To let my DD be a tomboy in this society

[CowboyJoanna]

My youngest DD is 6 years old and she is a massive tomboy. And when I say a tomboy, I don't just mean she prefers cars to dolls, or prefers trousers to skirts. She hates anything and everything even remotely girly.
Her interests include star wars, cars, football. All her friends at school are boys and she even gets invited to 'boys only' birthday parties. Her teacher has told me in school reports that she is 'one of the boys'.
Everytime we go to clothes shops she runs straight over to the boys section, even insists on wearing the boys school uniforms and has thrown massive tantrums whenever I've even tried to pick out packs of 'girls school shirts' even though theyre her size and only difference is they button the other way.
She has her hair cut very short close to her scalp, and even though she has a feminine name we call her a similar-sounding nickname more associated with boys for short. If you were to look at her, you would have no reason to expect shes a girl. Shopkeepers have even called her 'mate' or 'good lad', and though DD doesnt bat an eyelid it does make me worry.

It happened again yesterday when I took DD to the dentist, and the receptionist said to her 'youre getting a big boy arent you?'. And it got me thinking given that schools will start teaching her about how you can change your gender, i worry that my DD will be vulnerable and start thinking that shes a boy. Especially with everyone already mistaking her for one. But at the same time, thats how she likes to dress, likes to play and how she likes her hair, and she likes her 'boyish' nickname i dont want to stop her from being herself. Shes a very happy, confident, strongwilled little girl.

But what do i do for her long term happiness?

And if you get wind of any teachers telling her she can magically turn into a boy, come down on them like a ton of bricks.

Ffs. Why is this even a question? Let her enjoy what she likes. Don’t force her to dress in a way she doesn’t want to or force her to play with toys she isn’t interested in. “Boys things” and “girls things” isn’t real, it’s socially constructed. And don’t call her a tomboy. Call her by her name. She will feel “othered” or as if she is “wrong” for liking what she likes. (Can you tell I was given the irritating title of tomboy as a child?).

@BreatheAndFocus We do call her by her full name when she's in trouble.

But the reason we call her Ben is because its short for Bella. We used the nickname "Bella-Ben" for her when she was younger (sounds like Bill and Ben flowerpot men) so Ben stuck (she HATES Belle).

Having her hair cut short was not my idea but DH's. Cant say i was thrilled by it because she has beautiful blonde curls, but he took her to the barbers with DS to get her hair cut and he actually did it for her. DD likes having her hair short because she hated having her hair brushed when it was longer, and its a lot easier/more convenient for her when shes playing.

We DO draw the line at not letting her take her shirt off in the summer when its hot (but she wants to, like DS and DH do).

She's six! Why shouldn't she take her shirt off?

@CowboyJoanna You've just blown your cover now. Hope you had fun with it.

Do people really let their 6 year olds have that much say in things?

My kids never had much say in their clothes / hair cuts / uniform at that age. They had what was practical and affordable. And they certainly didn't get to change their name. Sorry but that is just nonsense.

How does a 6yo even know a school shirt is for girls? Why was this not shut down as it is so unimportant?

I wonder if by trying to be so careful about gender stereotypes you've gone too far the other way and let a child have too much freedom and choice. Young children need parameters and boundaries. They need us to guide them and tell them what is what.

I am not sure how you managed to get to the point that your 6yo child appears so boy like and uses a male name? You are either encouraging this or you parenting is just a bit too "free range".

Why can't your 6yo child take her top off like her dad and brother do?

All you can really do is love her as she is, reinforce that girls can be any kind of girl they want to and don't gender her interests except to again reinforce that they aren't 'boy' interests. I appreciate it's really f*cking hard at times when society is doing all the gendering.

I was like your daughter. I remember the word “sissy” was in the beano back then but I presume it’s not used in that anymore. Do kids even still read the beano?

something I would impress upon her is that whilst she might feel pride being mistaken for a boy and being “one of the lads” is she won’t lose her cool card just because she wears a girly tshirt or wants to join in with the girls one time. You need to make sure that rejecting her sex doesn’t become her identity. I remember feeling really special and unique for having this reputation for being ultra ungirly never wearing dresses and one of the boys as a kid. It was actually a bit suffocating because it meant i was super uncomfortable and felt everyone was watching/judging if I ever did anything that didn’t fit that.

Do kids even still read the beano?

Mine love it 😆

Stop listening to reactionary idiots on Twitter, educate yourself on trans issues/people and relax. No one is going to force your daughter to be trans 😂

Yeah this, with bells on!!

Because it's not decent for a girl/woman to be showing her bare chest. Why else do you think little girls don't wear swimming trunks??

I don't particularly like it when men do it, but with women its not the done thing

I would find some books about women who break stereotypes and affirm that there are lots of non girly women. Take her to see some women's football. Normalise non girly girls and reassure her there are lots like her

I think I've found your problem......

Well this is confusing. One minute I'm being told it's sexist to call her a tomboy and say 'boy things and girl things'. And then now I'm told it isn't right for DD to have short hair and a 'boyish' nickname.

Oh and I also had what I perceived as a cringy girly name (quite similar to Bella actually!) and used a gender neutral nickname. Mines stuck with me to adulthood but if you wanted to get away a boys name I’d start calling her Bee. It’s gender neutral enough she shouldn’t get annoyed but people wil presume a child called Bee will be a girl like Beatrix so it will stop people getting confused and that reinforcement loop.

Lastly, I’d make sure she starts seeing some really cool inspiring women. Scientists, astronaughts athletes etc.

Please tell me you don't see your SIX year old child as a sexual being???

I think you need to really cut the 'i don't like girls' thing down and quick. Take her to women's football or rugby and other places she can meet other women who don't conform to feminine stereotypes. If you want her to resist pressure to be 'trans' you need to build up her confidence in herself as a girl who likes what she likes.

My daughter loves all sports and lives in football kits. She has a wide range of friends - both girls and boys. I have never thought about her as a "tomboy" and actually regard this as a really dated view. She wouldn't wear a dress or a skirt, but I don't think of trousers or shorts as boys clothes. Just clothes. She doesn't wear a boys uniform - just shorts or trousers rather than a skirt or dress.

Its nothing to do with sexual but everything to do with social norms.
If you had a daughter would you take her swimming in just a pair of swimming trunks??

There may not have been such a thing as transgender ideology but there were definitely transsexuals when I was a child in the 60s/70s. April Ashley had gender reassignment surgery in 1960 and Jan Morris in 1972. Also a family friend transitioned in the early 80s. There was not such a thing as transgender ideology.

I have yet to read the whole thread, but

In this climate, I would be so very scared about school transing her, I would actually homeschool her. I am very serious. And I never in a million years thought I would ever be an advocate for home schooling. But given how intense her tomboy character is, she is in grave danger, real serious danger of the school putting it into her head that she is trans. Please, please consider home schooling her. Please. I really for terrified for her.

I take my dd swimming in swim shorts all the time and she's 8.

What's wrong with that?

With no top on?