To let my DD be a tomboy in this society

[CowboyJoanna]

My youngest DD is 6 years old and she is a massive tomboy. And when I say a tomboy, I don't just mean she prefers cars to dolls, or prefers trousers to skirts. She hates anything and everything even remotely girly.
Her interests include star wars, cars, football. All her friends at school are boys and she even gets invited to 'boys only' birthday parties. Her teacher has told me in school reports that she is 'one of the boys'.
Everytime we go to clothes shops she runs straight over to the boys section, even insists on wearing the boys school uniforms and has thrown massive tantrums whenever I've even tried to pick out packs of 'girls school shirts' even though theyre her size and only difference is they button the other way.
She has her hair cut very short close to her scalp, and even though she has a feminine name we call her a similar-sounding nickname more associated with boys for short. If you were to look at her, you would have no reason to expect shes a girl. Shopkeepers have even called her 'mate' or 'good lad', and though DD doesnt bat an eyelid it does make me worry.

It happened again yesterday when I took DD to the dentist, and the receptionist said to her 'youre getting a big boy arent you?'. And it got me thinking given that schools will start teaching her about how you can change your gender, i worry that my DD will be vulnerable and start thinking that shes a boy. Especially with everyone already mistaking her for one. But at the same time, thats how she likes to dress, likes to play and how she likes her hair, and she likes her 'boyish' nickname i dont want to stop her from being herself. Shes a very happy, confident, strongwilled little girl.

But what do i do for her long term happiness?

I also found empowerment in feminism.

Really? I worked with a trans person 20 years ago it is hardly a new concept. It is more accepted now, in the same way as being gay is more accepted than it was 40 years ago say.

Perhaps you only heard about them 5 years ago…but whether you agree with it or not, they have been around for quite a while. I think it’s just been spoken about a lot more in the last 20+ years.

I agree that it might be confusing for your DD to learn about it at school though, but wouldn’t worry about her being trans unless it’s something she actively brings up with you rather than assuming. Maybe talk to her about it directly and explain about how people can defy gender expectations, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re trans or the ‘wrong gender’. If you really feel it’s going to be an issue when it’s covered at school, I’d get ahead of the game and start that conversation with her sooner. She’s gonna learn about it sooner or later, it’s better if you’re in control of what she’s being told at least.

Please don't confuse being gender non-conforming and being trans. Your daughter can play with what she wants, wear what she wants and be who she wants. If she is trans, you will know about it soon enough, and social contagion is not real.

My DS had long hair from about 8 till 11ish and was always mistaken for a girl. What I found really interesting was that people LOVED (what they thought was) a girl with "boyish" behaviour. Men were especially encouraging (in a non-creepy way). He got lots of fond chuckles.

It actually made me a bit sad that 'girl' things are so underappreciated.

Funny how Suzy Green from mermaids gave a Ted Talk about how she knew her toddler was trans because of preferred toys and clothes, eh. Lies are hard to tell when the internet keeps the score!

I'll be honest, I took offense at your title. "Let" your daughter be "a tomboy"?
Having read your thread it seems you're more worried about external influences than your daughter's interests but all you can do there is build your daughter's confidence in who she is so she doesn't start to think she is wrong/weird/different.
We've had a lot of discussion in this house over the years about how "boy stuff"/"girl stuff" is stupid and people can like what they want. Girls can like football. Boys can like unicorns. The stereotypes are frankly bollocks.

I would discourage the teachers calling her ‘one of the boys’ on her school reports!

Just let her be herself! Both my daughters were like this and often mistaken for boys. Who cares? One is now a butch lesbian the other quite a girly looking girl - more importantly they are happy and have ace personalities (but then I'm the mum so bit biased).x

Let her be herself. Because if you don't you will have a very unhappy child.

Of course social contagion is real. It’s a well recognised phenomena for plenty of mental conditions, not just for being trans. It’s always been a particular issue at girls schools for some reason.

I would too, but since in this case both daughter and teacher are clearly fictional, we probably don't need to worry too much.

My body is me is a good book for her. Or the bedtime book all about different women.

I was a classic tomboy and went into tech. Just let her know there are many ways to be a girl.

Get ahead of the school thing if you are worried about it and let them know that any conversation about her "gender identity" is off the table.

I worked with a trans person twenty years ago. They've existed for more than five years.

That aside, I really don't see what you are worried about OP.

She is young. Many girls like football etc.

I was exactly like her when I was young except in the 80s people really were sexist and there weren't any girls football teams in my area etc etc.

In your shoes I would get her involved with girls' football. www.englandfootball.com/participate/women-and-girls

You seem to implying that your alternative option is to force her to like traditional girls' stuff - you could try to do that but I'm not sure it would work.

Nobody is allowed to give under 18s puberty blockers in the UK anymore. Surgical treatment is also not available to under 18s

assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/5b3a478240f0b64603fc181b/GEO-LGBT-factsheet.pdf

So she might get taught about "trans" in school but there's no access to any kind of treatment any more for minors unless you take her to Thailand and frankly most of the teens and pre-teens these days are gender critical - the group that is pro-trans is the twenties and late teens.

Her peers are more likely to take the piss out of trans type stuff in pshe

I wouldn't make too much about it at 6 though! Not a lot is fixed at that point for children.

Do people really say "tomboy" anymore?! She's 6 just let her like what she likes and wear what she prefers. Girls can like and do anything like that (likewise for boys). It's a massive leap from that to changing gender!

I'd be more concerned that when you've told your 6 year old not to use the term sissy (which is offensive), she does it even more. If she wants to be accepted for not conforming to stereotypes, she needs to learn that she can't call others derogatory names for their own choosing their own likes and dislikes (well, she needs to learn that anyway!).

My DD always goes to the 'boys' clothes section, hates dresses, plays football, hates pink...she also loves ballet, having long hair and wearing nail polish. She doesn't think either gender is better than the other. Why do you think your DD has such a strong view on girls who like stereotypical girls things? As if she sees them as lesser?

Plus she's only 6. She can't walk into a doctors office and demand hormone treatment so I wouldn't worry too much.

I always hear people saying about the school curriculum pushing this narrative but I'm yet to see any evidence of this, other than teaching children they need to be accepting of others life choices and not bully them for it.

I hope they are not encouraged to take the piss out of trans. You say that like it's a good thing.

My eldest is a "tomboy". Very feminine name and gorgeous blonde curly hair, that she wanted cut short. We just went with it. She wore whatever she was happiest in. Always friends with the boys in primary school, played football and lots of other sports. It's just who she is. I could not be more proud of the young woman she has turned into, she's now 17.

She absolutely caught me off guard however, when she declared she wanted to wear a full dress to her prom! She literally looked like a model and it was lovely purely because I hadn't seen her in a dress since she was 4, but more importantly, she was happy and comfortable. Your daughter is who she is. Let her know she is a girl at home, so she knows who she is and can reply to other people's comments however she sees fit. Just love her for who she is and she will be fine.

My six-year-old got into an argument with another kid at school; the kid was using “sissy” as a nickname for her sister, and my daughter told her that wasn’t a nice word to say. 😂

Your daughter sounds like a human version of Rainbow Dash from My Little Pony. 🙂 (Only her complaint was against “frou-frou” stuff.) I’d let her do what she wants, find her media with “boyish” girls in it, and also emphasize that everybody likes different things and she shouldn’t be making fun of other girls for what they like, just like people shouldn’t make fun of her for what she likes.

See, this demonstrates to me that she’s picked up the idea that girls are inferior and generally a bit crap. Where has she got that idea from? It could be that there are some children at school passing on ridiculous stereotypes to her. If she’s spending more time with the boys, then it’s very possible she’s learning or reinforcing these sexist ideas from them. Boys of that age not uncommonly call girls ‘sissies’, fuss about sitting by them, and make disparaging comments about them and feminine things.

That would be my concern at the moment rather than society. The fact she has an illogical dislike of ‘girls’ things’, eg the ‘girls’ shirt - just because it’s for girls - is worrying. As you say, the shirts are basically the same with buttons on the other side, so nothing to hate.

It almost sounds like you’re encouraging this a bit. Why have you shortened/changed her name to a more boyish name, why does she have such short hair? Now, there’s absolutely no reason why girls can’t have shaved heads or be called Bill or Harry or whatever, but when you have a young child who seems to be getting wrongly in thrall to stereotypes, it’s best to stop all that in case it’s inadvertently reinforcing her misconceptions

Call her by her full name, correct anyone who calls her a boy, let her hair grown a little bit, eg more pixie cut than skinhead. Again, not because girls can’t have very short hair but because your DD doesn’t sound mature enough to understand that yet.

I’d also spend a lot of time looking at girls who like Star Wars, dinosaurs, etc etc, and women doing ‘men’s jobs’. Praise strong women, praise girls who like dinosaurs, football, mud, etc, and make it clear that there’s no one way to be a girl. I’d also stop her sneering comments about the other girls. She might not like unicorns or pink, but there’s nothing wrong with other girls and boys liking them.

Importantly, you really need to be alert to messages she’s getting about girls being inferior.

I agree with this. I smell a rat.

I thought the horrible phrase 'Tomboy' went out with the ark.

I'd stop using that and I wouldn't be giving into any 'massive tantrums' over school uniform either.

Other than that, I'd let her crack on.

I think you're being far too 'Mumsnetty' about this and creating a 'problem' where there isn't one.

I think the best thing you can do is make it very clear that there is no one way to be a girl!

She can have her hair how she wants, play with what she wants, wear what she wants. Just make it clear that she is and always will be a girl.

Maybe try and find some good role models (probably difficult these days) - females with short hair/typically male jobs etc. If anyone refers to her as a boy, put them right.

Your entire post is full of stereotypes and gendering clothes and activities as being suitable for boys and girls. Just stop it!

It doesn't matter what she plays with or wears. She plays with things she enjoys and people who she gets on with.

When hormones hit, you will probably find she will distance herself from boys a little. Or maybe not.

Does it matter?