Dil trying to ruin my relationship with my dd

[worldlyweather]

When my son met his now wife he was still living at home as was my dd.
Dil used to spend a lot of time at our house with ds but admittedly my dd didn't take to her straight away and while my dd didn't realise she was here dd came in mocking her and she overheard.
Ds and dil then moved to their own house and have since married and had a child, I didn't go to the wedding as dd was excluded.

Dil wants nothing to do with my dd and ds has backed her decision, this means our dd has never even met her nephew and misses her brother and is utterly heartbroken by all this.
I haven't met him either as I have been instructed not to come with my dd but have decided not to exclude her knowing this is so hurtful and have explained my reasons to ds and dil.
I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister but he's not interested and is refusing to see me at my home because she might be there and I will not turn her away because they don't want to be friendly.
Ds says I should be on their side as dd did wrong and I shouldn't protect her but I feel this is an overreaction and needs to be addressed, while I agree that she was perhaps unkind she didn't deserve to be cut off.

The family have been invited to visit but again this is to be with the exclusion of my dd who is devastated and so far we've stayed away until she's included, unfortunately this doesn't look like it's ever going to happen and I miss my son and I'm missing out on my first grandchild.
They have never made any ultimatum but it feels like there's an invisible ultimatum that if I want a part in their life it's to be at the exclusion of dd or I lose the relationship with them altogether.
I feel in an impossible position as in my mind I'm standing by my dd over dil but my son sees it that I'm standing by my dd over him and that I'm choosing not to see them by choosing her.

Ffs OP you aren't coming up smelling of roses on this one, cutting off ds and dil for something dd did, which she should have been pulled up on at the time.
This needs addressing and apologies made. Stop making excuses for things.
Also answering pp questions might help to give more helpful advice.
I guess the pile on of dd's behaviour isn't helping, but what do you expect people to say?

I’m shocked they still speak to you at all. You’ve refused to go to their wedding or meet their children because your daughter was mean to your daughter in law.

You’ve picked a side rather than staying neutral. The only person ruining your relationship with your son is you.

I think you need to make more effort to see this from your DiL side. How would you have written this if you were the DiL? It would go along the lines of 'my sister in law was horrible to me and my mother in law is trying to force me to spend time with her, by refusing contant with my child unless I make up with her'...which is really manipulative. Even your title 'my daughter in law is trying to ruin my relationship with my daughter'. No she isn't, she is just trying to avoid spending time with someone who 'didn't take to her' and openly mocked her. Would you want someone to spend time with your child who had been nasty to you for no reason?

Did she apologise?
You need to separate the two situations and see your grandchild.
You don't need to go with your dd.
Lots of siblings stop speaking but as the parents you should try and stay impartial.
It's sad you don't know your grandchild

And haven't met your grandchild!!!

Your DD will have to live with it.

You'll have more chance getting your DIL to change her mind if you become and active grandparent.
Your stance is ridiculous

Did your dd apologise, try to make amends? Are they very young? It seems an odd stance for you to have taken and are punishing yourself as a result.

How is DIL not wanting to see your daughter 'trying to ruin' your relationship with your DD? She simply doesn't want to see her. Having not gone to their wedding or seen your grandchild, its surprising that they are still even trying with you, honestly.

It sounds like a minor fall out between the siblings has been hugely escalated by you. Your daughter was nasty about her brother's girlfriend and somehow you've let it turn into a situation where you've boycotted your son's wedding and refused to meet his child. It sounds like he's better off without the pair of you to be honest, it should never have got this far.

I mean this kindly - as I know I’d be really upset if my kids weren’t on speaking terms - but the person taking sides here is you. Why can’t you have an independent relationship with your son and his wife - and a separate one with your DD? That’s the most likely way to heal the rift as, over time, you can try to explain how sorry she is/how you would like everyone to get along. But refusing to go to their wedding or meet their child because they won’t include your daughter, who is an adult and therefore a separate person from you, is a pretty stark declaration of preference.

You 'agree that she was perhaps unkind'?

Fuck me, that's big of you 🙄

You chose your side, so you'll have to live with it.

And your thread title is incorrect. No-one is trying to ruin your relationship with your precious daughter.

I wouldn't want any contact with you or dd if I was the dil and yes, I'd expect dh to back me on it, until the matter was properly addressed and hopefully resolved.
But I personally don't hold grudges with anyone, I just cut them out of my life like dead wood and life is better for it. No drama, no fuss.

Your DIL isn't trying to ruin your relationship with your DD. She set a boundary after she heard your DD mocking her (I suspect that was the straw that broke the camels back and not the first incident.)

Her husband, your DS has rightly backed his wife because his sisters behaviour was awful.

You are however ruining your relationship with your son and your grandchild. You refused to go to their wedding because your DD wasn't invited (thus you picked DD over DS) and you haven't met your grandchild because your DD wasn't invited (again picking your DD over your DS). Your DIL didn't exclude you from any of those events, she didn't make you choose not to go, either you decided you weren't going because DD wasn't invited and DS wouldnt change his mind when you and DD had a strop, or your DD asked you choose between her and going. Either way it was your decision, nothing to do with DS or DIL.

Frankly I'm amazed that your DS is still trying to have any sort of relationship with you, the wedding alone would have been cause for me to shut the door completely.

These are the consequences of both your and DDs own actions and your DS is a bloody saint for giving you chance after chance to show up for him. Stop blaming your DIL for you and your DD poor behaviour and choices.

Has your DD made any attempt to apologise?

From your DS' POV you've clearly picked your daughter over him and are now finding out there are consequences.

And it's not you DIL trying to ruin your relationship with your DD. It sounds like DS & DIL want DD to be accountable for her actions. Your DD ruined her relationship with them.

Gosh, a lot of this is about how you think they should act and what you think should happen. It’s not actually up to you, you don’t have the trump card and you don’t get to tell them how to feel.
Your dd has acted unkindly, why are you backing her so strongly. You need to be like Switzerland, neutral, otherwise you risk ruining several important relationships.
It’s also up to your dd to apologise unreservedly and try and put things right. With you backing her to the hilt she’s not going to understand quite how much damage she has done.

Why didn’t you make your dad apologise for being so rude and unkind to her future sister in law?

if your dil received no apology and you won’t recognise that she was on the wrong, it’s no wonder she wasn’t wanted at the wedding. You did an awful thing refusing to go to your sons wedding because of your DD and even worse not to go and meet your new grandchild.

Your DIL is not the one in the wrong here.

I don't think any of us can say without knowing

A) what your DD said about DIL
B) whether your DD has sincerely apologised to DIL.

This is between DD, DS and DIL. Nothing to do with you at all. You have become involved by taking sides. My own mother would tell us all to grow up and not get involved. Your children are adults and you can have completely separate relationships with them.

Choosing not to see your grandchild is insane. I'd love to hear the DILs perspective of all this.

So the only stipulation about having a relationship with them or seeing your grandchild is that you don't bring DD with you when you visit, same for the wedding too? You're invited but she isn't? So what's the problem?

Most siblings don't see each other at the same time as their parents (unless at a family gathering), why don't you just go and see them on your own?

You are a separate entity from your DD, it is up to her to mend their relationship, you are purposely shunning them because you think they are wrong, when in fact it is your daughter who is in the wrong and always has been, has she ever apologised?

This. Also was mocking her behind her back common place in your home given DD arrived home doing it?

You would have had more chance of encouraging them to repair their relationship if you hadn't made a clear choice between your son and dd. Have you actually spoken to him in person about it all and dil? Has DD apologised? how old was DD when she did this and how old is she now. If she is 10 I would get it but I suspect it's more like 20...

You’ve all made a mountain out of a molehill. Who was first to BU really depends on how old your DD was when she did the mocking and how bad it was.

Let's rewrite this:
"
When I first met my future MIL & SIL, SIL was unfriendly and I overheard her saying unkind things about me.

I went "no contact" with her and DH supported me but unfortunately MIL took SIL's side, even refusing to come to our wedding or meet our child because we didn't want SIL there.

Now MIL is acting the victim. AIBU to stand firm on keeping no contact?
"

You've never met your grandchild because your son fell out with his sister (because of something she did?).

You've made it abundantly clear that your dd is your priority and owe your son and DIL a huge apology.

You should have insisted your daughter apologise immediately. Instead you backed her up against your son. You sound pretty toxic tbh and I don’t say that lightly.

Your title is very different to your Op. You might want to think where in your brain the title came from and why.
The best way to help your daughter repair her relationships is by you repairing your’s.