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Original poster

solo day out - unwanted company

535 replies

FrescoeDay · 10/09/2024 21:16

I actually know I'm not being unreasonable but my reaction may be out of proportion and I need help wording my response for my desired outcome - solitude.

I'm on a sort of retreat in Italy. Tomorrow I arranged to go on a day trip away from the base to look at some art. I'd arranged for the car to the station, bought my train ticket and was looking forward to it. I told my next door room mate who told someone else who over dinner tonight said he was coming along 'if I didn't mind.' Of course I don't mind him going to the town and looking at the art. If he is here a week it is his opportunity. Of course I don't mind if he catches the same train - although, honestly, I don't want to chat and be friendly and 'on' for an hour plus on the train there (and back?!) Why should I?

I do not want to spend 6 hours going around museums galleries, churches, having lunch, with a stranger. I prefer to look at art alone at my own pace and have my own responses. But over dinner I could hardly say that. The prick (pardon me) cornered me. I am so angry I'm finding it hard to relax. This may be disproportionate. The thing is I am quite able to be cold and freeze people if I feel like it - but I don't want to introduce awkwardness let alone animosity. I am meeting the driver of the retreat tomorrow morning and this other unwanted guest. I don't want to stop him if this is his one chance to go to the town. But I refuse to have my day stolen from me because I end up being polite to this man. I need a healthy middle ground. I am 46. I can't believe I am still being imposed on like this. I don't want to snap but I may.

Thanks for hearing me out. Perspective needed. This has touched a nerve you can tell. I would just never ever do this.

OP posts:
Livingtothefull · 15/09/2024 12:54

Morefunhere · 15/09/2024 11:16

It seems the derailing of her thread put off @FrescoeDay from telling us about how she enjoyed her walkabout and evening.
It is like someone has torn out the final chapter. (Sigh)!

I am not sure it is correct that the thread has been derailed. In the absence of updates from the OP posters have mostly been discussing the wider issues re men not respecting women's space, and I think this is fine.

Of course the OP doesn't have to provide updates unless she wants to, though I don't see why the subsequent posts would put her off if she did. Maybe she is still on her retreat and wants to enjoy it in peace, and only interrupted it in the first place to post for advice about this specific problem?

theundersea · 15/09/2024 12:57

It was sufficiently derailed that MNHQ had to step in.

Livingtothefull · 15/09/2024 13:18

True, though that was some days ago and related to just one or two posters I think.

Shadowbox7 · 15/09/2024 14:03

ejm05 · 15/09/2024 09:15

These would be words I would use if some random man invited himself to something I was doing alone😂😂 not everyone’s social, not everyone enjoys speaking to strangers. How does she know how this strangers going to react? Maybe this man should stop assuming he can tag along with people.

Show quote history

Really? How peculiar.

Morefunhere · 15/09/2024 14:13

In her OP it was described as a group holiday like a retreat I think so the angry remarks about "Random Man" and typical behaviour is not totally applicable.

TeenageSwans · 15/09/2024 15:04

Morefunhere · 15/09/2024 14:13

In her OP it was described as a group holiday like a retreat I think so the angry remarks about "Random Man" and typical behaviour is not totally applicable.

She I think specifies later on that it was a prayer retreat. But I don't think it particularly matters, either way. Those kinds of holidays aren't any kind of special case when it comes to people bothering you, and neither does sex. I go probably annually or slightly more often to a Buddhist retreat centre somewhere remote and beautiful, and both times I've found myself having to be firm with people, it's been women.

One time, a total stranger just decided to glue herself to my side any time there was any gathering, and started asking me to pre-arrange to meet her outside at lunchtimes etc. I was polite but firm. I was there to spend time alone, and wasn't up for a companion. Another time, a woman who had just come off a week-long silent retreat kept arriving at my side and wanting to make conversation. It didn't appear to occur to her that while she was clearly feeling talkative, I'd only just arrived and was in need of a bit of solitude and silence. Again, I was polite but firm.

BlueMoanday · 15/09/2024 16:05

FrescoeDay · 11/09/2024 10:13

OK, here's the update.

I'm going tomorrow. All fine. I hope my pp show that I was 100% mea culpa about getting very riled and knowing I was potentially making a mountain out of a molehill. If I was on my high horse I did want a way down.

Of course, too, I was most of all cross at myself. I wouldn't call myself a people pleaser. In a way that's what tripped me up because I was on the back foot.

For clarity this is certainly not a group holiday and perhaps the distinction might seem a fine one but it is a retreat, with prayer if you want it and plenty of solitude and some support. I had told the woman in the room next to me about my plans. I went to get food and came back and she was telling this man about when she had been to this town and seen the frescoes. (It is the main destination from here). Most residents go at some point. This is where he jumped in.

Did I think he fancied me, yes, sure, I did to be honest. Did I think he was Hannibal Lector or a sleaze bag - no. I didn't think he'd make a pass, just that he would take my time because it suited him. Also that he was treating the place like an adult summer camp. For instance he was asking for my neighbour's number so he could text her 'if she was up' and they could watch the presidential debate together (at 3am? On a retreat! She's American, was the link) .

Anyway, this morning I thought, OK, he may think we're just sharing a car; if he doesn't I can quickly disabuse him. I said good morning, he said, 'So have you decided what we are going to see?' Me: Oh, no, this is a solo day out for me. I don't enjoy looking at art with other people. I may only go to a couple of places anyway, it's so hot.' Him: 'Well let's chose a couple that we'll each see and we can talk about them over lunch.' Me: No, as I say, I want to spend today alone. Him, shrug. We get in the car, drive to the station. The driver says What time am I picking you up? Me: Well, it may be separately. (We both have his number). Him: well maybe we could swap numbers so we can coordinate a time to get the train back. Me: Oh that sounds like a faff, I won't enjoy being on the clock. Why don't you go today and I'll go tomorrow. This heat looks too much for me already.

Mild consternation, and felt a bit silly getting driven back but - enough. So - here I am.

Thank you for the understanding replies. To repeat, I knew I was reacting possibly OTT; It's sorted, he was a mild annoyance and I should have nipped it in the bud but the bud is nipped now.

@FrescoeDay oh so you were absolutely bloody right. He wanted to drag you round AND refused to take no for an answer. THANK GOODNESS you planned so hard what you wanted to say and do.
You handled it perfectly
I hope you had a really lovely day the next day. And that he didn't act up all p.a. later about "being dumped" (which he wasn't)

Sparting · 15/09/2024 16:59

I’m desperate to know the update

OhcantthInkofaname · 15/09/2024 21:23

Well you did nip it in the bud. But he kept finding other buds. He was determined to spend part of the day with you. Some men are that way.

Lolaandbehold · 18/09/2024 00:26

I'm very late to the party, OP, but did you go alone the following day?

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