To let my DD be a tomboy in this society

[CowboyJoanna]

My youngest DD is 6 years old and she is a massive tomboy. And when I say a tomboy, I don't just mean she prefers cars to dolls, or prefers trousers to skirts. She hates anything and everything even remotely girly.
Her interests include star wars, cars, football. All her friends at school are boys and she even gets invited to 'boys only' birthday parties. Her teacher has told me in school reports that she is 'one of the boys'.
Everytime we go to clothes shops she runs straight over to the boys section, even insists on wearing the boys school uniforms and has thrown massive tantrums whenever I've even tried to pick out packs of 'girls school shirts' even though theyre her size and only difference is they button the other way.
She has her hair cut very short close to her scalp, and even though she has a feminine name we call her a similar-sounding nickname more associated with boys for short. If you were to look at her, you would have no reason to expect shes a girl. Shopkeepers have even called her 'mate' or 'good lad', and though DD doesnt bat an eyelid it does make me worry.

It happened again yesterday when I took DD to the dentist, and the receptionist said to her 'youre getting a big boy arent you?'. And it got me thinking given that schools will start teaching her about how you can change your gender, i worry that my DD will be vulnerable and start thinking that shes a boy. Especially with everyone already mistaking her for one. But at the same time, thats how she likes to dress, likes to play and how she likes her hair, and she likes her 'boyish' nickname i dont want to stop her from being herself. Shes a very happy, confident, strongwilled little girl.

But what do i do for her long term happiness?

Does anyone have any reccomendations for good books or literature to help DD realise there are other girls like her and she doesnt have to write off all girls as boring or petty or, well, 'girly'?

Maybe focus on women rather than girls - teach her about women in history (and the present day) who have done amazing things? Kamala Harris might be good, if she wins. Maybe aim for a mix of those who are conventionally femme in appearance etc and those that aren't, to show that whether you like dresses etc really doesn't have anything to do either way with whether you have brains or talent or courage or mechanical aptitude or anything else at all.

You accept her as she is and don't try and enforce your beliefs on her

Despite MN hysteria, no one is "forcing" girls to become boys and boys to become girls

You want her to be happy? Don't try and make her someone she isn't. Don't make a fuss over unusual gender norms. Including the fact that MAYBE one day when she's older she'll announce she's genderfluid or trans.

Sounds like these boys are pretty unpleasant with their homophobic language. I think that is where the problem lies. Not your daughter's interests.

Famous five
Swallows and Amazons

Maybe a bit older than 6 though

Yes one of DD's best friends has a...bulldog of a man for a dad. Neck tattoos, big muscles, stern scrowly face, looks like a bouncer. Not a particularly nice man but his son and DD are inseparable.
But I do live in a very rough area where a lot of boys do talk like this (even little mites effing and jeffing coming home from nursery)

But I've raised my own children not to swear and that kind of language is not okay. Im wondering if thats where some of the extremes of DD's behaviour come from

No girl is born wrong and really a boy, that’s just nonsense, it’s completely insane.

There is plenty of evidence that activists have targeted vulnerable children to convince them that they are trans. This is now being widely reported , it is also being discussed on Mumsnet.

@CowboyJoanna

i understand your concerns, I was petrified that people would try to trans our daughter, especially as she goes to the same school as the children of a mermaids employee (shudder).

we were very consistent about there being lots of ways to be a girl or boy and never made a big deal out of her wanting the blue thing or the thing with sharks or dinosaurs on it. We had lots of books about strong women and girls - I can’t remember them all now but “a might girl” is a good FB account to follow for recommendations.

when she went to High school she decided to grow her shirt hair out and now enjoys make up and skin care. She still doesn’t like pink and is currently trying on being a goth for size.

she’s really grateful we approached it as we did because she can see how in another family she’d have been pushed down the trans route where we never ever commented on her choices or preferences.

If she is into sci-fi there are actual series from the 1960s e.g. star trek which were ground breaking about sex and race roles. Get her to watch them.

If she is interested in science and/or computing then there are lots women involved e.g. code breakers, space scientists. It's a case of working out what is age appropriate you can show her or afford to take her to.

One of the issues you probably have which I don't because I work in the tech industry and have always been interested in science that it is easier for me to find people who back up my stance. So when kids in school say crap to my DD about what she likes she has people older than them who tell her they are talking nonsense due to their own interests and/or jobs.

Btw The famous five books are sexist and reinforce gender roles. George thinks girls aren't good enough and the adults have stereotypical gender roles. To put it bluntly none of the teachers at my secondary school were impressed by Enid Blyton writing and they weren't all raving lefties.

@CowboyJoanna haven't followed the thread much since it started going away from where it seemed you were hoping it to but this list of book recommendations just came up on my socials and some of the points made me think of your DD.

https://l.facebook.com/l.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.instagram.com%2Freel%2FCKA3IvxSWa%2F&h=AT0Ae-t6UJKztau9B5AFiaj6Hg6YSUhUIoRCjlIisBhslLZWBsWHBhrpEhu6cvtIoUht21XxzC5tV2Z1FSj3XiWemHRF4RybRkHtI942YnaxG4PHFMyXQ490LcUdLGFTf&s=1

maybe some positive messaging in there for being yourself whoever that is. Maybe the key is building her up so strong that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says. She'll know herself best 😊

I think there are also more suggestions in the comments which might be worth checking out.

I tend to put titles into YouTube these days as there's almost always a video of someone reading the book outloud so you can check before you buy it

No. Because a girl born in the wrong body is..
A boy.

Transgenderism isn't new. It's been around for years.

There's hearsay. I'm not on about drugs being pushed, I agree drugs being pushed on children is definitely an issue, but letting children explore who they are isn't bad

Not so long ago Gay children would be considered as wrong, going through a phase, being brainwashed...

how on earth can a girl be born wrong &really be a boy? 🙄

are you suggesting that we have gendered souls or brains or that if we don’t follow gendered stereotypes we must not really be female.

what a load of regressive nonsense. A girl can be whatever she wants to be apart from being a boy, because that’s impossible .

And being gay is based on a demonstrable sexual preference which has nothing to do with regressive stereotypes. Gender ideology is homophobic to the core, as demonstrated by the phenomenon of the lesbian penis.

Not so long ago Gay children would be considered as wrong, going through a phase, being brainwashed...

Being gay and being trans are actually total opposites of each other.

Gay rights are about being accepted for who you are. The Trans ask is to be affirmed something they are not.

No one is born in the wrong body, it's a totally nonsensical concept

@CowboyJoanna it's really tough. My DD was exactly the same as your DD from a very young age. I let her go with it and did what everyone on here is saying... reinforced that girls can do/like/wear anything. This was all ok in primary school.

Secondary school has been really difficult. She's had an ASD diagnosis and is fully bought into the trans story. She's determined to transition. She is having counselling to try and get her to talk through why she wants to transition so she makes the right decision.

She's adamant that as soon as she gets to 18 (only a couple of years to go) she'll be changing into a boy/man. Her mental health is shot (and I'm not doing too good either).

I don't know what I could have done differently but I think you're right that the teachings in school shouldn't include trans ideology. Teenagers are a vulnerable group. I expect DD to try different styles of clothes, hair, makeup and friendship groups at this stage but I'm not happy with the permanent physical changes that transitioning would bring.

I'm doing everything I can to hold off any trans pathway until she is fully clear about what she's doing. If I were you I'd find out exactly what the school are planning to teach your DD about trans issues and make sure that you can give her a balanced view, so that she has all the facts.

I'm sure I'm going to get jumped on for being a transphobe but unless you've walked a day in my shoes please be kind because my heart is broken.

There may be biological reasons why people feel that way though

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7415463/

Yes, and now those gay children are being told that they're really the opposite sex, so lets not wheel out the gays to defend gender ideology which is exceptionally homophobic.

There is no actual concrete evidence that there is however.

I believe that study didn't control for things like sexual orientation even.

How very 1950s of you 🙄

I honestly wouldn’t worry , my daughter is exactly the same as yours , she’s now 8 and has been this way since 3/4 , the only concern I have is that the boys she plays with realise she’s a girl and sometimes won’t let her play as there getting older they can get a little funny about letting a ‘girl ‘ play with them , she doesn’t really play with the girls in her year , doesn’t really get invite to girls party’s and do feel sometimes she doesn’t really fit in anywhere , that said she is happy and there isnt much you can do to change it . High school may be a challenging if they are seen as different but my daughter is t going to change any time soon . I did have one mum come up to
me and say I think your very brave to let your daughter be who she wants to be , you must find it so hard having a girl that wants to look like a boy ! I think she was trying to be nice but came across so patronising 🙄 i did tell her where to go to be honest which I’m sure she don’t expect or appreciate but I wasn’t in the mood and to be honest I didn’t do school mums 🤣.