solo day out - unwanted company

[FrescoeDay]

I actually know I'm not being unreasonable but my reaction may be out of proportion and I need help wording my response for my desired outcome - solitude.

I'm on a sort of retreat in Italy. Tomorrow I arranged to go on a day trip away from the base to look at some art. I'd arranged for the car to the station, bought my train ticket and was looking forward to it. I told my next door room mate who told someone else who over dinner tonight said he was coming along 'if I didn't mind.' Of course I don't mind him going to the town and looking at the art. If he is here a week it is his opportunity. Of course I don't mind if he catches the same train - although, honestly, I don't want to chat and be friendly and 'on' for an hour plus on the train there (and back?!) Why should I?

I do not want to spend 6 hours going around museums galleries, churches, having lunch, with a stranger. I prefer to look at art alone at my own pace and have my own responses. But over dinner I could hardly say that. The prick (pardon me) cornered me. I am so angry I'm finding it hard to relax. This may be disproportionate. The thing is I am quite able to be cold and freeze people if I feel like it - but I don't want to introduce awkwardness let alone animosity. I am meeting the driver of the retreat tomorrow morning and this other unwanted guest. I don't want to stop him if this is his one chance to go to the town. But I refuse to have my day stolen from me because I end up being polite to this man. I need a healthy middle ground. I am 46. I can't believe I am still being imposed on like this. I don't want to snap but I may.

Thanks for hearing me out. Perspective needed. This has touched a nerve you can tell. I would just never ever do this.

After the taxi, “Right, I’m off… have a nice day. See you later!” Walk away quickly.

'I'll join you if you don't mind' is very different to 'that sounds interesting, would you mind if I joined you?'

Ones a statement, ones a question.

Asked publicly, difficult to say no to the first at the time.
I think OP just needs to put him right in a polite but assertive way, no big drama

I wouldn’t even go as far to offer to catch a lift in or lift back. You have no obligation to organise anyone else. If the tag-along wants to share a ride they can sort themselves out.

What happened OP?

^^ This script.

Though I’m sympathetic about being caught off guard and about feeling angry with the man, when really you’re angry with yourself.

Yeah that’s what I was thinking. You could’ve just told the guy you wanted a day to yourself and now you’re angry with yourself. It’s not late though. Just say “see you later” when you get out the taxi and act surprised if he says you though you were going to spend the day together. Tell him you’ve already got plans and hurry off.

Why can't she just be angry at the man, for the imposition? And whatever else she has picked up about his manner and his intentions - given she is there in the flesh and would know better than us?

I guess the imposition wouldn’t be such a problem if she’d said no? I get that she was caught off guard though.

Keep us updated

YANBU to want to go alone, of course. But YABU to get so angry and be calling the man a prick when you could have said "Actually I need some time out, so you'd better go separately".

I think your feelings of anger are really excessive.

It’s not something to get angry about at all.

As others have said, you just need to say, “I’m looking forward to spending the day by myself to enjoy things at my own pace.”

I sympathise OP. I was always taught (I think surely many of us were) that it is not socially acceptable to want to spend time alone rather than with people; if offered company you have to say yes or else you're considered rude and unfriendly. Lots of people here are berating you for falling prey to this early training of "mustn't refuse company" and not rejecting the man immediately, but I think it is much harder to do in person (and unanticipated to boot) than they are acknowledging. It's also very normal to resent people who impose as he did imo.

I hope you manage to avoid him as much as possible today.

How is he a 'prick ' because hes unable to read your mind and realize that you want to be alone for the day.

Retreats are tricky for this reason - well they are wonderful but only if everyone respects boundaries and while most people are good at taking hints there can be one person who doesn't realise that you aren't actually with friends, everyone is their for their own reasons and while it may be a social event for you it's not for others.... the clue is in the name.

I would take @Beepybopp 's advice. While I could never pull that off in my own life I know that some can and I greatly admire them.

He might just be a bit socially unaware and didn’t think to check that the OP was ok with company. But also the OP is getting vibes that he is perusing her. The context makes that more inappropriate according to the OP. I do think he should have chatted to her privately first to sound it out. My DH is very sociable and assumes everyone wants to hang out with everyone and would be at risk of doing this I reckon.

I completely sympathise and I think that the criticisms of you are misplaced. It’s an imposition. I’d have no problem in explaining that, particularly as I’m on a sort of retreat, I prefer my own company. Just get out of the car and say “see you later”. If he persists explain that you want to spend the day on your own.

What a nasty little post. Do you take your own advice about being polite, or are you above that?

She’s entitled to feel as she feels and she’s partly angry with herself. The OP hasn’t called him a prick to his face, it’s how she’s thinking of him and she just made the reference to him being a prick on here, which is ok.

Of course being caught off guard is the woman's fault and being angry with herself when imposed upon is the proper response to this. The woman is to blame after all, and has no right to feel the way she does.

The OP is on a retreat - surely the default is to assume she will want peace and space, and encroach on that only if it is clearly welcome. Yet this man has seen fit to commandeer her time and hijack the arrangements she made for herself. Yes she can and probably will put him straight - but don't blame her for being angry at having to deal with the awkwardness of doing this, on a trip that is supposed to be all about pleasing herself and having personal space.

Sorry but I have had it up to here with being imposed upon by pushy men 'just being friendly' over my lifetime. I am a lot older than the op and I don't put up with it any more and don't care if anyone thinks I am rude or unfriendly. I already have friends thanks and accept more of them in my life only if I choose to have them. Of course as I have got older it happens much less often and I have much less call to be assertive. Funny that.

Some of the responses on this thread are odd in their hostility and viciousness towards the OP (not necessarily the quoted post, just a general observation). It's almost as if it is triggering to them.

Also she has suggested that the specific context makes his behaviour particularly unreasonable.

'I would cancel and rearrange quietly for another day. People like this are very difficult to say no to and can be unpleasant and even scary when denied.'

This. Don't tell him, don't rearrange with him. If he sees you at dinner just shrug it off, say you fancied going on a different day.

We shouldn't have to spend a day with anyone, particularly a man, who we don't want to.

Women don’t half get themselves in knots through lack of directness.

I do not want to spend 6 hours going around museums galleries, churches, having lunch, with a stranger. I prefer to look at art alone at my own pace and have my own responses. But over dinner I could hardly say that.

Of course you could. And that’s all you need to say to him today.

I understand its easy to happen like that. I would try to find the courage to go and tell him right now /too late as I am typing this in the morning/ that to avoid misunderstanding the following day that what you ment you dont mind if he used the same "taxi" but you are spendint the day on your own and not looking for a company. That way it shouldnt keep you awake all night and all the way in the car.

Honestly she doesn't need to do thus. He's not Hannibal Lector. Overkill.