solo day out - unwanted company

[FrescoeDay]

I actually know I'm not being unreasonable but my reaction may be out of proportion and I need help wording my response for my desired outcome - solitude.

I'm on a sort of retreat in Italy. Tomorrow I arranged to go on a day trip away from the base to look at some art. I'd arranged for the car to the station, bought my train ticket and was looking forward to it. I told my next door room mate who told someone else who over dinner tonight said he was coming along 'if I didn't mind.' Of course I don't mind him going to the town and looking at the art. If he is here a week it is his opportunity. Of course I don't mind if he catches the same train - although, honestly, I don't want to chat and be friendly and 'on' for an hour plus on the train there (and back?!) Why should I?

I do not want to spend 6 hours going around museums galleries, churches, having lunch, with a stranger. I prefer to look at art alone at my own pace and have my own responses. But over dinner I could hardly say that. The prick (pardon me) cornered me. I am so angry I'm finding it hard to relax. This may be disproportionate. The thing is I am quite able to be cold and freeze people if I feel like it - but I don't want to introduce awkwardness let alone animosity. I am meeting the driver of the retreat tomorrow morning and this other unwanted guest. I don't want to stop him if this is his one chance to go to the town. But I refuse to have my day stolen from me because I end up being polite to this man. I need a healthy middle ground. I am 46. I can't believe I am still being imposed on like this. I don't want to snap but I may.

Thanks for hearing me out. Perspective needed. This has touched a nerve you can tell. I would just never ever do this.

The dreadful thing this was my first instinct but too much like cutting off my nose to spite my face.

Well, yes and no. I do have a voice; it's getting used tomorrow. It is wild to me that he would meet someone and an hour later just casually drop in that he was coming too. Him getting the taxi and train is not something I can veto so just a (mildly) awkward convo tomorrow...

I fully understand the desire for a day alone - that's something I would want as well.

But gently... you seem to be making your people-pleasing all his fault. He isn't ignoring hints or expressed preferences because you haven't given any. He specifically offered you an out when he said "if you don't mind" and you didn't take it.

I've got my own anxieties about ruffling feathers and speaking up for myself so I understand why you hesitated, but I think your anger is misplaced. We're adults, no one should be tiptoeing around us trying to constantly anticipate our wishes and wondering "well she said it was ok but maybe that was a lie and I should take her answer to mean the exact opposite thing. Oh god I shouldn't have expressed my own wishes or interests to begin with she probably thinks I'm so aggressive." That is absolutely exhausting and unproductive for everyone involved.

Take some deep breaths and summon the spine tomorrow at breakfast to just tell him. Don't make it some elaborate, fraught thing, don't come up with a bunch of justifications, don't lie. Easy and to the point. "Good morning, James. I'm happy to share a lift to the station but I was looking forward to a day exploring on my own after that, so I'll let you go your own way and see you when we arrive back in [base town]." Then when you get to the station, wish him a good day and walk off in the other direction.

Enjoy your blessed alone time.

Just catch him in the morning and tell him that you felt put on the spot when it was bought up at dinner last night, you're happy to catch the taxi together, but you were actually looking forward to spending the day on your own and would prefer to go your separate ways.

He may not want to be on his own and may have assumed that you feel the same way, so if he knows you don't want to buddy up he may prefer not to go at all.

I think the idea of ditching him when you get there is quite mean when you could just have a quick conversation before hand.

When you see him in the morning say, “I’m getting the return train at x o’clock, so if you get that one back I’ll see you back at the car when the train lands. Have a good day!”

Good grief woman, there is no need for all the drama. And there is no need for all these cries of men imposing themselves on women. You really should have just said last night when he asked if you that actually you are looking forward to some alone time so you're happy to share the car but not interested in a companion. That ship has sailed now though.
Just say to him tomorrow before ye head off , "John I was caught off guard last night at dinner. I have planned my day today and am looking forward to spending some time out by myself so more than happy to share the car to the train but I'll be leaving you too it after that. If you want we can catch up at the end of the day to get the car back"
End of discussion, no need for lies or made up excuses.

Has he got designs on you by any chance op? He does sound a bit forward, so I think as others say, you're going to have to be quite direct with him.

All fair points. Thank you. I'll say before he gets in the car. I said originally I was likely getting it out of proportion but - I don;t know- just seemed opportunistic and annoying and of course I am cross with myself for letting it fly by because I didn't want to embarrass him in front of a table of people.

Per the next commenter, I am 100% sure that's exactly what he feels and wants, and if I told you what this place was for you would see how borderline tasteless that was (in my opinion) .

I don't think you should sit with him on the train, because you'll either have to pretend your book/phone is fascinating, or give in and make conversation. Get into a different carriage. Might be OK on the way back when you have something to talk about. It's a bloody cheek for someone to muscle in on your day. I hope you have a fabulous time!

Try to avoid this passive aggressive behaviour if you can, may be awkward but the direct approach as suggested by pps is better in the long run. He might come looking for you on the train and take a while to get the message from these cues.

Agreed. And my preferred method too.

Thanks all. I did just need to take a breath.

I would cancel and rearrange quietly for another day. People like this are very difficult to say no to and can be unpleasant and even scary when denied.

I think you're angry at the wrong person. If you wanted to say no, you could and should have done so. It doesn't sound like he has been remotely forceful. Instead of silently seething at him, worth taking some time to reflect on why you have let yourself get into a situation you are uncomfortable with for the sake of a total stranger's feelings and how you fix it both in the short term and longer term.

Good thing is that there is still time to fix it tomorrow and have the day you want.

He very well may just be the type of person who prefers to have company on outings when available (this is normal preference just like our desire to have alone time is perfectly normal) and is assuming you're the same as him in the same way you're thinking that your desire for alone time should just be assumed.

De-escalate this in your mind, stop attaching a bunch of stored up anger and frustration to this one person who has done nothing wrong, and communicate what you want. Then you can move on and enjoy your day.

This is an option. Just looked and it will be scorching hot tomorrow which is not ideal, yet Thursday - clement. I'll go to meet the driver in the morning and depending on vibes will say, it's too hot today, you enjoy it, I'll go tomorrow.
Not just plausible but true. There's something smooth about this man that just weighs on me.

So bloody cheeky.

If I fancied going along, I’d be so careful to make sure the person whose idea it was didn’t mind us sharing transport / didn’t think I meant to invade their privacy for the whole day.

The fact he hasn’t given this a second thought shows he either doesn’t care whether you wanted company, or he knows full well you didn’t, and is relying on you being too polite to say no. (As a woman your wishes are obviously irrelevant.) Or, maybe worse(!), he believes you to be lonely and that he’s doing you a favour by announcing he will escort you.

You can handle this nonsense, have a lovely day, I’m very jealous!

Definitely listen to those feelings. I was on holiday alone once and the owner of a local restaurant brought some olives to my table but the condition was I had to share them with him! It was so awkward I went along with it and then spent the whole last day of my holiday hiding from him. He even came to my hotel to take me to the airport and was quite nasty when I said no. Your situation reminds me of this.

I can. I will. I agree. Thank you!

Funny what certain things stir up... Ah well. All manageable

Oh Lord how unpleasant and what a drag! Will be grim if he turns nasty. You don't want to approach the world suspicious and on your guard all the time but I think there are times when you just know you're being imposed on. I will have this cleanly and politely sorted by 9am tomorrow.

Thanks for posting

I understand what you’re saying and I think some are missing the point of your post. You have openly stated you’re not scared to tell him you don’t want to spend time with him but he caught you off guard and I suspect most would struggle to fob someone off when caught of guard in the moment without snapping.

The audacity of men astounds me, why one earth would he assume you’re okay with him tagging along / joining your day out’ etc? The irony is that he should be the one that feels awkward not you, he absolutely should have said something like ‘that sounds great, I would like to do that but I absolutely won’t impose on your time / day etc.’ and then he could have judged your reaction and acted accordingly but as usual it’s the woman that ends up feeling uncomfortable.

Hopefully he leaves you alone, I suspect he won’t because they have allllllll the audacity. Of course you should be lucky he wants to be with you blah blah blah.

Good luck x

Unlike most others, I find it very weird that someone at some kind of retreat would assume that another attendee would want their company all day. It would be one thing to say “since the car is going, is it okay if I go to the station at the same time, to save the driver an extra trip?” - but even then I’d make it totally clear that I didn’t expect to tag along for the rest of the day, or even to impose my company on the other person during the train ride. People don’t go to retreats to make friends or to pick up a partner or to find a quick shag. They go because they want peace and quiet and contemplation. Under those circumstances, the polite thing to do is to assume your company is not wanted, unless you get a very clear message to the contrary.

The weather excuse sounds plausible.

Please don't do this as you are leaving it wide open for him to agree and suggest cancelling too and tagging along the next day instead. Please just advocate for yourself and be honest. There is nothing wrong with not wanting his company and you don't have to make up excuses or cancel your day.

Thank you, yes there are (optional) dinners together and that's friendly and convivial but this is not really a social meet-new-people thing.

It's not even something I can't sort. I wanted to vent. I've dealt with hairier situations than this one - just a pain that some people don't seem to have that little modicum of respect or tact or whatever given the circs.