To let my DD be a tomboy in this society

[CowboyJoanna]

My youngest DD is 6 years old and she is a massive tomboy. And when I say a tomboy, I don't just mean she prefers cars to dolls, or prefers trousers to skirts. She hates anything and everything even remotely girly.
Her interests include star wars, cars, football. All her friends at school are boys and she even gets invited to 'boys only' birthday parties. Her teacher has told me in school reports that she is 'one of the boys'.
Everytime we go to clothes shops she runs straight over to the boys section, even insists on wearing the boys school uniforms and has thrown massive tantrums whenever I've even tried to pick out packs of 'girls school shirts' even though theyre her size and only difference is they button the other way.
She has her hair cut very short close to her scalp, and even though she has a feminine name we call her a similar-sounding nickname more associated with boys for short. If you were to look at her, you would have no reason to expect shes a girl. Shopkeepers have even called her 'mate' or 'good lad', and though DD doesnt bat an eyelid it does make me worry.

It happened again yesterday when I took DD to the dentist, and the receptionist said to her 'youre getting a big boy arent you?'. And it got me thinking given that schools will start teaching her about how you can change your gender, i worry that my DD will be vulnerable and start thinking that shes a boy. Especially with everyone already mistaking her for one. But at the same time, thats how she likes to dress, likes to play and how she likes her hair, and she likes her 'boyish' nickname i dont want to stop her from being herself. Shes a very happy, confident, strongwilled little girl.

But what do i do for her long term happiness?

Six year olds aren't women they're children and haven't developed. Of course a 6 year old can go topless.

At SIX years of age? Yes of course I bloody would!

I don't think I ever wore a top on the beach under the age of about 9 or maybe 8.

While I would share these concerns I honestly think it's very school dependent.

OP if there's no reason to believe the school are pushing this, I would hold tight. Just keep a close eye.

Yes, with no top on.

In a public pool?? I’m not sure I believe you. For one thing I can’t imagine many 8 year old girls who wouldn’t be mortified at the thought.

some girls are wearing bras at that age!

Nobody is transing her!

Let her be and establish herself, if you encourage her to be anything else she will feel shame and be uncomfortable with who she is when shes older

And it got me thinking given that schools will start teaching her about how you can change your gender,

They won't. I don't know why you would think this.

you didnt have teachers telling you you can change your sex as and when you feel like it

They still don't. I don't know where you are getting this bollocks, unless it is from the Daily Mail.

You are hand wringing about having such a "boyish" daughter and worrying about her wanting to change sex when she is older but at the same time seem to be pushing her into this bracket.

The things you describe - the extremism of it all - need to be dealt with / discussed / nipped in the bud. Why is a a 6yo allowed to change their name? Would you have let her change it to another girls name?

I am not talking about making her 'behave' like a girl, I am talking about being a bit firmer in your boundaries with her.

In a pool, on the beach, she's a child, it's her preference, she has no need for a bra yet, she's 8. Why would she be mortified any more than an 8yo boy would?

some girls are wearing bras at that age!

What's you're point though?

If the PP's 8 year old was developing, I'm sure she wouldn't take her swimming without a top?

oh here we go again.. another 'woke' mother desperately wanting their child to have a label at 6!

why can your DD just not be and do what ever it is they like to do? why can you not accept that your DD is currently a girl who likes to do things differently instead of now pushing this brain washing onto them that because they are 6 and they like boys toys that obviously want to be a boy?

what happens next week when DD decided they want to go to ballet classes and refuses to wear anything but pink?

I genuinely do not think that at 6 your DD has decided that they want to be a Boy, thats on you.. ask yourself why people think she's a boy? if she has short hair, who let her have short hair? if she wears trousers all the time, ask yourself who provided the trousers.

let your 6 year DD be whoever she wants to be.. a 6 year old!

People are calling me a 'rat' or 'fictional' but I'm starting to think some people in this thread might be fictional. I have NEVER seen a girl in swimming trunks and in the real world I have never seen a mum even consider letting her daughter walk around topless.

But Im a real person with real concerns about my daughter. And I don't appreciate people trying to 'one up' me about how Im sexist or Im this or that. I have no problems with her having interests associated more with boys. I have no problems with her having short hair or calling her Ben. It's worry about everyone else taking this and trying to force the wrong ideas onto her.

And actually I would like to thank the genuinely helpful mumsnetters who've actually pointed out that there might be a bit of internalised misogyny going on with my DD. Her friends are all very rowdy sorts of boys so im wondering if shes being egged on to be more macho to fit in. Either way im going to try and nip THAT in the bud

If you actually read my posts more clearly OP you will see that being pushed a label on her is exactly what I dont want.

You're the one pushing the sexist labels though.

🙄

if you don't want her labelled then dress her like a girl, encourage girly clothes let her be a girl! let her decided if and when its time for her to be whatever she wants to be

I would leave this thread op people are obviously trolling. A girl of 8 or 6 without her top on in a public swimming pool in U.K. would be asked to leave due to unsuitable clothing and reported as a safeguarding concern.

Support her. Ignore the hysterical transphobes.
Yrs, a cis ex tomboy

Not understanding the troll hunting tbh, and I think OPs concern is pretty justified (although it’s obviously fine for the DD to like ‘boy’ things)

Is she? Or is she just acknowledging that wider society will see it that way?

Why is it " justified". Tomboys have existed forever and will exist forever, and anyone who has a problem with them can do one.
/end.

OP I’d also be concerned, posters who say schools don’t encourage this (kids thinking they might really be a boy/girl and not their actual sex) haven’t seen current PHSE material.

I would buy a copy of Rachel Rooney’s “My body is me” and keep an eye on the schools’s PHSE material so you can counter any regressive stereotypes/born in the wrong body narratives being taught.