Dil trying to ruin my relationship with my dd

[worldlyweather]

When my son met his now wife he was still living at home as was my dd.
Dil used to spend a lot of time at our house with ds but admittedly my dd didn't take to her straight away and while my dd didn't realise she was here dd came in mocking her and she overheard.
Ds and dil then moved to their own house and have since married and had a child, I didn't go to the wedding as dd was excluded.

Dil wants nothing to do with my dd and ds has backed her decision, this means our dd has never even met her nephew and misses her brother and is utterly heartbroken by all this.
I haven't met him either as I have been instructed not to come with my dd but have decided not to exclude her knowing this is so hurtful and have explained my reasons to ds and dil.
I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister but he's not interested and is refusing to see me at my home because she might be there and I will not turn her away because they don't want to be friendly.
Ds says I should be on their side as dd did wrong and I shouldn't protect her but I feel this is an overreaction and needs to be addressed, while I agree that she was perhaps unkind she didn't deserve to be cut off.

The family have been invited to visit but again this is to be with the exclusion of my dd who is devastated and so far we've stayed away until she's included, unfortunately this doesn't look like it's ever going to happen and I miss my son and I'm missing out on my first grandchild.
They have never made any ultimatum but it feels like there's an invisible ultimatum that if I want a part in their life it's to be at the exclusion of dd or I lose the relationship with them altogether.
I feel in an impossible position as in my mind I'm standing by my dd over dil but my son sees it that I'm standing by my dd over him and that I'm choosing not to see them by choosing her.

Your DD was actively mocking her and has never apologised for it. It was also only four years ago and your DD wasn’t a young teenager at the time but actually a fully grown adult in her mid 20s. If your DD wants any sort of relationship with her brother and nephew, she needs to make amends with her SIL.

The fact you missed out on your DS’s wedding and haven’t met your GC because of your DC’s fall out is ludicrous and you’re being a martyr. Encourage your DD to do the right thing and see your grandchild.

I agree with this ^^

@worldlyweather This has escalated because neither of you had the sense or social awareness to apologise. Could you not even have said "I'm sorry my daughter was taking the mickey" or something similar?

You and your daughter need to make amends and apologise.

Sometimes it is better to back down, and this is a case where you should.

Okay, so:
-your DD was very unkind to your DIL
-you didn’t pull your DD up on this, were you laughing, egging her on or admonishing her? You certainly don’t seem to see a problem with it.
-neither your DD or yourself has apologised for this atrocious behaviour and believe that your DS should make his wife ‘suck it up’
-your DIL has healthy boundaries and has enforced them.
-your DS is to be congratulated for supporting his wife over the bad behaviour and lack of apology from from your DD (who could have apologised at the time, or anytime since but seemingly just doesn’t want to)
-you have taken your DD side and have supported her bad behaviour. This means you miss out on a relationship with your son’s family as he is (rightfully) supportive of her wife and her healthy boundaries.

What do you want from Mumsnet?

This doesn't sound like a reverse but ffs OP do you really think you and your daughter are being reasonable? Your daughter hasn't even apologised! She was 24 at the time - a fully-grown adult - and she was caught out being bitchy. If that happened at work she'd be told to apologise - would she do it then?

Wow your daughter is the horrid one here and you've missed your sons wedding because she wasn't invited (quite rightly). No wonder your son is not interested in fixing this relationship you've made it clear you'd rather lose them all rather than accept your daughter was rude and unkind.

You should be proud of your son. Good for him standing by his wife instead of pandering to his rude golden child sister and ridiculous mother.

Team son and DIL 🙌

I always see 'reverse' on posts but never known what it means, what does it mean ??

Tell me, did she regularly mock her SIL and were you part of it? Seems like there was a little game between the two of you- you were just lucky not to get caught in the act!

You have brought this on yourself and you are a complete idiot for trying to make it sound like your poor, pitiful, daughter is the one who is worse off. She was bloody 24 - Old enough to know better!

Leave your son and dil in peace ffs. Take the golden child to therapy if she's so upset by the consequences of her own actions .. probably the first time she's ever had to face them!

Holy shit! I thought your DD was like 12 at the time. She was a grown woman!!!

DD needs to apologise for her behaviour whether it was said with an audience intended or not. The fact is that your DiL heard your DD be rude about her. Proper order for DiL to establish decent boundaries where such behaviour is not condoned.

You could have gone to your son's wedding but you decided not to go.

For it to have gone on for 4 years!!! FOUR YEARS!!!

You haven't apologised either for not telling your adult daughter to apologise to her sister in law and her brother.

Shame on both of you for this behaviour!

It's lovely to see a thread where the husband is backing his wife up. Well done to your son!

Your daughter mocked your DIL and hasnt even apologised?
She sounds quite nasty.

And you refusing to see your grandchild until you have manipulated and forced your son and DIL into backing down is bizarre.

I honestly can't believe that you wouldn't leave your adult children to decide their own relationships.

You are cutting off your son and Grandchild in favour of your DD who was wrong in the first place.

You haven't met your grandchild???
Grow up.

I'm in shock.
I would think very poorly of you if I were your son.

What do you mean she's not had a chance to apologise?

She could've done it in person, could've sent a text, could've sent a letter for goodness sake. She's in the wrong and never apologised.

I initially thought DIL was OTT until reading your update.

Nope. Whether or not she intended it for SiL’s ears she still heard it and was clearly hurt by it - mimicking is cruel. I assumed DD to be much younger when this happened, but at 24 she’s well an adult and should have known how hurtful it would be if SiL overheard. I think you need to stop supporting your DD in this and encourage an apology, maybe as a starting point to being willing to build bridges. SiL has every right to go NC with DD until such time as she’s willing to accept a genuine apology and go from there. You need to realise that your two children are different people and stop favouring one at the expense of the other.

I thought DD was going to be 13 or something.

I suggest that DD writes to them to say that, with the maturity that (I hope) she's gained in the last four years, she recognises what a hurtful thing she said, and very much regrets the way it's split the family. That she recognises that this apology comes way too late, but that she is genuinely sorry for what she did.

Your son is loyal to his wife, and his wife understandably does not want to see your daughter.

If you want a relationship with them you are going to have to proceed on this basis.

As the saying goes you've made your own grave and now you have to lie in it.
Your daughter was in the wrong, hasn't apologised or taken any accountability and you have let her get away with it.
Your son was completely within his rights to chose not to have her at his wedding or interact with his family.
You chose to take a stand and side with your daughter (imo incorrectly) but it was a choice you made and so you have to deal with the consequences. You must have known how extreme it was to not go to your son's own wedding? He's been very generous to invite you and offer an olive branch to meet your grandchild and yet again you've chosen your daughter over him.
Perhaps you need to reflect on why your daughter is being treated as the golden child and why you treat your son in this way.

Team DIL.

OP, you need a serious mindset shift if you are to resolve this. Start with discarding the idea that you and your DD are in the right.

She needs to apologise. Doesn’t matter if she intended her SIL to hear or not. SIL knows that she is disliked. Why on earth should she go out of her way to forgive and make a relationship? Your daughter could have found any number of ways to apologise and mend fences, but she hasn’t. And for you to defend her at the price of not going to your own son’s wedding and not seeing your grandson is extraordinary.

Wow, so your title fully blames your DiL for ruining the relationship rather than your rude daughter? Tell your daughter to stop acting like a bully and apologise.

Tying yourself in knots to justify why D (golden) D shouldn't have to apologise, when there are lots of things she could have done to try to put things right, had she wanted to.

Your support for unrepentantly bad, unkind behaviour has got you where you are.

Your DS and DIL must actually be saints, if my mum chose to not attend my wedding because of this reasoning that would be the end of the invites she would receive from me. This must be fake.

No matter how many people tell you you're wrong you will convince yourself you and DD are in the right. If one of my sons behaved like your DD I would be mortified. And to miss my son's wedding cus one of my sons wasn't invited? Not a chance. To not meet my first grandchild ?! There's nothing and no one that would prevent me from meeting them unless the parents themselves stopped me.
At 24, she should know being a bully is ugly.

In this case it would mean the DIL or son is writing this post pretending to be the MIL in order to get opinions.

This is typically said when it is outrageously clear who is in the wrong and everyone is telling the OP they are crazy.

I imagine it is validating for the person doing the reverse and is sometimes used to show the actual person (in this case MIL) how wrong they are based on the comments.

What does your husband think about this, OP?

You say that the mocking by your DD was to her parents. So where is her dad in all this?

I'm surprised DS and DIL want anything to do with you, as well as your DD. DD was 24 fgs. And you let her carry on with her mocking which could well suggest to DIL that you agreed with her. Even more so when you actually didn't go to the wedding. You made it very clear whose side you were on.

It's completely and utterly irrelevant that DIL wasn't supposed to hear. DD shouldn't have been doing it in the first place. But she did hear. She knows what you and DD think about her.

If I were DS and DIL I'd be going no contact and never giving either of you another thought.

Wow OP, she hasn't even apologised?? That's mad. She did something hurtful and the first thing she should have done was apologise.

Also, are you saying you haven't seen your son and his family for 4 years just because they won't let you bring your adult daughter as well? Surely you could till have had a relationship with them in this time, she doesn't need to be present for everything?

If anything, wouldn't it be better for you to see them normally and be able to talk about DD to them to try and help things?

Seems like you've 100% taken her side when she was completely in the wrong and hasn't even apologised.