solo day out - unwanted company

[FrescoeDay]

I actually know I'm not being unreasonable but my reaction may be out of proportion and I need help wording my response for my desired outcome - solitude.

I'm on a sort of retreat in Italy. Tomorrow I arranged to go on a day trip away from the base to look at some art. I'd arranged for the car to the station, bought my train ticket and was looking forward to it. I told my next door room mate who told someone else who over dinner tonight said he was coming along 'if I didn't mind.' Of course I don't mind him going to the town and looking at the art. If he is here a week it is his opportunity. Of course I don't mind if he catches the same train - although, honestly, I don't want to chat and be friendly and 'on' for an hour plus on the train there (and back?!) Why should I?

I do not want to spend 6 hours going around museums galleries, churches, having lunch, with a stranger. I prefer to look at art alone at my own pace and have my own responses. But over dinner I could hardly say that. The prick (pardon me) cornered me. I am so angry I'm finding it hard to relax. This may be disproportionate. The thing is I am quite able to be cold and freeze people if I feel like it - but I don't want to introduce awkwardness let alone animosity. I am meeting the driver of the retreat tomorrow morning and this other unwanted guest. I don't want to stop him if this is his one chance to go to the town. But I refuse to have my day stolen from me because I end up being polite to this man. I need a healthy middle ground. I am 46. I can't believe I am still being imposed on like this. I don't want to snap but I may.

Thanks for hearing me out. Perspective needed. This has touched a nerve you can tell. I would just never ever do this.

I would just be honest. You want to spend the day alone. You don't have to give reasons. Just be polite and explain the way you have here.

Ok so you're getting a taxi into town together basically?

As soon as you arrive in the town you say, 'Well, have a great day! See you later!' and immediately walk off!

If he says, 'oh are we not going together?' you say 'ah I was really rather looking forward to spending the day alone doing things at my own pace. See you later!'

If he still persists at that point you say, 'I don't want to be rude, but no. I want to spend the day alone. Bye.'

Honestly just do it. It won't be as bad as you fear.

Pretend you've got a headache coming on and wear sunglasses. Just tell him the time to meet back at the car and tell him that you want to go at your own pace and not hold him up.

Just say in the car on the way to the station: I think I’d like to do this by myself, I need my headspace. I’ll see you when we get back.
You don’t owe him anything, you’re on this retreat for yourself. Who cares if his feelings will be wounded?

But now I want to know what kind of retreat it is, because I’ve got a birthday coming up and I want to do something similar. My only criteria is no yoga and no men 😂

Sorry, regarding the train, I'd run off to get a coffee or something and hopefully not see them in the carriage.

If you do just open a book or put your headphones in and close your eyes until they get the message

If you are sharing a taxi or getting the bus together I’d do as @Beepybopp said and say thanks for sharing the lift, enjoy your day.

Have you arranged a lift back from the station? You could say "if you would like a lift back tonight, you will need to be back at the station by 6.00, unless you have made other arrangements". This is being friendly but at the same time very clearly implying you are not expecting them to hang around with you.

I think you need to be upfront with him before you go and say, "Just wanted to say I'm going to spend the day on my own tomorrow. I never get a chance to have time to myself at home, so I've promised myself a solo day as a huge treat."

Thanks all!

Yeah it's a car to the train together and then an hour's train journey and in theory we should probably co ordinate the train we get back (basically the retreat driver will collect us).

I think this - or the announcement over dinner - is one of those occasions where without my wanting to I found myself saying yeah fine and then resentment started to brew and now I'm hopping mad.

I have sunglasses, book, headphones, but in a way I am annoyed at having to deploy them. Just as I will be mildly annoyed at myself if I end up bringing up my boyfriend or saying I 'need' alone time. His presumptuousness has hacked me off. And I wish I'd had a more ready reply in the moment. Sure, we can share the car.

I think there is zero danger of me actually spending tomorrow having to remark on every church and painting to this fellow but I'm so cross I could end up being rude and that's not me either. At this place all day you are alone/ working and then dinner is the one convivial time of the day...

I will read on the train (my plan anyway) and then pick something outlandish to go and look at first...

Alas there are men and they leap on your plans. Yoga. None. It's optionally semi-spiritual I guess...

This would work and I may end up with a variation but isn't it annoying that you have to almost have this little pretend intimacy/ lie to get your time. As if they're doing you a favour.

It's absolutely fine and not at all rude to say "I am looking forward to spending the day alone tomorrow, I don't often get the chance. We can share a taxi but after that I will go off by myself and see you back at the hotel"

Please just communicate honestly rather than making up weird excuses or dropping hints that they will probably miss! All the anger will go.as soon as you do.

You are on this retreat for you... plan what you will say tomorrow.. use the retreat leader if you need to.. then enjoy every moment of the time on your own.

Good morning John, it is great we can share the car to the station, I hope you understand that this day out is part of my retreat and I am looking forward to doing it alone, in quiet contemplation, I will meet you back here at XX and I look forward to hearing how your day was.

"oh sorry I have leprosy"

I still don't think there's any need to lie or feel awkward. It's not offensive or personal to this man that you don't want company. Just tell him politely. Don't worry about his reaction - that's outside your control and he should have realised when he came up with the idea that you might say no.

Post sounds completely ridiculous & of course you could have said you were going on your own over dinner. Look at the language, hopping mad, cross, hacked off, resentment, rude, resentment, awkward, animosity , so much drama. I'd highly doubt anyone would want to be around this negativity on a day out anyway. 🙄

I agree it's best to be direct and honest and infinitely prefer it. I'd feel grim if I said I had a migraine or needed precious time alone. Annoying to contort anything. It'll be ok of course and I'll do just this. Let him feel awkward and annoyed if he had assumed otherwise.

You are not over reacting. I would be mad too!

You aren't wrong. Is this a rare occasion when the word 'triggered' actually applies? I feel just that.

The point is he has seen no negativity. He's seen a smiling friendly woman over dinner.

🤣
seriously just say you are fine sharing the taxi but after that you will be separating and doing your own thing.

I will, I will. You all know the score. A minor annoyance of course in the scheme of things. I've had things my own way here for weeks I seem to have forgotten how to negotiate minor social blips.

Just be very clear with him.
I'd do it over breakfast with witnesses so he can't later make you out to be nasty or unreasonable.

Morning Fred, about today.
I just want to be clear that I've got my day planned and don't want company, I'm someone who needs time alone to decompress. I'm happy yo share a taxi with you into town but then I'm going off to do my thing and I'll meet you back here at xoclock for the taxi back again. I'm sure you'll understand and respect my need for a day alone and have no problem doing your thing.

I'd make sure that the taxi driver knows that you're not spending the day together and he needs to wait for you to go back.
I'd nit give the other person any information about my plans for the day so they can't follow me & "accidentally" find me
Have a great day.

"The point is he has seen no negativity. He's seen a smiling friendly woman over dinner."

@FrescoeDay

The smiling, friendly woman is allowed to change her mind.

Forget the excuses.

You tell this man when you next see him that you're happy to share the car to the station but after that he's on his own. You want to spend the day on your own. If he happens to be on the same train home then share the car back, otherwise he can make his own arrangements.

You're on a retreat. So retreat. Just simply tell the man over breakfast that you'll be disappearing on arrival as you prefer to retreat into yourself whilst observing art. No offence mate but that's why I came on retreat.
You're not going to the Sistine Chapel for a scream are you

I just wouldn't go, and tell someone at the place to tell the driver I'd changed my mind but to take the other guy, and let him go alone.

Spending that much time with someone I don't know in close proximity is my idea of hell. At best, people like that never stop talking and never leave you alone no matter what you say.

Don't you have a voice?

You can't blame him for imposing on you if you haven't told him you want to be on your own.