To let my DD be a tomboy in this society

[CowboyJoanna]

My youngest DD is 6 years old and she is a massive tomboy. And when I say a tomboy, I don't just mean she prefers cars to dolls, or prefers trousers to skirts. She hates anything and everything even remotely girly.
Her interests include star wars, cars, football. All her friends at school are boys and she even gets invited to 'boys only' birthday parties. Her teacher has told me in school reports that she is 'one of the boys'.
Everytime we go to clothes shops she runs straight over to the boys section, even insists on wearing the boys school uniforms and has thrown massive tantrums whenever I've even tried to pick out packs of 'girls school shirts' even though theyre her size and only difference is they button the other way.
She has her hair cut very short close to her scalp, and even though she has a feminine name we call her a similar-sounding nickname more associated with boys for short. If you were to look at her, you would have no reason to expect shes a girl. Shopkeepers have even called her 'mate' or 'good lad', and though DD doesnt bat an eyelid it does make me worry.

It happened again yesterday when I took DD to the dentist, and the receptionist said to her 'youre getting a big boy arent you?'. And it got me thinking given that schools will start teaching her about how you can change your gender, i worry that my DD will be vulnerable and start thinking that shes a boy. Especially with everyone already mistaking her for one. But at the same time, thats how she likes to dress, likes to play and how she likes her hair, and she likes her 'boyish' nickname i dont want to stop her from being herself. Shes a very happy, confident, strongwilled little girl.

But what do i do for her long term happiness?

I didn’t wear a swimsuit top on the beach till I was 9 and I had to. All my female cousins did the same, we were in a hot country.

Surprise surprise you're on this thread and spouting untruths @DadJoke

No from personal experience trans activists go to disgusting lengths to target parents who hold the line.

Attacking a mother seeking advice on a parenting site for valid concerns is beyond the pale imo.

Having a different opinion is not 'attacking' nor does it make someone a TRA.

Tell her that girls can do all the stuff she is doing and that it's sad that so many girls don't get a chance to.

'Tomboy'

😳😳😳

She is an individual with her own tastes which don't conform to your adult stereotypes.

Let her be and question your own prejudices

Come on, little girls are allowed to show their bare chest though, because they don't have breasts! Go to the beach in summer and you'll see loads of little girls running around in just their knickers.

You have to stress it's ok for girls to like the boys things. Tell her society has labeled things for girls and boys but that's based on sexism.

My dd has a lot of 'boyish' interests and I've had similar worries in the past but I'm so vocal about my opinion she's fully aware she can be however she wants and it's her biology that makes her a girl not her interests.

I've explained it that gender ideology is a belief system. We have to be respectful and can't discriminate but we don't have to have their beliefs. Helps that we are Christian so I can say we have our beliefs and not everyone shared them but we can coexist peacefully, we don't have the same beliefs of other religions but must be respectful. Gender ideology is another new religion essentially. We love history so have covered a lot of how religions have oppressed and persecuted non believers or different believers. Burning witches etc. Mary and Elizabeth Tudor and the catholic protest and era of our monarchy. I'm now starting to cover the rise of the Nazis and the control of the media references to other similar patterns and other countries that control the media to control the people. My dd would never get sucked in to thinking she's a boy now because she understands as much as a 9 year old can. I think information is the best defence for our girls

First think you do is stop the labelling the second is leave her to be who she is the third is get help if you can't do the first 2

Here is what you DO do: Start NOW reaffirming from every possible angle that women and girls can do whatever they want, wear whatever they want, be friends with whoever they want, and it doesn't stop them from being a girl, and if anyone says differently then they are STUPID and SILLY. Reinforce with loads of examples of role models. Then make sure she understands it is impossible to change sex, and that she will always be a girl/woman, and that's OK because that won't stop her doing any of the things she enjoys, including being mates with boys.

Also start mentioning that some children have two mummies, and that some women fall in love with men and want to have a husband, like you and daddy, but some women fall in love with women and want to have a wife. Just totally normalise it, just in case that information becomes relevant for her later on. Not saying it definitely will, but it won't hurt just in case.

What you absolutely DO NOT do, is tell her she's not allowed to dress the way she wants to dress, or try and get her to be more girly. I have seen it time and time again if you read the stories of trans children/trans people who transitioned as children: they expressed an interest in the clothes/toys/games of the "opposite gender", their parents freaked out and wouldn't let them do it because "that stuff isn't for your gender", so the child reasons "well if that stuff isn't for my gender, but I really like it, then I must be the opposite gender then" and "comes out" as trans. If you read the stories of trans people you'll see it over and over and over.

Also to add, my sons football team has 3 girls on it, and they're fearless, courageous, confident and amazing at what they do on the pitch.
Being a girl does not stop you or define you in doing these types of things that some may consider to be "boy" things. Your DD is still so young, just let her be!

Me and my sisters were like this but my mum didn’t ever say they were boy things, we just liked them and had lots of boy friends, my sister is in a very make dominated workplace and does all diy but never once has she questioned being a female. I love football and starwars my other sister is into boxing, cars and plays rugby, none of us wear make up but we know we are woman. Can’t believe the 80s allowed kids to be who they are without stereotypes more than present day. Just let her be but always tell her she is a girl and girls can like and do what they want. I do think it’s so much harder if a boy wants to be feminine and wear feminine clothes

I've always been a "tomboy", my dad taught me boxing, took me fishing and to car auctions from a young age. I played and fought with the boys. I'm still not overly girly. Just let her be herself. I get it's worrying with schools teaching to can be anything/ change gender etc. But education starts at home.

I've always been a "tomboy", my dad taught me boxing, took me fishing and to car auctions from a young age. I played and fought with the boys. I'm still not overly girly. Just let her be herself. I get it's worrying with schools teaching to can be anything/ change gender etc. But education starts at home.

The issue is that there are plenty of school staff that are mistaking themselves for psychologists and teaching transgenderism and socially transing kids - the op is happy with her dd as she is - she is worried that others will look to convince her dd that she is trans based on their rigid gender stereotypes.

Oh for goodness sake 🙄 everyone knows what ‘tomboy’ means. It’s a flawed term but it does actually encapsulate exactly what some young girls are.

Yes of course lots of hobbies and interests are not inherently gendered but there are things that primary age kids are ‘generally’ into more than others, that you can draw a generalisation about ‘boy things’ and ‘girl things’. It’s a pragmatic term.

And it’s not just schools. When my autistic daughter was struggling with her mental health, a CAMHS mental health nurse was suggesting to her that it might be because she was unhappy being a girl. She wore ‘boys clothes’ and hair style because she’s got sensory issues that are common with autistic girls.

This idea that if a child wears the ‘wrong’ clothes it is struggling with their mental health they must be born wrong needs to stop.

In saying things like the above I have been accused of failing my ‘son’ when the reality is I have protected my daughter.

The idea that any child is born wrong is just beyond belief.

I was like this as a child until I hit puberty. Hated being called a tomboy, I never understood why people made a big deal of it. She’s a girl who likes things we as a society deem masculine such as football. It’s nonsense, of course football isn’t just for males. She just doesn’t conform to societal expectations which is pretty cool, let her get on with it and stop worrying about it so much.

The idea that any child is born wrong is just beyond belief.

Exactly. How this idea gained traction I will never understand.

My sister was like this. Only wore boy clothes, only played with boys, her nickname was a male version of her name for 2-3 years said she wanted to be a boy. My parents rolled with it
Once she started secondary school she moved to a gender neutral version of her name, very much still a "tom boy" but now comfortable with being a girl. For her it was less about identifying as a boy, it was more about not identifying with the very narrow version of girl in our small village primary school. All the girls in her class and locally were princesses epitomised. She's in her 30s still gets on much better with men that women but has healthy friendships with both and is happy in herself and is a long term commited relationship with a man. She embraces all of aspects of her personality now the tomboy aspects and the feminine side too. It just took time for her to find where she fit in the world. School is such a false environment especially if it's a small primary.

Influential male fetishists looking to validate their kink

Unfortunately you are probably right

Sounds just like me when i was a kid.
My only advice is keep her away from the gender cult by teaching her that girls/women can wear what they like, like what they like, and be totally kick ass - that stuff isnt reserved for boys, and she isnt one.

Has she ever actually stated that she's a boy or wants to be one? Does she contradict you when you tell people she's a girl?

I think if you give her the message that she's in some way a defective girl who needs fixing because of her tastes and so on, that's way more likely to push her towards the trans thing. And if you force her into more girly dress or activities or whatever, all you'll get is a kid who will hide everything genuine about herself and never tell you anything. (This will extend into adulthood, probably). Just act like it's fine that she's a girl who likes short hair and Star Wars or whatever, and that's perfectly normal and fine (which it is). Raise her in the knowledge that sex is a biological fact and not about your hobbies or the length of your hair. But also that sex is not destiny - women have legal equality nowadays and don't have to be with men or have kids or go into typically female professions or whatever, and she can grow up to be whatever kind of woman she wants to be. She'll probably get a bit more girly when she's older and fancies boys or just becomes more influenced by peer pressure. Or she may not. She may turn into the butchest lesbian you ever met and shave her head. But either way, just keep giving her the message that all women are "real" women and challenge it if anyone's telling her different, and encourage her to challenge it too.

Transgenderism has existed for a lot longer than you've been around - it's just a lot more fashionable now and something that a lot more kids are aware of. The fad will probably pass as fads usually do. But in the meantime, present it to her as what it is - sexist crap based in incredibly retrograde gender roles. Tell her she doesn't need to worry about gender roles at all; she's female, and she's an individual who's going to live the life she wants, and that's great.

She's never said she is a boy, and I've always told her every time she wants to be a boy that she is a girl and theres nothing wrong with that. But I think a couple of the boys she's friends with are 'alpha males' and raised with a toxic masculine/sexist mindset that is unfortunately rubbing off on her. A lot of it I think shes egged on to play up and I think she sees herself as 'better' than other girls and shes starting to get this toxic masculinity where she thinks anything remotely girly is wimpy. Over the summer holidays on a family picnic I was handing out drink cups and pouring cordial in them. DS helped himself to a cup that happened to be pink and DD called him a "poof". Naturally I came down like a ton of bricks with her immediately and I was mortified because thats not the kind of language anyone should be using let alone a little child.

Part of me is wondering, yes she is a tomboy and she does genuinely like the things she likes, but I think what makes this harder is she thinks that anything even remotely associated with girls is bad. I tell her all the time that pink is just a colour and DS occassionally wears pink shirts, just because you dont like dolls doesnt mean youre less of a girl, girls can play sports too etc.

If this behaviour continues I will be ringing up the school and having a little chat