’m on the verge of going nuclear and don’t know if that’s reasonable. (I have NC for this as details could be outing and don’t want this linked to my previous posts)

My ex and I separated 10 years ago, we have a 14yr old DS that we are supposed to share 50/50, but the reality is more 60/40 or less.

I have lived in village A for the last 10years, ex lives in Town B since we split, and has since moved a further 6km to the opposite side of Town B. I moved outside of Village A a few years ago, closer to Town B and am now about 13km from Town B. Village A and Town B are 20km from each other.

My son attended primary school in Town B, where he was driven to school each day, and is now in his 3rd year of secondary school in Village A.

DS now gets a bus to school in Village A. I am lucky that the bus is walking distance from my house, about 2mins. Having done the longer commute to Town B for 8 years, this is a blessing.

However, my ex has for the last 2 years been dropping DS to my house before the bus whenever he wants to go to work early, and he leaves DS go to my house after the bus in the evenings. And despite me saying numerous times that this is not always convenient numerous times, it looks like it’s going to continue for this year again.

I have a number of issues with this:

1 - I have a BF, who I have not introduced to my DS, and it is not always convenient for DS to be dropped early and out of the blue. If my BF has stayed the night before, I need to have him up out of the house before my DS gets there. I don’t even get proper notice. It was 10pm last night when my DS text me telling me his Dad was dropping him 40mins before the bus (I hate the fact his father makes him text me about this, DS is always apologetic which he absolutely shouldn’t be). I did not see this until 6.30am this morning, at which point I had to get BF up out of bed so he was gone in time. Sad thing about this is that we hadn’t seen each other in over a week as he was away, was really looking forward to a nice lazy coffee in bed, but that couldn’t happen.

2- The evenings DS comes to my house after the bus, I would say 80% of the time even when he is supposed to be with his father, the heating needs to be turned on, I need to ensure there’s food for after school meal etc. I hate begrudging this, but it adds up, especially during the winter and I’ve never received a penny from his father due to the loose 50/50 arrangement.

The Summer was also a disaster, on the days DS father was due to pick him up, he was leaving him at my house all day until the evening. On the days DS was due to return home to me, he was being dropped at 7.30 most mornings, meaning some days, where he should have had him for 24 hours, he was having him for just over 12, not worrying about what he was going to do all day, not providing breakfast or lunch.

I’m just sick of it, just because I live 2 mins from the bus stop, I don’t see why he thinks he can just use me as a base to drop his son off to facilitate his work schedule.

I hate begrudging this, I love my son dearly, I love seeing him, but I hate facilitating his father’s work schedule, and I hate my son being apologetic because of it. I have never asked him to facilitate mine, never dropped my son to his house 45mins before primary school because I had to work and he was closer for 8 years, never left him at his house until late in the evening on my days… I just sorted my work schedule to fit around my parenting responsibilities.

Am I being unreasonable here? I’m at the verge of telling him I’m going to cancel the bus, which would mean his father would need to travel and extra 7km there and back morning and evening. I’ve thought about telling him there is not going to be a key left in the key box for my son to gain access to the house on his days, but at the end of the day it’s my son who will suffer because of this.

What can I reasonably do here?

I won't be introducing them, I have plenty of time on my own (or should) to have a relationship. I don't want to complicate my son's life by making him anyway aware or involved with my dating life. I'd sooner give up the relationship, but I don't want it to come to that when the problem here is ex not sticking to the agreed 50/50.

I wouldn't be comfortable with leaving him in the room while DS is there, it happened once before when ex dropped son without warning. Once son went to the bus, I had a panic attack and burst into tears. I felt like the biggest piece of shit and the worst mother ever that morning. It's not fair on DS to have people in the house when he's there and him not be aware.

I am more worried about my DS than my BF, far more worried. If sooner give up the relationship than hurt my son, or make him uncomfortable. But I also don't want it to come to that just because my ex can't stick to a schedule.

My son has had a key box with key outside the house for going on 3 years. He considers my home his primary home, and his father's the home that he visits.

Can ds get to your ex’s by public transport?
If so he’s old enough to left in alone for an hour or two.
Likewise he can help himself to breakfast and entertain himself on your mornings off - no need to disturb you.
Bf could just stay in bed and leave after ds has gone to school. Ds might have to know he’s there but there’s no reason they need to be introduced or interact with each other.

I get that it’s still incredibly annoying that your ex isn’t putting in the effort he should but it doesn’t need to be as much of an inconvenience as you’re making it

The problem is that as a Mum you do not value the fact that your 14 year old son is a person, a human being and not an object to split 50/50!!!!!

Your ex is not the problem here.

OP, it was agreed that DS would attend secondary school close to you so the additional travel was always going to be an issue.

Also, at 14, you ds could decide where he lives. What would you do if he said he wanted to live with you FT?

Thank you. This is exactly how I'm feeling and what the issue is.

I get this. I think your feelings are very understandable. Your ex is copping out and you are being forced to take up the slack. But that isn't the most important thing.

How long is the not-introducing BF going to go on for? Do you not think that if in four years your adult child finds out you've had a long-term partner they didn't know about, they might take that a bit badly?

Hi OP,

I totally agree with you that your ex is being a tool.

That said I want to kindly ask you to reframe the BF situation as I think you are pointlessly over-complicating the situation and making life more stressful than it needs to be for both you and your DS.

You are clearly a loving, supporting and invested parent. You are allowed to have a dating life without martyring yourself |(and your BF) by denying the existence of the relationship. Just as a counterpoint - please imagine how your DS might feel if you introduce partner and explain you've been dating for 5 years or whatever. He might feel let down by the lack of transparency from the one parent he could rely on. (I am being deliberately hyperbolic here, just saying it as a counterpoint to the idea that knowing you have a partner would be distressing to a 14 year old).

I think if you remove the relationship element then the situation becomes far less emotional and more practical when it's just about heating/food. That's a simple conversation - "Dear Ex, I need 24 hours notice of any early drop offs in order to provide food/heat to our child. I will approach CMS for adjustment if you are unable to accommodate as it will mean DS will need to be dropped the night before."

DS can't go between houses on public transport unfortunately. We live rurally.

I wouldn't be comfortable with BF being in the house when DS is there, you'll see in my previous post that happened before and it's not fair on anyone.

Okay, thanks for your input.

I would be delighted if he wanted to be with me FT, absolutely delighted. And then I would actually know what schedule I'm working to.

And DS attended primary school closer to his father for 8 years... somehow the extra travel was never an issue for me.

As your DS is 14, have you asked him whether he wants a change in arrangements? I can't imagine he enjoys having to get out of bed earlier than necessary.

In any separation children have their time between parents split, and that is referred to as a %. Perhaps you were unaware.

I say this, because this is a really unkind and ignorant comment, and completely inaccurate based on all the OP's posts. Separations are hard to navigate for both parents, and this kind of cruel judgement is why so many people feel so alone. I hope you are able to reflect on what you've written, and do better moving forwards.

Most kids are able to cope fine with their parent having a relationship. Soon the schedule will be out of the window anyway as he gets older. If I were your boyfriend I’d be upset and offended that you wanted to keep me secret. If he’s not old enough to deal with you dating at 14, when is he? What if it’s still too stressful for him when he’s at uni? When will you ever have a life or a proper relationship?
Also you don’t need to make them hang out together or anything. Just a heads up that you are dating someone, nice friendly relaxed lunch and then DS knows that the BF is around and can say a quick hello if their paths cross. You don’t have to frame it as “this is your new daddy”. Does his dad not have a partner?
He obviously does know that you resent this as otherwise he wouldn’t be saying sorry all the time. TBH he might even have twigged that you have a boyfriend.

I've previously had relationships of 3yrs and 2.5years without the need to involve my son. I intend to do the same this time. My son is my focus until he leaves home for college.

He considers my home his primary home, and his father's the home that he visits.

And yet he feels a need to apologise to you if he turns up at “his primary home” unexpectedly. It’s not normal for children to apologise for arriving home.

You’ll have to have a calm, rational conversation with his father about a change in the arrangements for custody and finances. There’s no other logical solution. Meet on neutral territory.

Thanks for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it.

In terms of the relationship, if it goes the distance, then there is no need to tell my son when he's older how long we've been together. It's irrelevant really.

I think I'm veering towards texting ex and telling him he clearly can't manage the school drops, so DS will need to stay with me more during the week if he continues dropping him early and collecting late. I don't know if I'll be able to get a single penny out of him for it, I can almost guarantee I won't, but at least I'll know where me and DS stand on a day to day basis, and I get to see my son more.

I'm sure he doesn't enjoy it at all, I haven't broached the subject with him directly as I know he loves his dad, but maybe I need to do that.

Sorry but I think most of this inconvenience is of your own making. At 14 he should expect his mother to be dating and not have a problem with it . How else do teens learn about adult relationships if they don't see them. You are doing nobody any favours by pretending you don't have a boyfriend. You are being silly.

You don’t have to “involve” him. Nobody’s saying he should come on dates with you or anything. But is he really not old enough to know that you are dating? Do you not see a future with your current boyfriend? I’d be worried that if I took this approach that I’d attract men who weren’t that into me and didn’t want to build a long term future together. I certainly wouldn’t be up for a three year relationship with someone who made me sneak out in the morning in case their teenage son discovered I existed and was apparently traumatised by it. But I can see some men being up for the lack of commitment which fair enough if you want that but it wouldn’t be for me.
Also there will blatantly come a time when he does accidentally run into your bf. Perhaps his phone is low on battery or something and he just pops back without texting. Then he might feel like you have been lying to him.
Equally, if the relationship does work out, when will you tell him and will you lie about when you got together?

I would disagree that most children cope fine with their parents new relationships, not my own lived experience, and not my sons experience at his fathers with a now wife and her children. My son does not need his life complicated anymore.

My BF knows the score really, and if it's not good enough for him, then we are not compatible. My son comes first before any and all other relationships until he is an adult. That's the promise I made to him by bringing him into this world.

I think this is most unfair. OP is clearly upset that the rules of engagement are being bent, and she is trying to reconcile all the factors. If she’s not ready to introduce her BF, that’s her call. It’s her ex that is disrupting the arrangements that were agreed.

Well, we've seen it on other threads here - loving your parents doesn't mean you have to do what they want. I think it's time your DS gets to put his own wellbeing first. Sleep is important for teenagers. Considering a child's feelings on where they want to live are considered in court from about age 12-13, and he gets to decide fully from 16, I'd say it's time for that conversation.

Of course ex is the problem, he is not sticking to the agreed contact arrangements.

Your misogyny is showing.

But it is his base. It's his home.