To let my DD be a tomboy in this society

[CowboyJoanna]

My youngest DD is 6 years old and she is a massive tomboy. And when I say a tomboy, I don't just mean she prefers cars to dolls, or prefers trousers to skirts. She hates anything and everything even remotely girly.
Her interests include star wars, cars, football. All her friends at school are boys and she even gets invited to 'boys only' birthday parties. Her teacher has told me in school reports that she is 'one of the boys'.
Everytime we go to clothes shops she runs straight over to the boys section, even insists on wearing the boys school uniforms and has thrown massive tantrums whenever I've even tried to pick out packs of 'girls school shirts' even though theyre her size and only difference is they button the other way.
She has her hair cut very short close to her scalp, and even though she has a feminine name we call her a similar-sounding nickname more associated with boys for short. If you were to look at her, you would have no reason to expect shes a girl. Shopkeepers have even called her 'mate' or 'good lad', and though DD doesnt bat an eyelid it does make me worry.

It happened again yesterday when I took DD to the dentist, and the receptionist said to her 'youre getting a big boy arent you?'. And it got me thinking given that schools will start teaching her about how you can change your gender, i worry that my DD will be vulnerable and start thinking that shes a boy. Especially with everyone already mistaking her for one. But at the same time, thats how she likes to dress, likes to play and how she likes her hair, and she likes her 'boyish' nickname i dont want to stop her from being herself. Shes a very happy, confident, strongwilled little girl.

But what do i do for her long term happiness?

You let her know that women smash gender stereotypes and she can like what she wants but she is a girl and there’s nothing wrong with that.

There’s more gender stereotyping nowadays than when I was young a tomboy! It’s bloody sad.

Stop calling her a tomboy for a start. And stop reinforcing the idea that some things are 'boyish'.

She's just a girl, who likes stuff.

My dd is the same, apart from the hair, and I just make sure there are strong female role models, tell her it's stupid labeling stuff as 'girls' and 'boys' at her age and let her get on with being herself without putting a gender onto names or hobbies.

You reinforce that she’s a girl and will always be a girl, but that being a girl doesn’t mean she can’t dress a particular way and like particular things, because that’s all gender is: your particular culture’s stereotypes of what people who are male and people who are female should look like and behave like and enjoy. You can talk about different countries in the world and how if she’d been born there as a girl, people would have entirely different expectations of how she should be - reinforcing her understanding that these things aren’t immutable, like being male or female are, but change depending on how you are raised.

Agree with avoiding words like “tomboy” and “girly”: that just creates a sense of division. She likes things that make her happy and comfortable. They don’t need more reductive labels.

"Her interests include star wars, cars, football"
None of these things are inherently masculine and plenty of women and girls have always been interested in them.

I was a 'tomboy' as a child and was also mistaken for a boy right until I was in high school. These things don't make us think we're male.

This was me from age 6 or 7 until I was about 11 or 12. Just let her crack on.

I would do but its a very different world these days. transgenderism didnt exist when we were a child and you didnt have teachers telling you you can change your sex as and when you feel like it

i was a massive tomboy as a child and now as an adult, I wear men’s clothes interested in things that could be considered male hobbies.

big thing for me was just keep reenforcing in age appropriate ways that it’s fine to be a girl who’s into all of this, male clothes are male just because of current fashion, likewise hobbies type thing, and its fine to be a girl who likes those things. Essentially you don’t need to become a boy to like this.

I was a "tomboy" when I was little. Probably from around 5 to maybe 7 or 8. I wanted to be like Georgina from the Famous Five - she was my idol! I even got a dog and called him Timmy.

I wasn't allowed to cut my hair, but I did wear shorts and jeans exclusively. I played with dolls but cut their hair, huffed and puffed at traditionally "girly" things. My dad (widowed) just ensured that I knew girls could do anything that boys could do. In fact, he told me that girls were cleverer than boys. 😆 That I wasn't a boy and couldn't be a boy. That if boys thought they were better than me at some things, why not prove them wrong? So I did. I beat them at sports and running and all the other games.

Then I turned 8, watched the Music of the Night video with Sarah Brightman and Michael Crawford, fell in love and no longer wanted to be a boy. 🤣 It was dresses and long hair from there on out. And a long, abiding love for gothic literature.

Echo above posters to be fair.
Football, cars, star wars etc, are all things females can enjoy just as much as males.
I've never been a "tomboy" but more so now in my 30s I have a few mens oversized tshirts and shirts in my wardrobe because I like them.
I'd just support her and let her do her thing. If she is happy then she is happy.

Just let her be.

At school the staff will know her and know she is a girl so that issue won’t be there, only with strangers. Let her be the type of girl she wants to be. Always reinforce that girls can do and like anything that boys can. We have boys with long hair at school and girls with short. Girls can and do wear trousers, one boy chooses to wear a dress. All fine.

I wonder why she has such a deep dislike of anything to do with girls. Does she think feminine things are inferior or make her less than?

Your daughter is just like mine and I can understand where you’re coming from.

Mine is also autistic which makes her even more vulnerable.

Just keep reinforcing the fact that there is no wrong way to be a girl, they’re not boys clothes/toys they’re my clothes / toys, and that girls can be anything they want to be.

Post puberty my daughter now has started to prefer girl cut clothes and no one questions her now.

Remind her - all the time - that there are hundreds of ways to be a girl, and she's being a girl in her own unique way, and it's awesome.

My 10yo DD is similar to your daughter, and we just tell her that all the time. She's very interested in STEM and speaking to her in a scientific way helps too - explaining that some people believe that humans can change sex, and that liking so-called 'boyish' things (no such thing) can somehow make every cell in their body change to the opposite sex. This is a belief, and not fact, and it is a very silly one at that.

She's been asked if she's trans and she shuts that down straight away. She's a girl with short hair who hates frilly things and is interested in science and engineering. Nothing wrong with it.

But you have to keep saying this to your daughter, over and over again, OP. Because the messaging in society right now is very much the opposite and damaging as hell.

This was me as a child. My friends were mainly boys, I was the only girl in the football team, loved star wars and hated receiving anything girly for Christmas/birthday. Wore boys clothing unless forced to wear a dress for a family occasion.

I totally get why you are worried, I think if I was given a choice at such a young age I would have chosen to be a boy….luckily I wasn’t told I could chose.

As an adult I am 100% female, I still wear some men’s clothes, most of my friends are men and I have a few so called ‘male hobbies’, but I also like to wear a dress occasionally and I like some girly things….just not many. I’m glad I grew up in the 80’s/90’s where it was just cool to be a Tom boy and we were not told we could be male or female.

let your dd be who she wants to be, tell her it’s fine to like Star Wars, it’s fine to wear boys clothes but remind her she’s female and always will be.

Also, keep your kids and pre-teens off the bloody internet.

I have known two young girls that were similar to your description op. They had great female role models and were allowed to just be. They just didn’t feel like the other girls( both have told me this as adults) and much later realised they were gay. Sometimes chn feel different and don’t know why until hormones kick in.

If you didn’t believe these things were gendered in the first place, then there wouldn’t be a problem. None of the things you’ve mentioned are applicable to one sex.

I think you need to take a look at your hand in this, stop reinforcing gender stereotypes and let her just be a child.

@CrouchingTigerHiddenChocolate Im so pleased you said it!

Why are cars, Star Wars etc not considered female interests and reserved for boys @CowboyJoanna ??

My eldest daughter was (& mainly still is) very similar. I just make it very clear whenever it comes up that while some people think some things are only for boys and others only for girls that in reality girls and boys can all wear and play with whatever they like and have whatever hobbies they want. I explain I think it’s pretty silly to suggest someone shouldn’t like blue or Lego or joggers because you are a girl. She has more recently started to wear a few slightly more typically girls wear things like jumpsuits but is regularly mistaken for a boy. I have made it very clear upfront I think if anyone suggests she has to be a boy because of her dress and interests that they are an idiot and she need not pay any attention to them. If they ask if she might be she can just tell them no she’s a girl who likes joggers.

This! Leave her be.

I understand you are worried about the pressure from school, rather than you questioning it yourself - could you preempt with a meeting with the school? Make it clear she is very young and enjoys these things and want no pressure from anyone around her gender?

Mine was exactly the same. She still loves football and mainly has me friendships. But she is a strong gorgeous woman. She’s autistic which was obvious with hindsight. She’s also gay. But she isn’t and never has thought she’s a boy. After years of short hair, boy style pants and boy clothes She now has long hair, loves make up and jewellery and is driving me mad not to forget she needs a light up make up mirror for uni

This is good advice

Theyre not JUST for boys obviously but when DD is going to school she notices that most girls her age obviously are more interested in princesses, unicorns, dolls, furry animals, squishmallows and pop music etc. She thinks theyre all "sissy stuff" (her words not mine)
And i think thats why DD doesnt fit in with the other girls.

Other girls play differently from how DD wants to play too, reminds me one time she came home from school and she was in a foul mood because in pe she "had to play in the girls team and I dont like girls" and i told her "but you are a girl Ben"